Fran Makes Your Ass Look Fat In Those Jeans.

Don’t laugh at me, Don’t call me names
Don’t get your pleasure from my pain
In God’s eyes we’re all the same
Someday we’ll all have perfect wings
Don’t laugh at me…

We’ve all been there.  A special lady friend or even a mom or sister goes and asks a question that is impossible to answer without either: a) flagrantly lying, or b) telling them something that they don’t want to hear. 

“Do these jeans make my ass look big?” 

No, your propensity to sit around the house sucking down chocolate brownies and ice cream makes your ass look big.  It’s really more the absolutely immense size of your ass that’s doing it – the jeans are just keepin’ it real. 

“I’m worried this paper is going to make me sound dumb.  Can you proofread it and let me know what you think?”   

Without so much as a glance at the paper in question, I can guarantee without any sliver of doubt that it’s going to make you sound dumb, because you are dumb and cannot communicate cognizant thought through literary means.  I’ll still read it and pretend it’s not that bad if you like.

“Don’t you think that girl is too skinny?  Her tits are obviously fake, by the way.” 

Yes, just like every other guy I know, I prefer pudgy girls with small breasts.  She’s a dog.

So let it be with Aggie football. 

5 years ago, Texas A&M University made what was at the time perceived by damn near everyone to be an outstanding hire. “Dennis Franchione recruits like Mack Brown and has the on-field play calling of Bob Stoops.” (Remember that little gem?)  The coups of stealing a high-profile coach from Alabama had excitement levels through the roof, and a Big 12 Championship was surely right around the corner with a run at the MNC soon to follow, right?  How could it possibly not be?  WE HIRED DENNIS FRANCHIONE.  And then the season started…

You got a whole lotta: “Hmmm…this isn’t looking so good.” and,  “Wow, that OOC game against Arkansas State was surprisingly close.” and a lot of “Gee, I sort of expected a little more out of our defense this year.”

which was invariably followed by: “Well, RC left the cupboard bare, you know.” and, “Torbush has a very complex system, but once our guys learn it, they’ll start kicking some major ass.” and a whole bunch of, “Let’s wait until he has his players in place before passing judgement.”

Apart from a very select few (that in retrospect now appear to be borderline prophets), we were all guilty of believing what we wanted to believe.  The now clearly false assumption that various factors through no blame of Fran were causing the embarrassingly bad football was popular opinion.  Excuses for continually pinning the blowout losses on RC Slocum flowed like wine.  Or did they flock like the Salmon of Capastrano?  I can never get that straight…  

It is now 5 years later, and we’re still just not looking good, sooooo maybe we should fired our coordinators?  Would that help?  Sadly enough, we’re at the point where we’ve gone through every possible permutation of what could be causing the fatass appearance of our ass of a football program.    It ain’t the jeans, my Aggie brethren, and the following denim was wrongfully left hung out to dry on the clothesline of misinformation: 

  • Torbush isn’t smart enough to coach in the Big 12. 
  • The athletes we have on the field every Saturday are tremendous slouches. 
  • Stephen Mcgee’s demonstrated preference to tuck and run is what’s causing our offense to look unoriginally high school’ish. 
  • The complete lack of improvement during the past 5 years on the defensive side of the ball is the fault of our coordinators and the fact that we have a white CB (though the latter could possibly lead to some embarrassingly awkward celebration dances). 
  • Kyle Field has experienced a decline in greatness.
  • RC Slocum is sabotaging Aggie football.  That’s right, he’s sabotaging Aggie football.
  • There is a lack of money in-flows to our program which prevents us from being competitive. 
  • “New Army” is not redass enough and “Old Army” lacks the desire to win at the highest levels. 

There are 2 options for how we can view what is causing the perpetual flow of weekly humiliations: a) we can blatantly lie to ourselves; or b) we can admit to ourselves something we don’t want to hear. 

For those of us not wanting to go with choice “a” any longer, it’s time to face the music.  Fran is the cause and effect, the beginning and the end to every puzzling question in regards to the product we’re seeing on the field.  It’s not Mcgee or the defensive play calling.  It’s not a lack of fan support, money or athletic talent.

Fran makes your ass look fat in those jeans.  For the love of God, don’t just buy a new pair, get some friggin’ lypo-suction.


Teams That Help A&M By Losing This Week

(18) S. Florida vs (5) West Virginia

(15) Georgia vs Ole Miss

(16) S. Carolina vs Miss St

(17) Virginia Tech vs N. Carolina

(19) Hawaii at Idaho

(21) Penn St at Illinois

(22) Alabama at Florida St

(23) Arizona St at Stanford

(24) Cinncinatti at San Diego St

(25) Nebraska at Iowa St

(NR) Purdue vs Notre Dame

(NR) Miami vs Duke

(NR) Michigan St at (9) Wisconsin

(NR) UCLA at Oregon St

All The Answers w/KP and HA

What is is going to take for BMA to come around?

KPIf we keep playing like this, nobody is going to be behind Fran. I’d wager that Mike McKenzie is scouring the classifieds for any ads reading “paranoid megalomaniac seeking sniveling sycophant.”

If Mike “Be a Good Ag” McKenzie finds himself out of work, maybe he can write another book about the glory days of OU football.

Should I apologize to Fran for calling him a fatass piece of sh!t?

HA-Yeah, that’s not very gentlemanly. Attack his coaching or his holier-than-thou attitude or the fact that he’s stolen millions of dollars from my school and the fanbase I’m a part of to only set our program back another 3-4 years until we get a coach who doesn’t like to sit around and smell his own shit, but let’s not revert to petty, childish insults.

KP – It’s all about wins and losses. There are some Ags that have put a lot of money and ego into Fran. Sitting here at one (horrible, horrible) loss isn’t enough for them to swallow their pride. The simple fact is that if this team keeps playing like this (it will), then Fran is gone, regardless of what big donors still back him. Take a look at Byrne’s weekly address. The previous two times we have seen that “we evaluate coaches at the end of the year,” Mark Johnson and Melvin Watkins ended up getting profiles on shortly thereafter.

Why not Terry Bowdon?

HA-If Terry Bowden could coach, he would be coaching right now. However, I’m willing to give his niece, Lauren Bowden, a mustache ride as a consolation prize to the Bowden family.

KP – Because scientists have conclusively proven that he’s a gnome.

Why didn’t Jorvorskie touch the ball in the first half? Did he get caught stealing Fran’s cupcakes or something?

KP – I suppose you saw Fran’s explanation of that. Here’s the recap: Miami has two scary DEs. So, we scrapped our power running game and went with the zone read. WTF??? Fran finally gets his wish of an offense that is designed to run power plays down your gullet all day, and he scraps it for a zone read scheme that just isn’t working with our OL. Moreover, how did OU gouge Miami? BY RUNNING THE BALL STRAIGHT DOWN THEIR GODDAMNED MOJITO HOLES. Inexcusable.

Why does the so-called A&M “New Army” constantly feel the need to disrespect and challenge the thoughts and beliefs of A&M’s “Ol’ Army”?

KP – Personally, I disrespect and challenge the thoughts of all Aggies, except for Billy Pickard. Mess with Billy, and you’ll end up dazed and bleeding somewhere in Kyle Field. I detest the rest of you.

HAPickard doesn’t discriminate between “new” or “old”, however he does enjoy eating the brains and imbibing the blood of fresh victims and those are usually found walking the campus of Texas A&M at night. Old Ags don’t go anywhere after 5pm other than Luby’s.

Tommerdahl for head coach – your thoughts?
Dean Mortimer

HA – I’m trying to figure out why members of our writing staff are asking questions.

KP – I got your expense report from South Beach, and I’m afraid we cannot reimburse you for your bulk order of ¡Viva Elian! coffee mugs, regardless of how much they were discounted.

When did the NCAA instate an exhibition season? Why fire coordinators when it’s pretty clear who has always made it a point that he has the last say on play calls?

KP – The whole “exhibition season” thing cracked me up. Look, I’ve known Fran was never going to get it done from the Cotton Bowl debacle on. Since then, I have grown accustomed to laughing at the absurdity that is Franny. What gets me is that after saying something incredibly stupid, the best response McKenzie can cobble together for him is “well, I really didn’t mean it that way.” They pulled the same stunt with the comment about keeping scoring too quickly and letting the defense back on the field.

Again, Fran is not going to save his job by axing coordinators. He got that free pass with Darnell. I have to say that hiring an insurance salesman to run your defense was funnier than hell. I almost wish Fran could stick around so he could replace Les with an out of work porn star or a Carney.


KP – Because we were dumb enough to cream our jeans over stuff like Team Bowling Night in 2003. Our collective goofy asses brought this upon ourselves. If you wore a maroon wristband, you’re to blame.

HA – I remember bringing home the big Fran poster from his first Maroon and White game and hanging it in the gameroom next to the pool table.  Then I stood back and looked at it and thought, “Why in the hell are we hyping the coach so much?  Seems like everything is all about him.”  I left it up, only because my buddies came over after the OU game and drew a pirate mustache on his face, put a cigarette in his mouth, and drew a patch over one eye.  You guys never knew I was buddies with Mike Leach, huh?

If an opposing teams QB had a baby (t-rex) arm, could he still throw for 200 yards against our defense?

KP – One of the few “funny” questions that makes its way in here. Good job, sir.

When I was in high school, there was a basketball referee that had a baby arm. On free throws, he’d bump the ball to you with lil’ stubby. Why did he do that? He did have a regular arm, and I would venture that that arm/hand is his dominant throwing hand. I’m creeping out right now just thinking about it. Of course, I never made any of the free throws after he baby arm tossed the ball to me.

HA – At the local Wal-Mart when I was a kid, there was a stocker who had a babyarm. Looked like a normal guy, running the mini-forklift in the store and all, but when he turned around he had this one little arm. Didn’t stop him, though…he could stock with the best of them.

I was buying a tacklebox one time and they summoned him over to retrieve a Plano tacklebox off the top shelf. He tried to hand it to me with the babyarm…I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did and I felt bad for it afterwards, but can you really fault me for sniffing the handle afterwards in disgust? I’d wonder aloud if any message board members had a babyarm, but I guess it would be evident if your posts looked like: “Fran os a bpg ljoini stpk7m wmth fock me.”

If you could spray paint ugly remarks on Fran’s truck/car (ala Stephen McGee), what would you paint?

HA – Never mess with a man’s ride.

Is there any way you can use this website to come up with $166,667 a month for the next… say… 60 months?

KPPaypal donations, homesnake. Either that, or we could pretend to be hot chicks and sell our pubic hair over the Internet for $25 a baggie. They are a renewable resource, after all. Let no man say that King Puppy is not doing his part to reduce his carbon footprint.

If the first 4 games were exhibition season, can I get a refund for the the full season price I paid on tickets?

KPOnly Dennis Franchione can further devalue tickets to games against Montana State, Fresno State and Louisiana-Monroe. Just shut up and thank your lucky stars that the season ticket price tag doesn’t come with a mandatory $200 charge for admission to Night of Champeens.

Has anyone other than a porn star ever been paid $2 million/year to butt f*** someone?

HAHeath Ledger?

What would you do if you ran out onto the field at an NFL game and you got taken out by the mascot (see Kansas City, yesterday)?

HAI’d flip the mascot over on HER hands and knees (they are all chicks inside those things, right?) and dry-hump HER doggystyle.  That would be hilarious.

Is it possible to actually overhype “The Contract Extension” any further? I think we’ve hit maximum hype potential but I’m just not sure.
Jimmy Crack Corn

HA – This was discussed in length when it happened, and at that time most internet Aggies were convinced that Fran was an Aggie himself since he was a paid employee and therefore dubbed “Saint” in College Station.

The extension/”raise” was a complete public relations propaganda stunt. Remember, Fran just “donated” money to the indoor project, but in actuality he received the money he “donated” back on his contract. He didn’t get a raise at all…they were just paying him back on a devised scheme put in place to trick the Aggie Faithful into thinking he was doing some altruistic favor to us. He got the extension, but from what I remember that was because Byrne was afraid he was going to dump us like he has every other team he’s ever coached. Too bad for us that no one in college football wants him to coach their team anymore. We should be so lucky…

KP – It isn’t being overhyped. Byrne screwed up bigtime with that extension. We fired R.C. for going 6-6, yet gave Fran an extension for going 7-5. Huh?

It’s not going to keep us from getting rid of Fran because we are going to be so horrible that Byrne has no choice but to shitcan the guy. What it does show is that Byrne is capable of caving to pressure and making horrendous decisions.

How is MicMac hiding our displeasure with this team’s underachievement from $Bill?

HA He can’t anymore. Before, the guys who mattered (the ones who don’t send emails thru the websites when they are pissed off ) weren’t calling Byrne.  They call him on his personal cellphone. But after seeing that we are no better now than we were in 2003, the guys who matter can bypass MicMac and go straight to Byrne. He knows what’s up…we lose 4 more games this year and it won’t be a problem anymore. However, we will extend an open invitation for MicMac to join BPHJ on an exclusive tell-all interview.

Is redundantly throwing up in your mouth due to TAMU coaching bad for your teeth?

HA Yeah, that sounds like it’s not good at all. Probably worse on your stomach though. You take this shit too seriously.

so what is the link for this website again?


Doggie Style or Reverse Gowgirl (girl on top facing away)?

HAWell, Doggie gives you the opportunity to reach around to the boob. I’m not 100% sure what “Reverse Gowgirl” is, though. I guess it depends on if you have a mirror in front of her so she can see how much of a pig Daddy’s Little Girl turned out to be.

KPThis doesn’t have anything to do with your question, but I’m listening to I Got A Man by Positive K and I just realized for the first time that some of the lyrics are completely nonsensical:

I’m not a duck baby, so don’t play me like a clown;

Are you a chef? Cause you keep feeding me soup; and lastly

You better catch a flashback. Remember I’m not crabbin’ it.

What does any of that mean?

How much does ego play into frans decisons? (ie Reggie and J-Train?)

HA – Seriously? Everything he does is an end-around back to himself. 100% of his life revolves around himself and a big gawdamn mirror.  That’s a college coach, though…these guys are just like that.

KP – I don’t care that Fran’s an egomaniac. In fact, I sure as hell don’t want a coach on our sidelines that isn’t. Here’s to hoping Fran’s ego gets the better of him for the course of the season. It could lead to some big laughs. One week, Fran is going to have an “I’m Keith Hernandez” moment and realize that when we can him, he’s still set for life. I predict he’s going to huff a bunch of markers before the KU game and circle the track on a Segway screaming “you’re firing ME?!?!? Don’t throw me in the briar patch, Brer’ Byrne.”

Why did Slocum fire Bob Toledo after the Cotton Bowl game against Notre Dame when we had perhaps our best passing game of the season?

HA – Save his own ass. He was good for a coordinator firing every few years to keep himself from getting fired.

KP – Now that the HIRE KRAGTHORPE bandwagon has plowed into a school bus full of Make a Wish kids, is Bob Toledo the next retro hire craze for Aggie fans?

I always felt bad for Toledo after Sloces fired him right after getting a call that his mother had died.

Has Francione proclaimed the bu game also to be part of the exhibition season?

HA – Depends on how well he does in the game. Baylor is pretty awful and I expect McGee and his bunch to be pretty fired up for the game. They better be, though, because they may have to score half-a-hundred to keep up with OSU the next week. If we lose, I’m sure he’ll have some excuse about Guy Morris being on the same level as Barry Switzer and that Baylor is a recruiting juggernaut for all the good 1A and 2A schools in the greater Bell County Area. How much would you give to hear Guy Morris’ press conference if he beats Fran and yells out, “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!”

KP – Last time I checked, Baylor gave out 85 scholarships, just like we do.

Did Fran destroy Aggie football for you too?

HA – He’s definitely taken my excitement for Aggie Football away. I now root for the Aggies like the football team plays which is how Fran talks. I’d really like to have a coach who’s a badass. A guy who is crazy like Leach but aggressive like Saban. Not like Gundy, though. That guy’s a tool.

Were any Aggie Yell members part of the DEA’s 124 person global steroid ring arrest?

HAYou’ll have to speak to our Harvard lawyer about that. He does a lot of pro-bono work.

(1) Who are the best coaches to fill the position soon to be vacated by Fran and why won’t they come to A&M?

(2) Who are the schmucks we’re actually likely to hire?

HAI get the feeling that A&M will go after an up-and-coming coach or a coach that they can get on a bargain like they did with Turgeon. I doubt Jeff Tedford, Rich Rodriguez, or someone like that is targeted. Art Briles name keeps floating up, but I think that’s mainly wishful thinking from the Houston crowd. I’d love it if we go after the best coaches in the biz, but I think that A&M has to repair its rep before we can swing that big of a stick again.

The only name that fills me with violent intentions is Dennis Erickson. I swear…if he’s hired, I’ll burn down the whole fuggin’ campus and lay my Aggie Ring in the smoldering ashes.

Given the jillions of suggestions floating around, what is the most effective way for students/alumni/fans to facilitate a coaching change? Can it be done without “abandoning” the team itself?

HA – Nothing. Don’t rip up your tickets, don’t stop giving to the 12th Man Foundation, don’t stop going to the games. If Fran is the wrong guy for this team and 2006 was his peak-out year, he’ll show it and be replaced regardless of the regular fans, internet message boards, or most excellent Aggie blogs dedicated to the meanest muthah fuckah ever LIVE. If he can’t win, it won’t have anything to do with what you do or why unless your name is Bill Byrne.

KP – Fran’s going to get himself fired. Don’t go all J.V. and wear black or anything similarly stupid. Get your ass to the game and yell for these kids. After all of these years of people buying the “they’re just not talented enough” line of BS, the players deserve our support.

Why do we recruit these superb HS QBs only to treat them like blunt objects and pinatas?

HAYou know, I’m beginning to think that’s all Fran knows how to do on offense. I really feel bad for McGee because he’s got the heart of a lion and I’d choose him as a tagteam partner for any fight I had going. He’s tough, he’s a good leader, and he’s smart. I think his problem is that he isn’t confident in his team and feels that he has to do everything himself so he shoulders the weight of carrying the team.

Too bad he’s not a cornerback, huh?

KPWhy are we surprised? This is the same guy that chooses a Tyler Watts over Brodie Croyle. That’s what he wants in a QB.

If Fran was a fruit would he be a lemon or a rotten tomato?

HAHe’d be a Lemon Party.

What happened to Fran and our team between 2004 and 2005?

In 2004, we had a very nice run after the Utah game up until the Baylor game. This included games against decent ISU and OSU in which we looked like a damn good football team. The offense was mixed and unpredictable. The defense was stout. Baylor (I thought) was an aberration. We beat a down Tech team. We played very well against OU. The defense looked sharp against Texas.

And there was the Tennessee fiasco.

2005 was even worse than the Cotton Bowl. The spread offense was abandoned for a fucking veer option attack. Reggie was essentially wasted. The flashes of offense genious we saw against Clemson, ISU, OSU, Tech, and OU in 2004 were gone. Instead we saw “Grant Teaff meets the Shotgun”.

And on defense, we went from slightly above average to downright shitty.

HAActually, the question should be “What happened to Fran between the time he was hired and now?” The answer is: people figured out that his entire scene is purely PR. I think we were sold a bill of goods that were tremendously inflated. I was excited as hell when we hired him, but I think he’s Texas A&M Football’s biggest mistake ever.

KPWhat Fran did with Reggie should be criminal.

What are you guys shooting for, honest questions or funny ones?

HA – Honest ones work best for us, but we’ll take a few humorously worded funny ones, too. We actually have some scoop between the group…like for instance that money is not an issue with the coaching search at this point. If Fran stays, it’s because Byrne thinks he can pull this thing out.

KP – I really enjoy the questions where people ask me about fleas or other dog-related stuff. It never gets stale. NEVER.

HA – So far, we’ve kept the questions exclusively from, but may open it up to questions from visitors to the site if Perroni doesn’t stop editing my posts.  Friggin modzi.

Is it better to sit in the ZONE CLUB where you can drink Fran out of your mind or sit on the 1st row behind him where you can get it off your chest the old fashioned way?

HA – I’ve never sat on the 1st row at Kyle Field, but I’d guess it would be hard to see anything that low.  I always thought that the athletic department should start giving out the leftover tickets to locals in Bryan/College Station so it would at least LOOK like the stadium is sold out.  Plus, it’s kinda like cocaine…you give the kids on the playground a little bit and they come running back for more.  Give away tickets…that’s what the community needs.  Give ’em to church groups or whatever if you have any left over.  Give them the shitty seats.

KP – The Zone Club can be dangerous territory during these dark times. I go to as many games as I can so I won’t be tempted to drink it all away

So, that’s all, folks. Don’t forget to check out the site during the week. As we are rounding out the writing staff, we should have updated posts regularly. Feel free to leave comments/questions in the Comments section. Don’t expect a response, though. We are way too important for that.Keep yourself clean and wholesome. We’ll see you next time.


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