In honor of Byrne’s press conference today and all it portends, a twist (very twisted, actually) of an old classic:
It was Judgment Day in Aggieland
And tenseness filled the air;
All knew there was a lynching at hand,
But not a soul was of good cheer.
Assembled in the press pit
Was that oft-confusing Dave South man,
The entire fighting Aggie P.R. team
And the now famous Zwenerman.
And out in front with Charley North
The reviewing party stood;
Dolla Bill and his ace accounting staff
Were choosing bad from good.
First he surveyed the Aggie team
And in terms of a banker swore,
"By Jove, I do believe for $1,200
You can get yourself a snowy-headed whore.
I've seen Fran and McKenzie, his very best friend,
And they've always been full of shit;
I've seen 'em suck and I've seen 'em blow
But I've never seen 'em spit.
No need for us to tarry here
Deciding upon their fates;
Tis plain as the kolaches in my gut
The NCAA must investigate."
And when the Twelfth Man heard this,
They let out a mighty yell
That echoed clear to Snook
And told Franny to go to Hell.
"And what young man is this upon the side,"
Bill Byrne asked his aide,
"That swelled as if to burst with pride
When we our judgment made?"
"Why, sir, that's Pierre Brown
Who's known both far and wide
For receiving play that’s “steady,”
but possessing a plodding stride."
"Well, then," said Byrne,
"It's very plain to me
That no longer within the realms of special teams
Will Pierre receive all of his PT.
And have the Texas Aggie Band
At once play with joy
For today I have decided
To not replace them with Soulja Boy."
And the drum major so hearing
Slowly raised his hand
And said, "Boys, let's play ‘Move Bitch (Get Out the Way)’
For The Canning of the Fran."
And the band poured forth the anthem,
In notes both bright and clear
And 200,000 Aggie voices
Sang the song they hold so dear.
And when the band had finished,
Byrne slapped his thighs
And said, "It's not so hard to see
Those are some pretty chunky guys."
And a retreating Mike McKenzie said
With his stiffy in his hand,
"It's the Last Golden Corral Trip, boys,
I'll march in behind the Fran."