HA: Ok. I’ve got my A&M shirt on. Got my tobacco for chewin’. Got my Big Red for drinkin’. Let’s get going. I tried to watch the LSU/Tulane game, but I can’t stand to listen to a woman call a football game. Women are for fuggin.
KP – 11:30 a.m. – Versus preempts our regularly scheduled bull riding and lumberjack competition for Texas A&M v. Baylor.
KP – 11:33 a.m. – Big Red? What the hell?
HA – White trashin’ it today. I’m in Princeton, Texas, in case anyone wants a stop by for a pinch between your lip and gum. Battle of the Brah-Zohss according to the announcer. Was that Sloces on the field?
KP – 11:37 a.m. – Just cracked the first of undoubtedly many Abita Ambers. Fran on “the hot seat” talk. No joke.
HA – 11:40am – Where are the black/green shirts?
KP – 11:40 a.m. – Goodson hurt and Keondra Smith starting. Excellent. I guess those rumors about Mike were true.
HA – 11:43am – You didn’t get your newsletter about Goodson? Must not be a “valuable donor”. Wait…Baylor runs a 4-2-5, too? No wonder they suck.
KP – 11:44 a.m. – Any newsletter I would receive from McKenzie would consist of two words, the second being “you.”
HA – 11:51am – Randy Bullock get an offer yet?
KP – 11:51 a.m. – I’m impressed that Versus was able to get the Hubble telescope to film this game.
HA – 11:55am – Just got a VIP Connection update. Apparently we are killing Baylor, but they have a very good team.
KP – 11:55 – That’s it. McGee is playing the rest of the year with one shoe.
KP – 11:56 a.m. – An injured Goodson springs our biggest play of the day so far. WTF? If he can play, he should be out there, swinging for HRs. This is just a tad odd.
HA – 11:59am – Great. We lead the game 3-0 and Pinball McGee is warming up his backup shoe.
KP – 12:04 – Three to nil with 4 minutes left in the first. THE GATES ARE SO LOCKED, YOU CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND IT, “GAY” MORRIS!!!!
KP – 12:12 – Kelly Stouffer describing the Big XII’s passing numbers as “off the hook.” Nails on chalkboard.
HA – 12:15pm – I asked John William (age 6 months) what he thinks about McGee. He pointed to his bottle…what does that mean?
KP – 12:14 – When grilled on the passing game, McGee will rip a reporter’s arm off and bludgeon him to death. “We won today, you heartless bastards!!!”
KP – 12:19 – “She’s seductive. She’ll love you…..TO DEATH!!!!” You know a station’s hit the bigtime when they continuously run ads for direct-to-DVD flicks.
HA – 12:24 – OH! So THIS is why we run so much! Now I get it.
KP – 12:25 – For all the crap McGee gets, he runs the option very, very well. I really feel for the kid. He’s bought into everything Fran’s said, and he has a set of stones on him like a Brahma. He’s one semi-critical question from a reporter from absolutely fucking snapping.
HA – 12:26 – McGee plays best when he’s bleeding.
DM – 12:30 – There is so much fight in this team!
KP – 12:31 – Sweet. DM figgered out the Internet.
HA – 12:33 – _arnell’s halftime adjustment will be to give the safeties binoculars so they can see the fucking line of scrimmage.
DM – Our 37 year old cannibal just crushed a receiver!
KP – 12:36- Two positives: 1) The “scoring too quickly” problem has been eliminated; and 2) our offense has mastered the bend, don’t break mantra.
DM – 12:37 – My Kyle field contact said RC got big applause in the pre-game intro. THAT IS AWESOME!
DM – 12:38 – We have the oldest pair of starting LB’s in the nation, per a Versus graphic!! Awesome, Ol’ Ags deserve our respect.
HA – 12: 37 – After the game, Fran and Morris will share a laugh over a drink while they decide which play is the worst: Baylor’s fake punt or running the screen to the short side of the field inside the 20.
DM – 12:41 – Pierre Brown IS slow! Thank you VIP Connection!
KP – 12:43 – McGee pooch punting is Tommerdahwsome.
HA – 12:44 – Dean, can you run over to the Bright Complex at halftime and explain the pooch punt to Fran? And then stab him in the heart?
DM – 12:48 – Jordan Peterson is EXPLOSIVE.
DM – 12:50 – Baylor defenders bouncing off a 190 pound RB, Fran will out-talent this team.
KP – 12:53 – One handed catch, breaking 4 tackles and outrunning 3 defenders. Sure, it’s Baylor, but impressive nonetheless. I want Fran to just stay the hell away from him.
KP – 12:58 – Yell Practice: Smooth as a cool, refreshing Keystone Light.
DM – 1:00 – The Riverboat Gambler is maximizing this 1:30 to end the half!
DM – 1:00 – We just stopped the clock AND didn’t throw past the sticks! That’s rare ability.
KP – 1:02 – Dean, these aren’t risks. They’re calculated.
DM – 1:04 – 271-72 yardage advantage. 14-2 first down advantage. 7 point lead at half. WTF? *F in WTF now official stand for Fran*
HA – 1: 20 – Halftime random thought: Does Fran give halftime speeches? Or does he just whisper to MicMac to “translate” for him. It comes out as, “We are winning the national championship this year. Pierre, you are very slow.”
KP – 1:26 – Alright, second half. I seriously doubt Michael Vick has ever witnessed anything as ugly as these two dogs going at it.
DM – 1:29 – Lane has good hands. I hear he practices by having butter basted Honeybaked Hams shot at him at 60 MPH. He never misses one.
HA – 1:35 – I think we need to teach Brown what that red thing is at the 1st down line.
KP – 1:36 – Nice play by Kerry Franks. If only he were more consistent. That’ll be $1,200, thank you.
DM – 1:39 – How has Baylor ever completed a pass? They try to catch balls with their elbows. Carpenter eats picks.
HA – 1:42 – I’ve been thinking, guys. We’ve been too hard on Fran. Based on the past 3 minutes, I think he deserves another year to get his players in here and turn this thing around.
KP – 1:44 – Agreed. 6 year plan and all. I’d like to know what Goodson’s “injury” is. I’ve heard rumblings about some fights during halftime of the Miami game in the locker room. Anyone else know why Goodson is in the doghouse?
DM – 1:49 – He fumbled at the end of the first half vs. Miami. That’s what gets your best player splitting time. Remember, down only 14-0 “we’ve been there before and know what to do”. Fran blames the players and execution, not game plan.
HA – 1:53 – Let’s just say his nickname is “Deep Throat” in the locker room, and it’s not because of his tremendous BJ ability. MicMac has his number.
KP – 1:54 – My goal for today was to drink enough to get to the point where I am openly questioning why our placekicker is playing QB for Baylor (very poorly I might add). My goal is well within reach.
DM – 1:59 – Miami just held off Duke at the Miami 30, and Miami is still up 17-14 in Coral Gables. Miami IS back.
HA – 2:01 – Anyone else hoping for Mr. Bennett to jump up and yell, “Muthah fuckah!” when Martellus just missed the catch? That would be awesome.
KP – 2:06 – Martellus and Fran really need to get a Vaudeville-style show going. “Hey Fran, what do you get when you put a duck in the oven?” “I don’t know Martellus, what do you get?” “A box of QUACKERS of course.” (cue wacky ragtime music). It would go seamlessly with Fran’s 1920’s styled offense.
DM – 2:12 – Are Reggie or Jason Carter in the stadium? Can they talk Fran into going for it on 4th down? AWW FUCK BIG PASS BY BU
HA – 2:14 – Quick in game update…Fran just walked to midfield and pointed to the scoreboard and did the hipthrust to the Baylor sidelines. “Still winnin’ by 10, bitches.”
KP – 2:20 – This game is going to come down to which Szymanski plays least shittiest. In an unrelated note, Chris Alexander is apparently wearing Adebisi’s hat from Oz.
DM – 2:23 – Just when I was getting down on the team, JUST when I foresaw Baylor storming back, JUST as I was losing hope – some SAINT of a fan airhorns Hullabaloo for the 94th time this game and my Ag spirit is restored! Let’s get nasty Fran!
HA – 2:26 – Does Jordan Peterson run with his hands out like he’s trying to keep water from splashing up in his face? “Eeeee…it’s cold!” My brother just commented that our PR must be high-yella. Also, Jennifer Beals just filed suit against Franks for stealing her Flashdance move on the kick return.
KP – 2:31 – Do you think Toombs was mortified or elated that Versus listed him as A&M’s all time heaviest running back? I”m guessing the latter.
DM – 2:33 – I wonder who wins the “Heaviest Combined Weight of Offspring” category?
HA – 2:34 – McGee’s trademarked Heaven Point isn’t as long as it was for Fresno St.
KP – 2:42 – Fran has tested many Aggies’ belief in God. Sorry for the delay. Wifi access is spotty up here in Perry’s box.
DM – 2:44- Anita? AND WHERE THE FUCK IS JOHNSON
HA – 2:45 – Red Cashion just called me to ask if he could get a VIP sub to BPHJ. He said our site was “FIRST RAAAAATE.”
KP – 2:49 – Notice how Fran replaced almost the entire OL when putting Jerrod Johnson in? Very crafty move. There’s no QB controversy if the backup QB ambulates by blowing in a tube.
DM – 2:51 – Fran also had the 12th Man lead blocking on the touchdown. How can we be so un-loyal to a coach who buys into our traditions? In all seriousness, A&M has dominated this game statistically and that surprises me. THE LIGHT BULB HAS COME ON.
HA – 2:54 – This is sorta what I thought we were going to do to everyone we’ve played so far. It’s too bad Powerhouse Montana State isn’t as bad as Baylor.
KP – 2:57 – As uninspired as we’ve played, Baylor has just been downright dreadful. This is what a bad game against Baylor is supposed to look like. Someone should take all of Baylor’s offensive plays together, hit fast forward and set it to the Benny Hill theme.
HA – 3:05 – I hope Fran gets skewered in his press conference. Ok, I’m heading out for more beer…enjoy your afternoon, ladies.
KP – 3:07 – Good dirty shirt blogging today, everyone.