Wait. Wow makes it seem like I was surprised.
What a FraTradegy…..I am SHOCKED….SHOCKED I tell you…..I guess the best I can do is give you a diary.
All day I spend at a stupid conference in Boston. I am able to get on TexAgs AgsOnly a few times. It mostly consists of people telling me how evil I am because I want the Ags to win, except when they are getting blown out, when I want them to get humiliated so the fat cheeseface gets can get fired ASAP. I justify this to myself. They hate me. I understand.
My conference ends. I try to make a “conference ends = non-conference is a joke” association. Little children whimper.
I head to “Champions” at the Marriott in Boston. It feels bad from the get go. I order a Sierra Nevada. They bring me a Sam’s Adam Oktoberfest. Oy ve. And I’m not even jewish.
After a “bucket of onion rings, with your choice of chicken fingers OR fried cheese” we settle in for a game. A long game. Hint. Hint.
Hurricane domination from the first snap. Well, it’s not like we knew from the OU game that we needed to throw.
Hurricanes go about 20 plays, 85 yards, picking up 9/10 3rd/4th downs. So we have a 10% chance. This is math.
Offense proceeds to try to run it outside against the “apparently” speedy hurricane defense. We spend the first half doing the following:
1. Miami Defense is fast = Aggies try to run it wide, we won’t even use 300 LB battering ram Lane up the middle. ZERO CARRIES.
2. Miami Defense got WORKED down the field vs OU = A&M attempts 6 passes, 3 completed, I think the longest play was 5 yards
3. Our Diabetic coach = Sugar deprived fatty fatness = walking death?
This is the best. We somehow stop them before the end of the first half, we have maybe 1:50 left in the game after the kick at 21-0. MAYBE we’ll go for it…or MAYBE…just MAYBE…we’ll suck a dick and kneel the ball.
SCREW THAT. Kneeling the ball is for wimps. We have time. Wait, we don’t have time. Let’s run the ball to our MOST FUMBLE PRONE RB and watch him cough up the ROCK. Our super fatness TB/FB/OLBack gets pissed as he hasn’t has a carry all game.
Repeat: Our tough as nails RB who knocks the sexuality out of players, doesn’t have a carry at the half.
The game is a disaster at the half. ABSOLUTE DISASTER.
Wait. I forgot to mention this one. It’s play ~17 of the FIRST series and we are on defense. Alton Dixon comes up and makes the average play he’s supposed to. He TAPS his helmet. “COACH, PLEASE SUB FOR ME, I NEED A BREATHER”……OH MY GOD….it’s the FIRST mother truckin series! THE FIRST SERIES and our safety is tapping out. Luckily we got our “Allstate Play of the Game” and were denied collision coverage from Darnell “Supplementary Insurance”. He sent the dude back in to get WORKED on defense for the TD. All around, a big league play, from a big league insurance carrier.
Holy Crap. I realize this post is already HUGE and I haven’t even touched on 1/2 of the game. Let’s go speed round:
OL got DOMINATED.
DBs got DOMINATED.
OL SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY got DOMINATED. In case you missed that.
Fatty got fattitied.
We had like 38 yd offense in the first half. This is our ENITIRE SR/JR offense w/ SO badass Mike Goodson Offense. 38 cocksucking yards!
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
And we gave up 200 yards on *cough* De *cough* F *cough* E *cough* you get the idea.
I won’t stand for it.
So, I go out, talk on the phone to KP, come to my senses, order a shot of jack, order my 4th Sierra Nevada 23 oz beer….
The 2nd half starts.
THERE ARE NO WORDS….THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!!!!
Wait. The announcers actually use the words HUMILIATION.
FRRRRRRRANTASTIC. 5 years of frantasism.
God. God? God doesn’t live here.