What I Want in a Coach

I’m a man of distinguished tastes.I, like many of you, am too important for simple Folger’s coffee and Franzia wine.   I like my coffee beans ground to a fine powder and pressed into a puck for the perfect espresso , and I like my grapes from California, preferably cabernet, stomped and aged in oak barrels.

I also like Shiner Bock.  And I think Dennis Franchione is kinda dumb for letting a trickster get him into to trouble.  But let’s not get sidetracked.

I’m not saying that I know for sure that Fran will be replaced after the 2007 season, but let’s just say he is.Let’s just assume that he loses some sort of combination of the games against Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Mizzou, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma State, or the very excellent texas university, whose quarterback is ½ vagina, ½ injury-faker, and ½ overrated. I know that adds up to three halves, but I gave him an extra half for his extra chromosome. I give credit where credit is due.

A man of my sophisticated tastes has a very high standard for the Aggies Head Coach. There are a few things that I prefer our coach not to have, such as herpes or a lack of a top lip. More importantly, though, there are a few things I DEMAND from the next coach at Texas A&M. A-like so…

First of all, he has to have a strong personality.  Not some nasally whinebag. I want someone who commands respect, and not by charging $100/mo for it. I want a coach to controls the room…a guy who everyone knows is in the room when he walks in. I want him to be able to go to a recruit’s house and let him know that not only do we want him to be at our school, we think that he’s an idiot for not going to our school. This is where Mack Brown and Stoops have been so effective.  All that talk about “being a good man” is bullshit. These guys roll into these 17-year old kids’ houses with their moneysign-eyed parents on hand and tell them that their school is the best and the others (such as A&M) are for pansies. This plays against some coaches because when they show up to recruit, the recruit sees that they really are pansies. I want to see a hipthrust. Let’s do the TimeWarp in Memorial Stadium, hoss.

Secondly, I want a coach who understands football and how to win. For instance, so far our coach this year has called the poochpunt twice on 4th and 4 or 5 or so and inside the 40. Both times, everyone in the whole gawdamn stadium knew it was going to be a poochpunt, which negates the surprise of the pooch. Hell, one time the defense dropped a returner back into coverage. Also, I want a coach that realizes that you have to be able to throw downfield to the middle of the field to open up the running game. Conversely, when your running game gets going and the defense puts 8 men in the box, the middle of the field is going to be open. I’m getting into a chicken and egg thing here…

Lastly, I want a coach that I love in a deep, sincere, creepy sort of way. In a “you are such a good coach, you can have a poke at my wife, mother, and/or sister” sort of way. I want to be able to get into arguments with my friends who went to other schools and say, “Oh, yeah? Well, my coach could beat your coach’s ASS” and mean it. I want to be able to say that we kicked the other team’s ass up and down the field, regardless if we win the game or not. I want to see championship trophies lined up in a row, and then I want the coach to tell me that they aren’t nearly as important as the NEXT trophy.

I want all these things, but not because I’m just that important and distinguished. I deserve it, by god, and so do my fellow Aggies. Forgive us for expecting so much out of something we give so much of our time, money, and passion to.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a bottle of tawny port calling me from the cellar.

HA

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