Breaking Up is Hard To Do

From: Higher Authority [hauthority@bphj.ags]
Sent: Friday, September 14, 2007 12:40pm
To: Francis [makebelieve_girlfriend@gowithmeonthis.com]
Subject: About us

Hey, Baby:

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship, and think I need to start making some strong decisions.  Girl, you know this isn’t easy on me, but I’ve been really wondering about you lately.  When we first got together, I thought you were the greatest…everything was exciting, we had so much to look forward to, I liked your family.  Sure, we had some rocky moments that first year.  Rocky moments that most relationships probably wouldn’t be able to withstand, and FRANkly most probably shouldn’t withstand.  But we stuck it out.  That next year was really fun, although I admit that the way you acted at the New Year’s Party in 2005 really made me start thinking that we might not be good together.

It’s bad enough that I have to put up with you constantly berating me and making me feel like I’m less important than others, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m pretty sure all you care about is yourself and your goofy friend, Maxine.  Seems like she’s always with you everywhere you go telling you what to say and do, and FRANkly I’m sick of it.  I didn’t get into this relationship so Maxine could be in charge of you and me.  Hell, I don’t even think she’s ever even BEEN in a relationship before.  You two embarrassed me so much this summer when you got into a fight with those two chicks at that restaurant and you started making fun of them.  Do you realize that those two chicks could kick both of your asses?  You just sat there ridiculing them in front of everyone…they weren’t happy.  I hope they don’t track you down, because if they do they won’t take it easy on you.

Just wanted to let you know how I was feeling right now.  I know you have a big trip to Miami planned this next week and it’s not fair for me to blindside you with this before you go, but I wanted you to know how I feel.  I’m not happy; maybe we should talk about this when you get back?

 Have a good time if I don’t see you before you leave…

HA

From: Higher Authority [hauthority@bphj.ags]
Sent: Friday, September 21, 2007 8:12 AM
To: Francis [makebelieve_girlfriend@gowithmeonthis.com]
Subject: You F&*#ing whore!

What the hell?  I woke up this morning to find that you’ve called me 20 times last night from a BAR in MIAMI drunk, leaving messages where you are making out with all kinds of other dudes!  Who do you think you are, Francis?  To top it off, you sent a video from your phone and forwarded it to ALL OF MY FRIENDS where you are getting completely reamed by some thug!  I’m the laughing stock of the office now!

I’m so done with you…I’d ask for my shirt back, but I’m pretty sure you’ve stretched it out with your ever-expanding waistline.  Besides, I think the new clothes you picked out for me this summer look like SHIT!  Who puts gray around white with dark maroon?!?

How did I ever let myself think that you had changed?  You are the fakest bitch I’ve ever known.  And don’t think that crying is going to help you any at all this time.

HA

From: Higher Authority [hauthority@bphj.ags]
Sent: Friday, September 28, 2007 10:52 AM
To: Francis [makebelieve_girlfriend@gowithmeonthis.com]
Subject: Your emails made it to me…

Ok, I know you can’t be this stupid, but one of your friends just forwarded me a bunch of emails you’ve been writing behind my back this whole time we were together.  Are you a fucking idiot?  Don’t you realize how much trust I put in you, only to be backstabbed like this? 

You’ve been ripping my family, my friends, and making up crazy shit in these emails that only a drooling idiot would believe.  And don’t even act like Maxine put you up to it…you knew what you were doing.  I’m so embarrassed and disgusted with you. 

HA

From: Higher Authority [hauthority@bphj.ags]
Sent: Sunday, September 30, 2007 7:12 AM
To: Francis [makebelieve_girlfriend@gowithmeonthis.com]
Subject: About Us again

I appreciate the card you left at my house last night.  I admit, it was pretty sweet.  I’ll bet I spent over 40 minutes with the card, reading it over and over again trying to figure out if we should be together.  I just think it’s best if we go our separate ways.  I know…we share a bank account and my name is on your lease since your credit is so bad and you couldn’t get a place without my help.  We can work all that out as we go, but I want you to know that I expect you to work with me on this thing.  After your little stunt in Miami (which, by the way, my mom found out about), and then the emails that you’ve been sending around got out, I just don’t see how we can ever expect a long-term relationship to work.  Maybe we’re just toxic together…maybe it was a bad time for us to get together, I don’t know. 

I’d like to be friends, but I don’t think you are the person I met 5 years ago this fall.

HA

From: Higher Authority [hauthority@bphj.ags]
Sent: Saturday, October 6, 2007 11:40 PM
To: Francis [makebelieve_girlfriend@gowithmeonthis.com]
Subject: You just left and I need to say…

Wow…that was an interesting night.  I want to say that I really don’t appreciate how you confronted me tonight at first and goaded me into a fight.  You made me say really bad things about you, and I promised that I’d try not to do that.  It’s just that you really push me to the edge sometimes.  Earlier this week when you put my friends up to calling me on three-way and apologizing to me when I didn’t realize you were going to be on the phone was really immature, but I guess Esteban has been a good friend to both of us.   

The make-up sex after the fight tonight was great…you know that when it all comes together, you and I really click and we are very passionate.  You do that thing with the back of your throat that makes me go crazy.  But, Francis, you have to know that tonight didn’t mean anything to me outside of a physical thing.  I know the last half of the night was really good, but now that I’m sitting her alone in my bed I’m thinking about all the bad stuff and I just can’t let it go.  You’ve betrayed me too many times, and although this was good tonight, those bad parts just make it too hard for me to stay with you.

I put together a mix tape for you with some songs that really fit our situation, like “I Wish You Could’ve Turned My Head” and “How Do You Tell Someone You Don’t Love Them?”  I can drop it off next week when I bring your things to you.

I still want to be friends and I know we have that trip planned for the day after Thanksgiving together that I still want to go on, but I think it’s probably best if we don’t see each other anymore after that.  Don’t take this hard, girl…I don’t want you to go away mad…

 HA

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4 comments on “Breaking Up is Hard To Do

  1. So why did y’all change the title of the site?

    My guess is that Billy Pickard had a slight objection to the use of his name.

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