Here Goes Another Year of Emotional Torture


 


You fight that fight
And when you’re fightin’ you feel all right
But when, when things stop feeling all right
And everything is all right
‘Cause we will never listen to your rules
We will never do what others do
Know what we want and we get it from you
We do what we like and we like what we do


I do this every year. Every single frickin’ year for the entire month of August, all I can think about is college football and A&M’s ability to actually win a national championship and be crowned the World’s Best Team for at least 8 months. It helps to be in Texas where the baseball season is the equivalent to the last hour of Wedding Crashers…just totally sucked and makes you wonder why you got so excited about it in the first place.

No, it’s college football season. The time of the year when we get our hopes up for the eventual and inevitable national championship run, incredible plans for block parties involving all of our neighbors and beer and BBQ, and getting a chance to rub the Sears Trophy in the face of every single person you know who went to whatever school it is they went to that didn’t win the championship like you did. Of course by “you” I mean your school that you chose over the other ones and  that you had nothing to do with winning the game unless praying and bartering with God for a win counts. By the way, there has to be at least one of you reading this who told Him last year that you were giving up drinking and were going to start going to church more if he’d let us beat texas. Maybe YOU’RE the reason the Ags haven’t won yet…

Those three things listed above are pipe dreams. Your team’s chance to win a championship or your ability to plan a block party that anyone would be interested in are such longshots that we should just go ahead and say that it won’t happen. But that won’t keep us from getting all geeked up in August as we wait for 100-degree days to pass, for crappy baseball to go away again, and for ESPN College Gameday to come on so we can bitch about Lee Corso’s picks and call him a penis while secretly hoping that some Saturday morning’s broadcast will include some big breasted college chick that is drunk enough to flash the camera. That’s why I TIVO those damn things.

College football exists for one reason and one reason only: to break your heart year after year and have you come running back year after year because, dammit this may be The Year. I actually think that this could be a spectacular team that is capable of doing some spectacular things, but they have quite a few ghosts haunting them from years past and history doesn’t rewrite itself overnight. Of course it doesn’t help much that most big-named schools (including A&M here, in case you were wondering) are playing Div I-AA schools, so after week 1 we should have a nation full of fans who are ready to actually get to play some real teams in week 2. Then we’ll play Fresno State. And then ULaMon. Grrr…Losing my wood…

Ags 45 MoState 10

-Higher Authority


All the Answers with King Puppy and Higher Authority


How awkward is a Jordan Peterson endzone dance in the event that he takes a punt return to the house? Are we thinking some sort of jig, or perhaps a riverdance of sorts? I’m a bit concerned.

cameron00 

KP:    I really don’t think the dance itself would be all that awkward.  I do see some potential problems if J.P. tries to incorporate a brother or two in the celebration.  Remember how uncomfortable you felt watching Fran try to interact with Tellus after the dunk at Night of Champions?  “Hey there, Young Money-Man, let the high-fives abound!!  Huzzah!!” 
Well, it has the potential to be that bad (sans the teabagging).
 

HA:  This team could really improve with the presence of one single winja to give the less groovy ones a little bit of soul.  Maybe even learning how to jump mailboxes and parked cars in the offseason would increase their ability to do some getdown ability.

 

 

why do you think 1/5 of americans cant locate the US on a map?  Is Daveigh Chase fair game yet? King Puppy, friend or foe of Captain Kangaroo?

gigem06 

KP:    Are you kidding me?  Three quarters of our board thought the barkingcarnival.com Stoops “interview” was the real deal.  I think everyone needs to cut Miss South Cackylacky a little slackylacky.  First, she’s hotter than anyone most of you guys pull off to.  Secondly…actually, that’s really the only legitimate justification I have. On an unrelated note, check out those guys at barkingcarnival.com.  They’re funnier than hell.  Give me a little time, I’m out of practice here. David Chase – Hey, if you want to nail the Sopranos guy, feel free.  Word of warning: He’s married.   Captain Kangaroo – You talking about the original Cap’n or the Two Million Dollar Man (complete with Kung-Fu grip and actual lactating mammaries)?  It makes a difference. 

HA:   Have you ever dated a hot chick that also had a great singing voice?  It’s actually pretty cool for a while, but then it gets annoying because she’s always singing around the house.  If bitches could use their singing power only when it’s needed (like during mutual orgasm to enhance the experience) this world would be a better place.  Wait, is that chick 18 yet?  I rescind my previous answer and respond with, “Who are we talking about again?” Yours very truly, Hollis Green.

 

 

Can you explain what that gay hand-waving gesture is that alot of the old Big 8 teams do when they score? Kansas and OSU come to mind.  Why is Ron Prince running off his assitant coaches?

jdbarfoot 

HA:  No idea what you are talking about.

 

Please explain, with authority, who’s to blame for 3rd and 2.

1968fan 

KP:    When asked about the much-derided option to the short side of the field, Fran basically said that was all McGee.  If asked about 3rd and 2, I’ll venture that he will put that one on Dustin Long somehow. Those 3rd and 2 calls were indefensible in my opinion.  Fran has vapor-locked in some key situations over the past few years here.  He’s gone all in this season, and he can’t afford to give any games away due to shaky in-game calls.  Ugh.  Let’s just move on and hope for the best.   

HA:  No doubt that a 3rd and 2 will happen this year and I’m sure Fran will call  the exact same play again.  If it works, I’m double sure he’ll tell everyone that “that was supposed to be what happened against OU” and all the dickhead writers will giggle like mongloid idiots. If it fails, he’ll blame it on someone else again.   Meanwhile, I’ll remain unimpressed with the entire decision.

 

 

On a scale of Ju Parks Kelvin Flood, how hyped up will Rodger Holland be if he actually makes a catch against MSU Saturday?

ans4959 

HA:  Aggies and Yellsiders in general have a tendency to overhype one player each year and this is him.  The newest Great White Hope.  Good thing Jordan Shipley didn’t come to A&M or Yellsider would have collectively creamed their pants.

 

Do you think Jordan Peterson is starting because he is white?  If Javorskie was a care bear, which one would he be? What special powers would he have?

lonestarag05 

KP:    If anyone deserves to be starting based upon anything other than talent, look no further than Ben Bitner.  First of all, he pissed off a bunch of Old Army because of his ridiculously long hair (pissed off geriatrics = 5 KP Bonus Points).  He then forced everyone complaining to shut the hell up because he grew it out as a promise to his dying grandmother (shoving it right back in their faces = 15 KP Bonus Points). If that wasn’t enough, we learned that the guy lived under bridges for a year and a half.  Let me say that again: HE LIVED UNDER BRIDGES.  Any man who survives by drinking urine from squirrel bladders is OK in my book. If that weren’t enough, check out his roster photo from this year.  My boy went Friar Tuck on us.  How is this guy not a nationwide legend yet?  Aggie Nation, spread the word about our lil’ nonconformist.  You’re letting Double B down mightily. If he were only tall enough to ride The Looping Starship, he’d get some serious playing time. I can’t come up with a decent name for Care Bear Jorvorski, but his special power would be the ability to give Mark May a raging erection from over 2,000 miles away.

wtf is haberdashery? was Jesus white?  who actually stole Colt McCoy’s snickers?

Big_Chin 

KP:  I’ll let a release from the Longhorn S.I.D. answer your last query:
“The University of Texas family was shocked and dismayed to learn of reports of the theft of an unnamed Longhorn football player’s candy bar.  Rest assured that the University of Texas, Mack Brown and the entire athletic department view any thievery of such chocolaty goodness indefensible. 
Reports linking Longhorn family member and lover of baby harp seals are incorrect and irresponsible as we have recently obtained totally unenhanced video footage of him attempting to rescue miners trapped in that mine collapse. 
Good day.
 
p.s. – We are Texas.”
 
Hey Horns, don’t get too excited about the whole Snickers thing.  The slogan is “Packed with PEANUTS, Snickers really satisfies.”  I know you just misheard that one.  It’s a mistake common to your ilk. 

What can we expect from this season of Scrubs? Will Carla and Turk have troubles with their marriage? Any chance J.D and Elliot will get back together? Will there be peace between the Janitor and J.D?  What’s the best way to get sand out of a vagina?

Doug Fu 

HA:  I can’t watch that show.  It reminds me of all the drunken stories my friends have about me that I don’t recall.  I tried to watch it but always end up saying, “I don’t remember ever being a doctor.” 

Is King Puppy on Heartworm prevention? Is he still scooting on the carpet?

Reecol 

KP:    Your insolence has earned you unimaginable suffering and woe.  A hundred generations of your progeny shall pay for your transgressions.  The entire world will bear witness to the black rain of sorrow that shall continuously beat upon their brow. And yeah, when my ass itches, a scoot across the rug is heavenly 

HA:  You guys realize he’s not a real dog, right? 

My question is what about the 2008 team. Many starting seniors are graduating. Do you guys think the 08 team will be as good as the 07 team?dcathey01 

KP:    The strength of this year’s team is going to be our OL.  Obviously, we’re losing a lot of our talent there after 2007.  Those in the program have been circling this year on the calendar for a reason. As far as results go, we may end up doing just as well in 2008.  Because of our style of play, we’re going to keep most games close.  When you’re doing that, you may lose some games you should win, and vice-versa.  Whether we find our kicking game could very well determine the outcomes of a good four or five games over the next couple of seasons.

When did this become a football blog? Isn’t that a little bit over your collective heads? Shouldn’t you stick to porn and devil worship

giveusroom 

KP:    We’re not obviously going to do any heavy Xs and Os lifting on here.  You are going to see more general conversations type stuff on here.  Since I have moved back to B/CS, I have talked to a couple of guys that know more than the average bear, and if they share anything of interest, I’ll drop it here (where we’re not subject to wacko deletions). While I’ll admit that there are quite a few intricacies that I fail to pick up, let’s stop acting like football is some sort of chess match, only understandable by those who exist on a higher plane of intelligence than the rest of us.  Fact is, football is a fairly simple game, played and coached by guys of *ahem* average intelligence. Disagree?  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present you with Exhibit A: Les Miles.  The prosecution rests. 

HA:  Believe it or not, both of us have followed Aggie football to a unhealthy degree for quite a while and know a lot more about what’s going on that you’d think.  We don’t have dinner plans with Acie Law or anything like that, but are as rabid of Aggies as one can be without actually going to Harvard.  Sounds crazy, but it’s true.  We’re just good ol’ boys, never meanin’ no harm.

Which way will Jorvorskie Lane score the majority of his short yardage touchdowns? Fat-side up or Fat-side down? Should he be slathered with mustard?

3Dman  

HA:  He goes head first, so I’d say ‘down’.  Not going to dignify the rest of the faggotry in the question. 

On average how much revenue does a game at Kyle create for the University? Something i’ve always wondered about.

So Tex 

HA:  That’s actually a really good question and I don’t know the answer to it.  However, I figure it has to be less than $4million net since that was the number that was being thrown around for each team if they moved the A&M/Tech game to Dallas.  Rough math gives me: 75,000 tickets at $60 = $4.5million After concessions and stuff I’m sure the total is close to $6million, but that’s a total guess and it’s based on an average ticket price of $60.   

 

Who is more powerful? The Freudian Slip Sphinx or the HA/KP duo? Also, do you and KP wave your arms Medusa style when fielding our questions? And if you do, then why? If you don’t, do you think it has adverse effects on how truly powerful you are versus how powerful you could theoretically be?
BB_05

HA:  We aren’t that powerful w/o the evil mastery of Billy Pickard.  Yes, we sit at our computers and randomly wave our arms like the snakes atop Medusa’s head.  Mexican Nanny thinks I’m crazy, but isn’t sure how to ask me what I’m doing in English.

KP:    Agreed.  Little Known Fact: If I am more than 100 miles away from Pickard, I am transformed into a harmless marionette.

 

What’s the best way to get your laptop back if it’s locked in a dental assistant’s apartment in St. Louis?

sosolik99 

HA:  Call the police, I guess.  Is that right, jmt?  

 

I’ve never seen Dervin Davis or Fred Thompson in a room together, is it possible they’re one in the same?

LesAg 

HA:  No.  Have you ever seen either of them individually in a room? 

 

what happened in st. louis?  no, i mean what *really* happened?  include pictures.

chandler bhang 

HA:  The St. Louis Story is kinda lame.  The rumor was that Byrne flew to St. Louis to meet with Butch Davis’ people, but nothing every came out of it.  People blew it up like there was something going on, but honestly Byrne doesn’t have the power to fire the football coach on his own.  He has to make sure that the “Big Money” guys are on board with him, and so far they are not.  If Fran tanks this year, they will be less reticent to make a change. 

KP:    No, I still think someone got cornholed.   

HA:   Yeah, the fans.

 

Where’s my hat?

Ag98

HA:  You left it at some dude’s house after a torrid one night stand.  Don’t call him for it, though…he may be needy  Just kidding, dawg.  Have you looked on your head?  Seems like a logical place to me.  Call me ‘crazy’.

 

Who wins an Old Yeller Tooth vs. Coach Fran Cage Match?  What’s the best sure fire way to detect a t-shirt sip (besides the inevitable pup tent whenever the words “Vince” and “Young” are uttered consecutively)?

JCW AgMan

HA:  I think Mack would win.  He’s in better shape and doesn’t wear glasses.  Fran is like Velma from Scooby Doo with those glasses.  Knock ‘em off and you’ve got yourself a blind lesbian. The best way to detect a t-shirt sip is to just ask them what year they graduated from the school.  Mike Leach said it best, “Did you go to school there?  No?  Did you work there?  No?  Well, nice shirt.” 

KP:     Mike Leach says everything best.  How many coaches make a reference to the USA Network classic Silk Stalkings?

 

What would you do with your used napkin at a formal dinner?

sbarnett 

HA:  During the meal, you should keep it in your lap.  Never tuck it in like a bib unless you are eating lobster and/or are Tony Soprano eating ziti/manigot’. 

 

Who is our sexiest player over 300 pounds?

TP97 

HA:  Is Fran included? The obvious answer would be “Javorskie”, but the right answer is “Ummm…homo?” 

 

Now that King Pupppy is back, why did he turn into King Puppy and ditch the Hammitron handle? Also, can I have the gif of the gorilla beating his drum?

Ag in CircleC 

HA:  Just because and no. 

 

I noticed they are advertising lil debbies on national tv. Is that an idicator that our football tema has turned the corner on the national scene?

MovingInStereo 

HA:  No correlation.  By the way, I don’t change the spelling on your questions, so if they are screwy looking it’s because they come like that.  I just don’t feel like adding “(sic)” after all of your posts.

Do you REALLY want to ask these guys football questions?

Tarp

HA:  It was your idea in the first place.  Don’t throw us under the bus, dude.  I’ve got Lowry Mays on speed dial and he’ll haul his wrinkled old ass over to your house and climb up in you because he owes me a favor for providing us with such terrible radio coverage for so long.

Just how big can j-train get and still play rb. I’d personally like to see him at his max weight.

sbarnett 

HA:  I’m pretty sure he was about as big as a rb can be last year and he was pretty effective.  He still has two seasons to go, though, so I guess we’ll see.  Unconfirmed reports had him at 300lbs last year.   That’s bigger than The Fridge. 

 

Hypothetically, if Fran hypothetically tanked the season and we hypothetically finished 6-6 could we hypothetically steal Butch Davis away from UNC? Hypothetically.

catorano

HA:  Not a chance ever ever ever.   

 

Is it true that the only thing to soothe King Puppy’s temper is the sweet sound of “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me” by Culture Club?  Is it true Mikey that you were the original character in Full Metal Jacket who had the statement made to them, “Not until you eat the corn oughta my shit!” and did so, hence your removal from the set? Is it true that Redass05 lost his virginity the corner on the other side of the mens bathroom in the chicken with non other than Listeater?  Is it true Peter Pan sucks and Jif is better?  If I change my username to Darth Vato, will it be seen as racist? Did you wear your Crocs to work today?

austin6261 

HA:  All ridiculous questions, but the most ridiculous is the one about Redass05.  Everyone knows that he never lost his virginity.  Not with a girl, at least.   

 

Is being blacklisted racially motivated? Who will be the next coach?

wick 

HAEverything is racially motivated these days, however when I was blacklisted it was definitely racially motivated as I was pointing out the racist comments of a certain mod.  Who’s banned now, bitch?   I get the feeling that Fran will be around for quite a while, but if something disastrous happens and he is replaced after this year then Byrne will go out and find some coach that most of us have never heard of and are extremely under whelmed by at first but who wins our hearts at his intro press conference by crying about his former players.   

KP:    Fran ain’t going anywhere anytime soon.  As far as our next coach…are you ready to get Tommerdawsome?!?!?!

Can you please predict the game and situation which will finally cause CDF to show some emotion and slam his silly little note pad to the ground in anger?  And, at that point, will the game be stopped while the entire A&M team stares in disbelief?

WalkOnDad

HA:  I do this every week, sir.  Was it MarcAg that responded, “What is ‘suck’?”.  Genius.  The only thing that would stop the game down is if Fran ran out on the field and stripped down like the guy on SlapShot.  Great movie, by the way.  It has the mother from A Christmas Story and she’s topless. Not that I wanted to see that necessarily, but it was kinda hot after the fact.  Then again celebrity nudity always does a little something for me.  What are we talking about again?  

 

KP:     Slapshot is an incredibly underrated flick.

What I’m waiting for is the Dennis Franchione that absolutely bitched Nick Saban (aka The Biggest Hardass in Football) after Bama mauled LSU.  Where is that guy? The funniest thing about that incident is it started because of some BS internet rumor started by some LSU fan.  It made it all the way to the ears of The Franner, and he lit into Saban like nobody’s business on national television.  And we wonder why Fran hates the Internet.

 

No one has ever been able to tell me if Reveille ever gets laid or not.

Knot.Hole 

HA:  Not if they have her fixed early on, although I suspect some late-night canoodling in the E-2 dorms when the wicked winds chill the quad.  “You got your demons, you got desires, Miss Rev, and I’ve got a few of my own…”

KP:      Reveille does not have sex….she makes love.  Trust me on this one.


Ok, that’s all the time/patience we have for this session. Check back occassionally as we’ll be posting from time to time depending on what’s pissing us off or making us happy. Stay off the chems, keep jammin’, and we’ll see you.


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5 comments on “Here Goes Another Year of Emotional Torture

  1. AC Hopper, frankly I’m surprised that anyone would read enough of what we write for it to grow old.

    Thanks for the kind words.

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