Case McCoy, I love you. Case McCoy, I need you.
These are the sweetest words I’ve ever heard.
Case McCoy, don’t leave me. Case McCoy, believe me.
My whole world’s wrapped up in you.

Regardless of the stages or severity of this terrible affliction, we here at HSJ Central would like to present to you:

The top 5 worst humans born without a proper top lip

5. Mitt Romney – Possible President

Considered the presidential front runner for the Republican Party in 2012 by most political pundits, Romney has a top lip that curls like a deflated balloonknot. By general consensus, his lack of a top lip is considered the biggest reason why he has flipflopped on most of his campaign platform issues and also why, despite otherwise considered the strongest presidential candidate on paper, that even hardcore southern Republicans would rather vote for “that black pizza guy who likes to hit on chicks all the time”.

4. Jeff Daniels – Rumored Actor

The infamous serious actor-turned-movie-clown-turned-back-into-serious-actor-and-rumored-to-be-back-to-being-a-clown has a really serious case of a lack of a top lip. However, Daniels is one of the rare cases where the evil turns to benevolence. In addition to have a lack of a top lip, he also has a really weird gummy smile which is totally creepy.

3. Phil Dawson – Sip kicker

One of the worst offenders of all time of a lack of a top lip, Dawson has a stellar career in one of the worst positions in all of football for one of the worst football cities in America. Dawson spent his collegiate career in Austin, no doubtedly putting his lack of a top lip to good use. His lack of a top lip is compounded by the fact he has a five-head and looks like someone burned off his eyebrows with a lighter. Possible candidate for the next Fire Marshall Bill.

2. Imperial Admiral Conan Antonio Motti – Star Wars choked-out bitch

You have to assume that anyone in the Star Wars army is a bad dude with some severe issues, but this dude is one of the worst. Look at his Leisure Suit Larry hair and his Beavis nostrils. Then you get to his lack of a top lip. Yuck. You’ll remember from your childhood or your pathetic adulthood that this is the cat who was talking shit to Darth Vader and got his ass choked with an invisible Forcefist. I find his lack of a top lip disturbing.

1. Bob Stoops – “Coach”

The worst offender of all time of this terrible condition is the evil Bob Stoops. In addition to not having a top lip or a soul, he also has no conscience. While not a total lush like his brother, the members of the Stoops family are really quite adept at football college. However, he’s even better at cheating in college football and getting it swept under the rug somehow than he is anything else in life other than his amazing ability to not have a top lip. His lack of a top lip totally pisses me off.

East Division

University of Florida Gators
Enrollment: 51,474
Stadium: Ben Hill Griffin Stadium (The Swamp) – 88,548
Famous Alumni: Bob Vila, Jesse Palmer, Wendy Thomas
What you need to know: The University of Florida is the largest school in the SEC, barely edging out Texas A&M for that honor. When Florida lost coach Ron Zook, the program seemed to be in a state of flux, but Urban Meyer took over and restored glory. He quit several times and finally quit for good last year. Florida brought in noted asshole and all around bad guy Will Muschamp at that point. Expect Muschamp to be fired within three years.

University of Georgia Bulldogs
Enrollment: 35,520
Stadium: Sanford Stadium – 92,746
Famous Alumni: Kim Basinger, Wayne Knight, Pandora Peaks
What you need to know: The Bulldogs are perpetual underachievers that rarely live up to preseason expectations. Mark Richt is their coach right now, but he won’t make it through the season. When you talk to any Georgia alum, be prepared to hear stories of Herschel Walker and Buck Beleu. Athens is known as a neat college town.

University of Kentucky Wildcats
Enrollment: 26,024
Stadium: Commonwealth Stadium – 67,606
Famous Alumni: James Michael Guiler, Ashley Judd, Pat Riley
What you need to know: Kentucky will be the biggest challenge for Texas A&M’ and the Aggies goal to dominate the conference in basketball. When Texas A&M forced Billy Clyde out the door, he wound up at Kentucky where he was arrested at 3:00AM for drunk driving after a round of golf. Kentucky is usually an afterthought in football.

University of South Carolina Gamecocks
Enrollment: 28,481
Stadium: Williams-Brice Stadium – 80,250
Famous Alumni: Hootie and the Blowfish, Robert McNair, Amanda Baker
What you need to know: South Carolina hires great coaches after they were great. Lou Holtz drooled his way through South Carolina, and now Steve Spurrier is the boss. Unconfirmed rumors point to the USC leaders already contacting Joe Paterno to take over when Spurrier retires in 2015. The South Carolina mascot, the Gamecock, is a type of chicken.

University of Tennessee Volunteers
Enrollment: 27,101
Stadium: Neyland Stadium – 102,455
Famous Alumni – Al Gore, Dixie Carter, Pam Tillis
What you need to know: Lane Kiffin is no longer coaching at Tennessee. The Volunteers are said to have no natural recruiting area. In the past, Tennessee was in a stadium race with Michigan to have the largest stadium. Pat Summit, the Tennessee women’s basketball coach, is suffering from early signs of dementia. Tennessee has an orange and white checkerboard painted in the endzones of Neyland Stadium.

Vanderbilt University Commodores
Enrollment: 12,093
Stadium: Vanderbilt Stadium – 41,448
Famous Alumni – James Patterson, Joe Bob Briggs, Amy Grant
What you need to know: Vanderbilt is a private school and really doesn’t fit in this conference. Unlike Baylor, Vanderbilt is a great academic school, so they do add that to the conference. Vanderbilt is in the middle of Tennessee.

Auburn University Tigers
Enrollment: 25,078
Stadium: Jordan-Hare Stadium – 87,451
Famous Alumni – Jimmy Buffet, Charles Barkley, Taylor Hicks
What you need to know: Auburn is the defending national champion in football. but there are some weird circumstances concerning the recruitment of quarterback Cam Newton. The Tigers have a mascot that is an eagle. Like a lot of SEC schools, Auburn’s stadium has bushes on the field. Auburn is moving to the east from the west when Texas A&M and Missouri join the conference for the 2012 football season.

West Division

University of Alabama Crimson Tide
Enrollment: 31,747
Stadium: Bryant-Denny – 101,821
Famous Alumni – Gay Talese, Jim Nabors, Debra Marshall
What you need to know: Most of Alabama’s success can be attributed to Texas A&M. We gave them Bear Bryant and Gen Stallings while taking Fran off their hands. The state of Alabama has less people than the DFW Metroplex. Irving would be the largest city in Alabama. Alabama hasn’t had a good quarterback since Ken Stabler.

University of Arkansas Razorbacks
Enrollment: 23,153
Stadium: Razorback Stadium – 76,000
Famous Alumni: Pat Sumerall, Barry Switzer, Laurence Luckinbill
What you need to know: You are probably familiar with Arkansas. Arkansas fields steady above average teams. For example, they had a winning record against Texas A&M in the SWC, but Texas A&M won way more SWC titles than Arkansas. Arkansas fired Lou Holtz. Arkansas fans wear pig heads and make pig noises. A razorback is a type of swine.

Louisiana State University Tigers
Enrollment: 28,810
Stadium: Tiger Stadium – 92,542
Famous Alumni: Rebecca Wells, Rex Reed, Better than Ezra
What you need to know: Like Arkansas, you are probably familiar with LSU as well. LSU tries to schedule all night games in Baton Rouge. LSU is known for tailgating despite the high percentage of t-shirt fans. Nick Saban once coached at LSU, and LSU fans still like him. LSU has no natural rival in the SEC, so A&M might slide into that role.

University of Mississippi Rebels
Enrollment: 15,800
Stadium: Vaught-Hemingway Stadium – 60,850
Famous Alumni: The worst of the Manning brothers, John Grisham, Michael Oher
What you need to know: Although Mississippi fans aren’t allowed to wave the rebel flag at games, the rebel flag is still a big player on campus. Tailgating in Mississippi is supposed to wonderful in an area called The Grove. Mississippi dropped a game to lowly BYU earlier this season.

Mississippi State University Bulldogs
Enrollment: 19,644
Stadium: Davis Wade Stadium – 55,082
Famous Alumni: Fred Smoot, John Grisham, Paul Ruffin
What you need to know: Jackie Sherrill brought the Bulldog program some respect after leaving his job selling cars in Beaumont. Mississippi State is a larger school than Mississippi. Mississippi State has the smallest stadium in the SEC, not counting Vanderbilt’s Stadium. Mississippi State is not a member of the AAU.

University of Missouri Tigers
Enrollment: 33,318
Stadium: Faurot Field – 71,004
Famous Alumni: George C. Scott, Tennessee Williams, Sheryl Crow
What you need to know: This is the third school we are familiar with. People in Missouri tend to be pro football fans rather college football fans. Mizzou’s biggest football rival is Kansas. Like at Texas A&M, alumni and fans will probably become a lot more passionate about Mizzou sports when they officially announce they are leaving the Big 12 Conference.

Texas A&M University
Enrollment: 50,054
Stadium: Kyle Field – 82,600
Famous Alumni: Ilan Mitchell-Smith, Rip Torn, Lyle Lovett
What you need to know: Since this is an Aggie guide to the SEC, you probably know everything about Texas A&M already.

Sure, in school I knew a lot of cool kids, and I hung out with them some at school, but until you get your drivers license, you are kind of trapped with your neighbors. I saw those neighbor kids daily it seemed, and they just got crazier as time went by.

For instance, the family that lived in the closest house to me, the Starr Family, had a little kid that was about my age. I’m pretty sure he was pregay. He went to church all the time, but he didn’t really believe in God. He picked his nose all the time and ate the boogers right in front of everyone. He didn’t care that he looked like a complete idiot. His mom would tell everyone on the block that she was having a big party, but no one ever showed up. The Starr kid was always wanting to hang out with me. I’d tell him to get the fuck away from me because he was weird, he was a freak. Their house was a complete dump and hurt the property value of all the other houses on the block. His mom would come over and tell my mom I was mean to the Starr kid, so my mom would make me play with him. I usually ended up just beating the shit out of him, but he seemed to like it. Years later, my mom told me she hated dealing with his mom because she was crazy. It was easier for her to just make me play with that kid sometimes, even though she knew he would never amount to anything. His mom still called after we moved, trying to get me to come over and play with him. My mom finally told his mom to fuck off, there’s no way we’d ever see them again.

The Snyder family lived up the cul-de-sac. They were a strange breed as well. The dad was an older mean looking dude. They struggled to make their house payment but tried to keep their house looking semi-nice. Mr. Snyder moved out for several years, leaving Mrs. Snyder in the house by itself, and that house started to look like shit. I don’t know what happened, but Mr. Snyder moved back in. I guess he wanted to make the house look nicer, because he started to get all these foster kids that would live there for one or two years and work on the house. The house never started looking as nice as it did before Mr. Snyder had moved out. As far as those foster kids went, they seemed to come and go so fast that none of the kids ever really knew them that well.

The Hawk family was probably the closest to the Snyder family. Mr. Hawk died when I was about ten of obesity. He must have weighed 500 pounds. At the funeral, they had to buy two plots and cut his body in half and stick it in two caskets. The rumor on the street was that Mrs. Hawk was looking to get rid of him and thought she was abusing their child. Who knows what the truth really was, but not too long after Mr. Hawk’s funeral, a new man moved in with Mrs. Hawk. After that, the Hawk kid just wasn’t very good anymore. He always wanted to play a different game than the rest of us. If we were playing touch football in the street, he was in his backyard playing basketball or quidditch or something. He was just a terrible athlete and we didn’t really like to be around him.

The Clone family lived on our cul-de-sac and, like everyone else, just didn’t fit in. Their house was small, but it backed up to a larger house on the next street. The kid that lived there liked to play with the kid in the house behind him, but he was stuck playing with the other kids on the cul-de-sac most of the time. His dad left the family and suddenly became a powerful and successful businessman, although everyone knew he was involved in some shady business deals. The mom would try to get the son to play with everyone, but none of the kids were ever too excited about it. The last year I lived there, the Clones got a new big TV and were bragging about it to everyone on the block. Most of the people already had big televisions, except for the Starrs, of course. The Starrs didn’t have anything.

The kid from the Pinky household was an okay dude. He told me his parents bitched about living on that cul-de-sac all the time. In fact, they told everyone how much they hated it there. I found it kind of odd that when we were moving, the whole Pinky family came over and told us they really liked it on the cul-de-sac and were going to live there at least six more years, if not forever. They seemed to be lying.

The Bozworths were usually kind of quiet, but when they said anything they sounded like idiots. Their kid was good at playing games, but he cheated. When you played at game at his house, he always won, but when it was at another one of our houses, it was a different story. He wasn’t very intelligent, but, for the most part, he knew his place and kept quiet. His parents drank a lot, so he was born without a top lip, a condition known as fetal alcohol syndrome. When we moved away, his parents suddenly started looking for houses west of town, but I suppose they couldn’t qualify for a loan. Like the Pinky’s, they told us they planned to live on the cul-de-sac for several more years, and they were happy there. If they were happy, why were they looking around?

The Bozworths little cousin also lived on the street. He lived with his parents and his grandfather. According to my parents, Bozworth’s cousin’s parents didn’t make any money. No one was even sure they had jobs. The grandfather apparently had more money than they could even spend. He was a senile old man that sat around the house in a blanket spouting off a bunch of nonsense. Supposedly, Bozworth’s cousin’s parents would post some of what the grandfather said on Facebook and Twitter under the username shitmydadsays. I always felt sorry for those people. The dad had a tanning bed in the house and spiked his hair, but the senile old man ran the household.

We had another dysfunctional family on the block, the Redds. They all had herpes and it seemed one of them was breaking out all the time. The dad delivered pizzas and the mom turned tricks. The mom kicked the dad out of the house one day because he had supposedly locked their kid in a closet. Very soon after that, an older man moved in. He spent his time on internet dating sites trying to upgrade his family situation. The thing was, he wasn’t shy about it. We all knew he didn’t want to live there. His wife gave him herpes but it seemed he was hitting on every single woman in the city. He hated it on the cul-de-sac. He still lives there.

Then, there was the Brown family. Everyone hated the Brown family, except the Starrs. I saw that Starr kid masturbating outside the Brown’s front window one night. If someone got a new driveway, the Brown family immediately got a new, bigger driveway. The Pinky’s built a pool, so the Browns built a bigger pool and wouldn’t let anyone swim in it. When the Clones got their new television, the Browns upgraded all the televisions in their house and made sure they were all better than the Clones’ television. They were horrible neighbors. When they heard that we were moving, they came over five days in a row and told us they were moving to a better place. The weird thing was, everyday they told us they were moving somewhere different. In fact, they told my parents that their kid, Casey, would never play with me again if we moved. My Dad told them their kid could hang out with me once a year if they wanted to, but they said no. The Browns said they wanted their precious Casey to be hanging out with priests, and they were going to try to get priests to buy our house.

There had been two other families with kids on the block, but they had moved away a year prior to us after their houses both burned down. The empty burned out houses still sat on the street, no one bothering to rebuild them. My parents talked to the families that moved, and both of them accused the Brown kid of burning down their house. They said they talked to the Browns about it, and the Browns denied it before saying, “If you don’t like us, that’s your problem. We are who we are.”

Anyway, both families seemed pretty happy after the fires. They both moved to nicer houses in much nicer neighborhoods.

rules has been found it is necessary to ascertain what formal institutional policies and procedures

were in place at the time the violation of NCAA rules occurred and whether those policies and

procedures, if adequate, were being monitored and enforced. It is important that policies and

procedures be established so as to deter violations and not merely to discover their existence

after they have taken place. In a case where proper procedures exist and are appropriately

enforced, especially when they result in the prompt detection, investigation and reporting of the

violations in question, there may be no lack of institutional control although the individual or

individuals directly involved may be held responsible.

Source

I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time the past couple months following the saga of conference realignment. From message boards to Twitter to websites, you can knock off hours at a time following this stuff and end the day with nothing more than a laugh over the spaghetti thrown against the wall by certain “insiders”. College sports (and specifically, collegiate student athletes) are supposed to be the last bastion of pure athletic competition, unsullied by the cruel beast of capitalism and me-ism. At a time when we recoil in disgust at the antics of professional athletes such as Floyd Mayweather, Jr, and his entire entourage of thugs or Plaxico Burress (who was such a gangsta that he shot himself when he dropped his piece thru his warm-ups), some of us take refuge in the calming cradle of our last hope for some sort of regulated control over the wave of money, fame, and sex rained down upon our golden calves in sports.

The idea that college sports is anything but corrupt is only held by the wide doe eyed idiots of our fandom and the sidemouth-talking powers that control college sports. That’s quite an accussastion, I realize. But let’s not for one second try to convince ourselves that college sports is anything but a money maker. It would not exist without the backroom deals and the Vegas gambling and the under-the-brim-of-the-cap cash “donations” made to our student athletes.

So, as I peruse Twitterverse for hours on end, the odd thing that keeps coming up is how everything in college football is about to change. For the past 100 years, college football is the place where we can go and actually have a stake in the outcome of the game. Dallas Cowboys fans are rabid, but mainly when they are winning. Houston Texan fans are committed, but have only been so for a few years since they didn’t even exist the last time the Cowboys won a Super Bowl. Either way, if a fan of another team criticizes the Cowboys, it won’t be taken anywhere as personally as a slam to one’s college team.

Of course, the caveat here is that fandom resides mainly from the folks who actually attended there, or have family that attended there. Even still, the “fans” of a team are missing out completely on the experience of having a personal stake in the fandom. Being a fan of a pro team, except for the employees, is missing the personal connection to the team like you have in college sports. Obviously, that’s where college sports breeds such feelings of “win at all costs”. This is your education and reputation at stake, by gawd.  We go to class with those same student athletes that we watch on the field on Saturday.  They are just like us.

Right?

Whatever the reason for fandom, heart or head, the fact remains that committed college sports fans are rabid beyond logic. The NCAA is there to temper the actions of those who go off the reservation and try to get an advantage however they see possible. This group oversees the competition committees, rules on eligibility of its participants, and governs the actions and activities of its member institutions.

Right?

For all the power that it wields, the NCAA has no control over how each sovereign entity (ie – “its members”, “the schools”) chooses to do business outside of the scope it lays down. If Texas Tech wants to only sell tickets to students and play in a 20,000 seat stadium, it’s total up to them as long as they use participants that follow the NCAA guidelines and conduct business as per NCAA rules on competition. Likewise, if Texas Tech decides to form a union of other like-minded schools (such as Texas A&M or Oklahoma) in order to package the rights of its broadcasts, there’s nothing the NCAA can do to stop that, as long as the games follow the competition rules set forth by the NCAA. If school decides to strike out on its own and shun joining a union of other schools and sign its soul away for, oh let’s just say, $300 million or so, the NCAA cannot stop that sovereign entity from doing so, as foolish as it may be or as restrictive as the contract verbiage might be.

In short, the NCAA serves as a powerful overlord who decides who can participate and which teams are allowed to use certain players based on the conduct of those institutions. They cannot perform nor restrict things such as broadcast rights, media coverage, or even the referees of the matches (those are decided by each conference, FYI.) except in the case of penalties (such as A&M’s television restrictions in it’s Should-Have-Been National Championship year of 1994). As long as each institution uses cleared participants and contracts with those participants in a fair, amateur style (ie – “can’t be paid for performing”), any other activity is up to the individual institutions to govern. As it pertains to championships (we are talking football here, since that’s the heart of college sports), the NCAA doesn’t even crown one or take part in the selection of one. You want to win a bar bet? Ask some drunk how many football championships have been named in history by the NCAA. Answer – ZERO. They do not presently or in the past take part in the selection of a national champion in football.

Rant aside, the interesting thing that I’ve noticed this last summer is the lack of control over any aspect of these conversations the NCAA has. In the middle of August when the first major chasms in the Big 12 occurred and Texas A&M was shining its shoes for a trip to Birmingham, the NCAA dropped the hammer on Miami (FL) football after the story of a CONVICTED FELON talking about his influence over football players in Coral Gables was released. And we all stood in shock to find out that of all places, Miami might have people allowed on the sidelines who may have slipped a cool hunny to the players after the games. Miami is expected to be smacked with the worst punishment the NCAA can levy…one for a “lack of institutional control”. SMU was “convicted” of this in the 80′s, and the NCAA shut them down completely with the Death Penalty, the harshest penalty possible. Rumor in the NCAA, though, is that they would never do that ever again because it destroyed a program that’s just now trying to get its feet under itself again. If the Death Penalty really were an option, we would have seen it in the late 90′s/early 00′s with Alabama, or with Miami forthcoming. College football programs all cheat, and if you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’. You definitely ain’t winnin’.

Ooooo. My innocence is crushed now.

All of this comes on the heels of the folks at the Ohio State University taking quick aim at the nearest sweatervest they could find and ushering it and its contents the hell out of town along with their starting quarterback who was apparently complicit in taking money. The quarterback, by the way, showed up at the school driving a pimped out ride, which is typical for amateur athletes to be able to afford, right? I remember the first luxury SUV I bought in college with tv’s in the back showing porno as I drove down the road. It was a simpler time then, though.

[fart sound]

We all know that college athletes get money to play college football, and the teams who get busted are the ones who blatantly flaunt their disregard for the rules. Hell, OU had their started QB and a starting OL busted being paid by a car dealership RED HANDED and all over the internet, and somehow were able to get out with a slap on the wrist. Then they had the audacity to appeal the slap on the wrist and WON THE APPEAL. Does that sound like the dealings of an NCAA who has its hands wrapped around its member institutions?

Since all the conference realignment avalanche started, the thing that’s most apparent is that there’s no control over any of this by any ruling body. People are starting to question these dealings, to the point where the entire NCAA should be reformed. Right now, the NCAA has zero power over the conference realignment conundrum b/c they can’t dictate to sovereign entities how to do certain business. They can only apply rules of eligibility towards the athletes themselves.

The rampant cheating is getting out of hand, though. Check this video out, though…the Fiesta Bowl was busted this year for its employees making political contributions and then being reimbursed, and it looks like the Sugar Bowl may have done the exact same thing. Compliance becomes a factor when the issues regarding payola to political figures for special treatment come up, which means that vicariously the NCAA can in fact execute some sort of authority over the games that the schools play.  This all comes under the watchful nose of the NCAA.  The NCAA knows this is going on, or they are too stupid to figure it out.  Either way, there should be changes to keep this sort of thing out.  I’m sure Ken Starr could use a job when all the dust is settled.

The NCAA will be looked upon to step up and do something as the age of endless news cycles explodes and everyone with an iPhone and a WordPress account can wait outside the AD’s office and report back all the nefarious dealings he is having. If you are dealing with amateur athletes who get paid NOTHING (officially) for performing and the use of their likeness, then at some point the NCAA will have to play a bigger part in the day-to-day operations of college football and become the governing body most of us expect them to be in the first place. UNLESS, of course, a group of those sovereign entities decide that the NCAA has overstepped its bounds in being heavy-handed and decides that the NCAA as a governing body is either unfair in its practices or that it can’t control the legal business practices of that individual institution. Let’s say that an institution that has just signed its entire broadcast rights away to a massive corporation who can and will exert whatever power it needs to turn a profit decides (collectively with its business partner) that the rules set forth by the NCAA are not dealt with evenly, fairly, or even with any sort of true authority. Then that entity can make a business case to extricate itself and play the game the way it wants to w/o fear of Death Penalties or broadcast restrictions.  To do business the way IT sees fit, and the rules it wants to play

Because, isn’t that what business of college football is all about?

Nebraska

“Very intimidating. Everyone is wearing red.”
“Crazy people. The stadium was full well before game time.”
“Man, walking into the stadium I’d never seen so many people.”

Colorado

“I’d never seen the mountains before. It was beautiful.”
“I had trouble breathing at that game. The fans were assholes.”
“I loved that place. There weren’t too many people at the game, though.”

Texas A&M

“They were so loud we couldn’t run audibles.”
“That was a big time atmosphere. It looked like those SEC games you see on TV.”
“My parents were there and they said they are trying to get my little brother to go to school there.”

The Schools that are likely gone

Missouri

“It was kind of neat seeing people having picnics in the endzone.”
“It was a big stadium but there were a lot of empty seats.”
“It reminded me of a pro sports crowd.”

Oklahoma

“They packed a lot of people in that place. They were rude.”
“My parents sat next to people that had no teeth.”
“The weird thing was I saw adults, not students, in fraternity gear. I don’t get it.”

Oklahoma State

“The stadium seems to be right on top of you.”
“There were thousands of empty seats, but they wouldn’t sell my family tickets at the box office.”
“The announcer was retarded.”

Texas Tech

“I was distracted. I kept looking in the stands and the fans were tearing out the seats.”
“Several times before plays, tortillas hit me or landed near me. I don’t know why the officials didn’t stop the game or something.”
“We came out of the tunnel at halftime and ran by their cheerleaders. Almost all of them had some kind of scabs on their faces.”

Schools that my be out of luck

Kansas

“The crowd was small, but they held their arms up and did some kind of wheat thing.”
“This was my second time there. They used to have a big fat coach. They were good when they had that big fat coach. They suck, now.”
“The people in the first few rows kept talking shit about basketball.”

Kansas State

“Everyone was wearing purple. It was weird.”
“The field was terrible. It’s like they didn’t have enough money to put down real turf.”
“Their stadium is named for their coach. That guy is creepy. He tried to recruit me.”

Iowa State

“It was a really small stadium, but the crowd seemed into it. It was a lot better than Baylor.”
“They have something going there. The crowd was excited. The crowd was better than Texas.”
“That place was far away. It was weird that we had to travel so far to play a conference game.”

The school that would have an option if it dropped its network

Texas

“It was cool. We could eat taco bell at halftime.”
“They had a lot of people there, but the crowd was nothing like the crowds at Texas A&M, Kansas State, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma State.
“There were tons of people tailgating, but most of them didn’t go in the game.”

The school whose president has ensured it will never play in a major conference

Baylor

“It was like my high school crowd.”
“The fans didn’t seem to know when to cheer. It was worse than high school. It’s like they’d never watched football before.”
“I hated it. It was worse than my high school crowd. I saw some dude running around with blood stains on his crotch. He seemed to be a popular professor or something, too. Gross. I don’t understand why we have to play a team like that.”

Consider each conference a healthy 18-40 year old man look to add another conquest to his conference. The women depicted for each school represent how attractive that school is for other conferences. Obviously, some of the schools are more attractive than others.

THE SCHOOLS THAT ARE GONE:

Colorado

Nebraska

Texas A&M

The Schools that are Leaving

Oklahoma

Oklahoma State

Texas Tech

Missouri

THE SCHOOLS THAT WILL GO TO THE BIG EAST

Kansas

Kansas State

Iowa State

THE SCHOOL FORCING ITS WAY INTO ITS FIFTH OR SIXTH OPTION

Texas

SCHOOLS THAT WILL BE RELEGATED FURTHER DOWN THAN CONFERENCE USA BECAUSE OF KEN STARR

Baylor

Let’s look at some individual teams in the Big 12 and where they will end up:

Texas A&M – Texas A&M will be in the SEC in 2012.

Oklahoma – Oklahoma will be in the Pac 12 in 2013. While 25% of the Big 12 teams have escaped to better conferences, the Big 12 have-nots and Texas are trying to get Oklahoma to stay in the conference by offering them less money. It really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Oklahoma will originally agree to try to make the Big 12 work, but the conference infighting and political struggles have already ruined the league. Ken Starr has a lot to do with this.

Oklahoma State – Oklahoma State will follow Oklahoma.

Kansas, Kansas State, and Iowa State – It appears these three will head to the Big East. Kansas is eyeing the PAC 12, but appears to be satisfied with the Big East instead. Kansas is more left brain (basketball) dominant, so they don’t think like a normal school would, opting to go where basketball will be enhanced as much as possible. These three might also stay in the Big 12, but that is not their preference.

Mizzou – Mizzou is still a question mark. While the fate of most of the other schools has already been cemented, Mizzou still has some options. It’s likely they will join the SEC in 2013, but that hinges on the Big 10. It appears the Big 10 is more interested in the east coast. The Big 10′s strategy to control the east coast media is brilliant, and will force Mizzou to the SEC. There is a chance that Mizzou could still end up in the Big East as well.

Baylor – Baylor is not tied to Texas like Texas Tech is. If not for the Ken Starr shenanigans, Baylor could have gone to the Big East with the Kansas schools and Iowa State. No conference will touch Baylor because of Ken Starr.

Texas – Texas, like Baylor, does not have many options. Their network is an albatross that makes them untouchable by any of the soon to be superconferences. Texas is not Notre Dame. Texas will remain in the Big 12 with Baylor and Texas Tech. The Big 12 will increase its membership to ten teams including Houston, SMU, Tulsa and BYU. If the Kansas Schools and Iowa State do go to the Big East, New Mexico, UTEP, and either Tulsa or Rice will slip into the Big 12. Boise is not interested in the Big 12. There is also a chance that Texas could go independent in football and keep the Big assembled for their other sports. If that’s the case, The Big 12 will need an eleventh team and both Rice and Tulsa will join the league.

Texas Tech – Texas Tech will go wherever Texas goes. The best scenario for Texas Tech is for Texas to remain in the Big 12 in football.

Summary

While there are still a few question marks out there, mainly with Missouri, we are confident that the Big 12 will survive. The Big 12 will continue to have its automatic BCS birth, but that will not mean much when the superconferences abolish the current BCS system, which could come as early as 2013, but will probably be delayed for another year or two as the superconferences all expand to at least 16 teams.

It’s an exciting era for all true college football fans.

2. Oklahoma State* – The Pokes sport an explosive offense and their defense looks good enough to keep them in some games.

3. Iowa State* – The Cyclones looked pretty good beating their rival this weekend. They should reach a bowl game this year.

4. Missouri – Tough loss in Arizona St on Friday night, but it looks like the Tigers will be a force in the Big 12 this season. Their string of ten win seasons is likely gone.

5. Texas Tech – It’s hard to get a read on things out in west Texas. The Raiders were trailing Southwest Texas State in week one.

6. Baylor* – The Bears had their biggest win since joining the Big 12 and, ironically, it was against a school they screwed over when the SWC imploded.

7. Texas – Quarterback problems. You know things are bad when the Longhorn faithful are excited about scoring 17 points.

8. Kansas State* – I fully expect Kansas State to show something in the near future. Look for them to move up this list as the season unfolds.

9. Kansas* – They miss the fat man.

* Denotes a team that does not belong in a BCS conference

Note – Texas A&M has asked to not be associated with the Big 12. We are respecting their wishes by not including them in this poll. They would have been ranked number 1.