Be Careful What You Ask For

I’m doing you a favor
As I’m taking all your money
I guess I should feel sorry
But I don’t even trust me
There’s bad news creeping up
And you feel a sudden chill
How do you do? My name is “Trouble”
I’m coming in for the kill…

A little research into the turmoil that takes place in a program when you lose a coach with legendary status (Jackie/RC – not Fran) will show us that most programs make a series of mistakes before they get it right. The good news: we are already one down.

When tu made the move to hire Mack Brown from North Carolina he had just come off a 10-1 season and they were about to compete in the Gator Bowl for the second year in a row – heady stuff for North Carolina. The game was ultimately coached and won by our own Aggie favorite: Carl Torbush. On December 2, 1997 Brown was flown, on Tom Hicks’ private jet, to the Four Seasons Hotel in Atlanta to meet with Dodds, Coach Royal, Hicks and several former players. If they only would have chosen Gary Barnett.

They chose wisely.

Mack made significant strides that first recruiting season, stealing several Aggie leans, and the following season could easily be seen as the last hurrah for the Aggies. Mack Brown never failed to win less than nine games per season and spent the following six years competing in the Cotton or Holiday bowls. Then came Vince and the Rose bowls.

Vince is gone and a 4-2 record, multiple off field personnel problems, and last years Alamo bowl might just provide the Aggies the opening that they gave “Coach February” in the late 90’s. But, are we positioned for a turn around like tu was in 1997, or are we getting ready for 5 more years of purgatory?
Coach Darrell Royal retired in 1976 after winning three National Championships and Mack’s first season was 1998. The Rose bowl was six years later. That’s a long time to wait.

Fred Akers was 86-31-2. But he lost to A&M 3 years in a row and his last season was 5-6. Next up: 15 years of mediocrity. Rash decisions have a way of leading poor decisions. Enter David McWilliams, 31-26. Despite the Shock the Nation Tour and a SWC Championship his team was humiliated by Miami 46-3 in the Cotton Bow. It happens. The next year he went 5-6 and McWilliams, a Longhorn favorite son, resigned and took the dreaded position in the athletic department… where old coaches go to die.

The King is dead. Long live the King… err, Mack II. Aficionado of fine wine and supporter of the best clothier in Austin. But also tagged with Rout 66, a Bluebonnet Bowl, and a concussion that won him little sympathy from a fan base that never really accepted him despite his recruitment of Ricky Williams. 41-28-2.

So keep your eyes on Nebraska and we may learn a valuable lesson. Do you go for the “up and comer”, the home grown hero, or the impressive resume? So, as we review our options for a new coach, and hopefully a new Era… choose wisely.


Are These Coaches Worth a Damn?

Tommy Tuberville- HC, Auburn Tigers
9th season
Age – 53
Overall HC record: 101-51
Tuberville was a Free Safety for Southern Arkansas University from 1972-1976. He was an asst coach at Arkansas St, Miami (FL), and Texas A&M (1994) before taking the Head Coach position at Ole Miss while they were under severe NCAA violations. The AP named him the SEC Coach of the Year in 1997 and took the HC position at Auburn in 1998. While at Auburn, he’s turned the Tigers into perennial contenders, winning multiple conference championships, a perfect 13-0 season, and winning the AP Coach of the Year award in 1994. Tuberville is a defensive-minded coach and would certainly bring recruiting prowess as well as the Wrecking Crew defense back to Aggieland.

ALLike someone spit polished RC. He’ll be like a big bowl of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, with your Sirius radio on the All Whitney Houston All The Time station. Savor it! Actually, here is what scares me about TT: I’m more excited about the thought of him bringing his DC Will Muschamp than I am about getting him. This is the EXACT same situation as when we got Fran. I didn’t really care for Fran or his record, but thought he was kind of a crafty college OC and he would let Torbush just unleash the Wrecking Crew. It’s all just a little bit of history repeating. One note on this though: If he can guarantee to bring Muschamp at DC and the OC from TENN (was the HC at Ole Miss with Eli, and OC at Tenn with Peyton) I am 1000000% behind the hire. I guarantee Mack Brown and Bob Stoops would both behind the scenes admit that, “A little bit of pee came out.”

KPHe’s probably already had a yard sale for all his Auburn clothes and Mapquested the distance from Auburn to Miramont. Clearly the overall leader.

HAAs far as horseface coaches go, RC and Tubs are 1a and 1b. He’s the only coach to be able to bind the old Ags and New Army immediately since he can win plus he’s got the Slocum connection. Unfortunately, I can’t think of any good reasons for him to leave Auburn and come to Texas A&M outside of a $500k/year raise.

CamPros: Great coach with proven background. Cons: Nickname: Radar If you make disparaging remarks about him from the third deck of Kyle Field, he’s going to hear it.

Rich Lateral move.

DMTub Boy is the internet rage

Jeff Tedford- HC, University of California Golden Bears
6th season
Age – 46
Overall HC record: 48-21
Tedford is a California coach…both in title and in description. He was born in Cali, played football at Ceritos College and then later Fresno State. He played six years in the Canadian Football League before returning to Fresno State as the quarterback coach and then later to Oregon as the offensive coordinator. His first year in California was 2002 where he immediately turned the Bears into winners. Tedford is an offensive guru, known for producing NFL quarterbacks. It would be difficult to get Tedford out of the Golden State. He is 5-0 against rival Stanford.

Rich Yeah, I’d leave Cali for College Station. Ooops. What’s that? A $2.5 million retention bonus?

ALPRO: Destroyed our team in a bowl. Has shown well in big games. LEGITIMATE re-building of a terrible program that’s in a top conference with fertile recruiting. Great offenses, great production out of the QB, NFL likes his guys. Has put out solid defenses. CONS: Was a whiny titty baby when Mack Brown backdoored them for the Rose Bowl, subsequently got WORKED by Mike Leach in a bowl. This is worrisome.

Cam Pros: Has done a great job turning 1-10 Cal into a powerhouse. Cons: Has reportedly grown fond of the fans cheering in Chinese.

DMBerkely to BCS is a natural move

KPIt’s always a red flag when your biggest bowl win is against a Dennis Franchione-coached squad.

HAHas a hot wife, which is at the top of my coach requirements. You have any idea how hard it is to get someone who is from the Bay Area to move away from the Bay Area?

Bo Pelini – DC, LSU Tigers
3rd season
Age – 39
Pelini played for Ohio State as a Free Safety and was a defensive coach for the San Francisco 49ers, Green Bay Packers, and the New England Patriots before stepping into college football with the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Oklahoma Sooners where he was defensive coordinator/co-defensive coordinator respectively. He is a very well-respected defensive mind and has built the LSU defense to be one of the best in the country, although the squad was pretty good when he took over. He’s a badass recruiter and would bring tons of energy to Texas A&M as a first year coach. His only stint as a Head Coach, however, was as interim coach of Nebraska in the 2003 Alamo Bowl victory over Michigan State. If Les Miles takes the Michigan position, expect Pelini to move into the HC position for the Tigers.

DMPelinis are delicious 

CamPros: Great defensive coach that should appeal to Aggies longing for the return of the Wrecking Crew. Cons: Photographs like a bewildered chimpanzee.

ALBib Factor. As in, this guy seems like a near retard who would drool on himself. He makes Les Miles seem sharp. I’m fine with that for a DC, but not the face of our university. Look, I know most coaches are pretty stupid, it’s one of the reasons they go into coaching and not some other career path. But remember, most coaches who didn’t play major college football may hope and dream of big time college or pro coaching, but the reality is the vast majority know they will likely be high school coaches for life. The ones who make it out of there may be excellent coaches, but quite a few are just lucky. Pelini guy spent like 1 year in HS ball, then talked his way into a low level NFL internship, and basically rode some coat tails (or was a quick study). I don’t think we can take a chance on the former. He has had great defenses though on teams with great talent. He certainly hasn’t dropped the ball when given opportunities.

KP“Pelini” is Italian for “Chizik.”

RichNebraska has first choice.

HAAlways a bad sign when people from southern Louisiana think you are kinda nutty.

Charlie Strong – Co-DC, University of Florida Gators
5th season
Age – 47
Strong played at the University of Central Arkansas and went on to earn two Masters degrees at Florida as a GA. He spent the 1985 season on Jackie Sherrill’s Texas A&M staff. He became the first African-American coordinator of the SEC when he joined the University of South Carolina as Defensive Coorinator. He became the Defensive Coordinator for Florida in 2003 and served as interim coach for the 2004 Peach Bowl when Ron Zook left the program, losing his only game as Head Coach to the Miami Hurricanes. He’s known for his smothering defenses and is very well liked by recruits, players, and coaches.

AL – The next Bob Stoops, or the next Mike Stoops? I’ve been saying since 2001 when I was pushing for Ty Willingham that a young black coach would KILL at recruiting in Texas. Just KILL it. Especially one as personable as Strong. As long as we give him the funds to hire good coordinators I would have NO problem with this hire. I think Ags would really get behind this guy. Even the closet subconscious racists. Which IMO is probably a solid 50% of former students. And 75% of the authors on Hellspawned Javelinas.

KP – He’s young…..He’s Strong….He’s down to get inner city recruiting on

HA – I favor people whose last names contain the word “strong”. It’s a sign of integrity and virility.

DM – Hire for name if nothing else

Rich For all of you “up and comers” he has his one year at A&M.

CamPros: Great personality that should help with recruiting. Was DC for Florida Gators MNC. Cons: Has a lifetime winning percentage of zero as a head coach.

Art Briles – HC, Cougar High
5th season
Age – 51
Overall HC Record: 26-24
Briles’ name is thrown around quite often by Houston Aggies for some odd reason. He’s amassed a mediocre record at Houston playing against mid-tier schools with mid-tier talent. He confusingly attended Texas Tech for a year before transferring to Houston in 1974 and played WR. However, he returned back to Lubbock to graduate in 1979. After bouncing around high schools in Texas as Head Coach, he landed in Stephenville in 1989 where he later coached former Aggie quarterback Branndon Stewart, who confusingly has three N’s in his name. He seems to be a fired up guy, but would be an underwhelming choice for an Aggie Nation clamoring for a big name.

DM – Not my kind of Cougar but I’m still attracted

AL – I’d rather stick it out with Fran. I’m almost serious. The fact that the “Houston Money” is promoting this guy just goes to show that the rich aren’t necessarily smart. Christ, just thinking about this pisses me off. Do you know what a joke of a hire this would be? AG LUV GETTING ANGRY!!!!

Rich – Can anything good come out of Houston?

KP – If the NCAA switches to a 7-on-7 format, we’d be sitting pretty.

Cam – Pros: Knows Texas, gets a lot out of a little. Cons: We’ve tried the gimmicky high school offense and it didn’t work.

HA – The only way he gets the job is if Byrne gets tired of his sob-filled calls. “Oh, plee-hee-hee-heez…I wanna be a co-ho-ho-hoach so baaaaad. I’LL SUCK YO’….”  Also, he looks like a child molester.  Seriously…picture a swirl where his face is and tell me he doesn’t look like he’s got a ticket to Thailand burning a hole in his pocket.

Rich Rodriguez – HC, West Virginia Moutaineers
7th season
Age – 44
Overall HC Record: 54-25 (I didn’t count his time at junior colleges)
Rodriguez is known as an offensive guru, developing the “spread option offense” while at Glenville State. He was on Tommy Bowden’s Tulane staff until Bowden took the Clemson job. Rodriguez followed Bowden to Clemson and remained there until he took the position at his Alma Mater, West Virginia. As recently as last year, Rodriguez was reportedly unhappy with WVU and was rumored to take the vacant Alabama position, however he removed himself from consideration. He is also known as a quarterback groomer and talented quarterbacks such as A&M commit Tommy Dorman would thrive under his tutelage.

AL – This pseudo-chulo is at his Alma Matter. Can you believe that there were Rodriguezes in West Virginia like 25 years ago? That really surprises me. You know, he really doesn’t do that much for me. Seems like it’s more players than the system, and he can never get his defense to be any good. He has the support to go make a good DC hire and there isn’t improvement. Plus they continue to use the gimmick 3-3 stack. Eh.

KP – Franito.

HA – San Antonio Ags would be happy. But do they really count anyway?

Cam – Pros: Has done a fantastic job building WV into a national power. Cons: Will insist on instilling “The Fightin’ Texas Aggie Banjo Brigade”.

Rich – He could make the option to the short side work. But already makes two bills.

DM – He taught Fran, good enough for me

Jim Leavitt – HC, University of South Florida Bulls
10th season
Age – 50
Overall HC Record: 70-43 (All with USF)
Born in Harlingen, Texas, Leavitt grew up and graduated high school in St. Petersburg, Florida. He went to college at the Univeristy of Missouri- Columbia and later spent time as a defensive coordinator at a few different schools, including during Kansas State University’s revival in the early 1990’s. He agreed to become the first Head Coach at USF in 1996 and has built them into (to date) the BCS-ranked #2 football team in D1. He has repeatedly been courted by schools such as Alabama and Miami, but states that he wants to remain with the Bulls and continue their rise as a national power in college football. Prying him away would not be easy as he feels at home in Tampa.

Cam – Pros: Built South Florida from the ground up. Cons: Will have difficulty shaking the “Hook’Em!” signal after doing it for 10 years.

DM – I’ll never get tired of the “Leave it to Leavitt” headline

AL – This guy is a cross between Mike Stoops, Bo Pelini, and Art Briles. He’s kind of a moron, I would never want him speaking for our program, but he’s kind of a decent coach for a program like USF. If we were in the Mountain West and wanted to build a program to compete with TCU this would be a guy to consider. So we better keep his name handy if this hire doesn’t work out.

Rich – Hmm? $500,000 buyout? Million bucks a year? After turning down some respectable programs he might be ready to leave South Florida.

KP – Is it just me, or does this guy look a little, you know, Mike Stoopsish (if you catch my drift)?

HA – Coach-O the Clown. Slap some makeup on this guy and give him some pingpongs and you’ve got a big crazy looking Bozo. He’s not leaving Tampa.

Will Muschamp – DC, Auburn Tigers
2nd season
Age – 35
Muschamp is a fiery leader on the football field who seems to understand defenses very well, especially for someone as young as he is. A linebacker for the Georgia Bulldogs, Muschamp spent time as a GA for Auburn directly out of college. He bounced around smaller colleges before landing on Nick Saban’s LSU Tiger squad as defensive coordinator. Saban thought enough of Muschamp to take him to the NFL with him, however Muschamp returned to college football when he accepted the position as DC on Tuberville’s staff in 2006. He is an excellent recruiter and is full of energy, notably his killer instinct on the football field, both as a player and coach.

DM – Motherfuckin’ navel rapist

Cam – Pros: Energetic, young coach with impressive resume as a defensive coordinator. Might be the only candidate that can make Bob Stoops blush with his vernacular. Cons: Might have Tourette Syndrome.

[setting – Mack Brown press conference 2008 T-3].
MB – “It’s gonna be a tough game, but we really like the way our 2 QB system is playing for us. Colt when we need an injury time out, Chiles when we need people to remember that Vince played here and I loved kissing Vince on the mouth.”
Reporter – “Mack, what do you…..wait…what’s that…..oh MY GOD….it’s Muschamp’s Music!…[Disturbed’s “Sickness” is playing in the background]…WHAT’S HE DOING HERE!”
WM – “Woooooo! I gotta tell you boys! All you Mother Fuckers are gonna see a sonic BOOOOOOOOOOOM out there tomorrow! Whoooooooooooo! Some Mother Fuckers are gonna get KILLLLLED! Then resuscitated! Then KILLLLLLLED again!!!!!! I said BOOOOOM, Mother fuckers! Someone cradle catch me!”

Rich – “Boom, Mother Fucker.” Nuff said.

KP – Big minus: doesn’t conform well with Byrne’s “no potty mouth from coaches” policy. Seriously.

HA – Might be a tad young, but he’s got a great resume. Dynamic personality, knows defense…what’s “Franchione” spelled backwards?

Brent Venables – DC, University of Oklahoma Sooners
Age – 37
Venables is well known to Aggie recruitniks as a hellacious recruiter who will stop at nothing to secure commitments, including running down A&M quite frequently. He is a tireless worker, though, and a very good assistant, as he was a finalist for the 2006 Broyles Award to the best college football assistant. Venables was a linebacker for Kansas State and coached at KSU with Stoops. Stoops took him down to Norman when he was named Head Coach of the Sooners. His defenses are perennially ranked in the top ten, including 2003 when they were statistically the top defense in the country, the same year the Sooners laid 77 points on Dennis Franchione’s team.

HA – If it looks like a worm, crawls like a worm…it’s probably a fucking worm. He’d bring a lot of shit-talking to A&M, but I don’t know if he can back it up.

KP – Let’s see. Questionable coaching ability and the reputation as a sleazebag. Where do I sign up?!?!

AL – Can’t we all just agree that all of OU’s success since 2001 (after Leach and Mangino left) has been 100% because of Bob Stoops? Can we? Good.

DM – Never heard of him

Rich – Just to piss tu off! Is it me, or does he look like Vince McMahon?

Cam – Pros: Solid defensive coach. Finalist for Broyles Award in 2005. Could be called, “The Venerable Venable”. Cons: Will have to get his talent from a pool of recruits that IS capable of passing the TASP.

Mike Sherman – OC, Houston Texans
2nd season
Age – 53
Sherman is a favorite among Aggie fans who cut their teeth on Aggie football in the 1990’s, as he was an assistant coach for RC Slocum’s team for the better part of a decade, leaving only during the probation year of 1994 to coach at UCLA. He left Texas A&M to join the Green Bay Packers, where he was named Head Coach in 2000 and General Manager in 2001 after following Mike Holmgren to the Seattle Seahawks for the 1999 season. Sherman was fired in January 2006 after posting a 4-12 record with the Packers. After being away from college football for ten years, the biggest question mark on Sherman is how he’d fare in recruiting against Mack Brown and Bob Stoops.

AL – Did RC gain a bunch of weight in the last 5 years? Blah. Another old silver haired white guy. Oh, he coached at A&M once? Oh, he was a head coach in the NFL? Is that supposed to get recruits fired up? Do we really need another CEO head coach? This does NOTHING for me.

Rich – Despite his ties to A&M, I’m not feelin it.

Cam – Pros: NFL experience Cons: Is old and boring. Kinda like Charlie Weiss. Who I hate.

HA – As Byrne puts the finishing touches on his master plan to completely destroy Aggie football, he calls Aggie Head Coach Mike Sherman to see if he wants to go catch a sizzlah and a walleroo at Outback.

DM – Once an aggie always an aggie

KP – I’m still confused by the recent revelations that he is not 76 years old. I’ll pass on him because prematurely-aged people weird me out.

Jon Gruden – HC, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
5th season
Overal coaching record – 79-69 (all NFL)
Gruden is an interesting name and would be considered an extreme longshot at this point, however his tenure in Tampa Bay could come to an end very shortly. He hasn’t been a college football coach since 1990, when he was the wide receivers coach for the University of Pittsburg. He was involved in a trade from Oakland to Tampa Bay, which is really unstable in and of itself. He’s a little fella, and his nickname is “Chucky” after the doll from the movie series Child’s Play. He was arrested for DWI back in 1998, so he fits in well with the Billy Gillespie lovers out there. Also, is visor pedigree, so those wishing for Spurrier get a little bit of lovin’ afterall. Has a lot to prove and a very aggressive personality, but unsure if he’d be interested in returning to college football.

HA – I’d bust a nut if we somehow got Gruden, mainly because I think he would be able to out-asshole Bob Stoops on the field and in recruiting. Gimme gimme gimme.

Cam – Pros: Won the Superbowl at Tampa Bay. Cons: Looks a lot like a psycho ex-girlfriend of mine that still haunts my dreams.

DM – He’d take them to Junction and kill someone

Rich – Who comes up with these names?

KP – Cons: No shot of getting him, and he’s clinically insane. Pros: He’s clinically insane, and will always have a soft spot in my heart for how he dicked over Chris Simms.

AL – I think it moved.

Greg Schiano – HC, Rutgers Scarlet Knights
7th season
Overall coaching record – 34-43 (all with Rutgers)
Schiano is a New Jersey native, which makes him a perfect fit for Rutgers. He began his coaching career at the high school he graduated from (Ramapo HS) and later was an assistant for the Chicago Bears. His first year at Rutgers was 2001 and he pretty much sucked ass until 2005 when he had a 7-4 record. Since then, he’s been a media darling, winning multiple Coach of the Year awards. His coup de grace so far has been whipping Louisville at home and derailing their NC hopes.

HA – I’d love to have some sort of connection to the Sopranos for future concept pieces on HSJ, but ahh….no thanks, buddy.

AL – I think everyone wants to believe he’s the next Urban Meyer. Rutgers is in an area that was just waiting for a local school to have some success so the local talent (which is plentiful) doesn’t have to go OOS (ACC schools camped out in the NY/NJ/PENN/VA area). So he’s done the job he should have. I just haven’t seen enough to think he could come in and upset the current situation being surrounded by OU/tu/LSU. Plus, he’s going to be the HC at Penn St eventually, so why bring him here just to have him abandon us in the next 2-3 years?

Rich – Come on. He played at Bucknell and coaches in New Jersey.

Cam – Pros: Has done a fabulous job building the Rutgers programs. Cons: He’s a big, grinning paisano, any way you look at it.

DM – No WOP’s, thanks

KP – Ixnay on the opways. Barone….Franchione….Fughedaboutit.

Steve Kragthorpe – HC, Louisville Cardinals
1st season
Age – 42
Overall HC record – 33-25
Kragthorpe is often confused as a former Aggie player, however he actually played at West Texas A&M. He was an assistant on RC Slocum’s teams in the 90’s as made his way up to offense coordinator before taking the quarterback coaching gig for the Buffalo Bills for two years. He took over the HC job at the University of Tulsa and was a favorite name to throw around as a replacement for Fran when Fran started showing his ass in 2005. Kragthorpe replaced Bobby Petrino at the University of Louisville this year and so far has had an underwhelming year.

Cam – Pros: Has A&M connections and NFL experience. Cons: Has seemingly decided not to field a defense.

KP – Have they dislodged Kragthorpe’s lifeless, mangled corpse from beneath the undertrappings of the Louisville bandwagon yet?

DM – Only if Kirksey and Hoener come along to restart KHK offense

AL – Does anyone think Larry Kirksey is sitting in his basement somewhere saying, “Hey, I was a K in the KHK offense, too. If you like K’s, I’m a K.” Kragthorpe is the one guy who could come in to A&M and say, “Wow, this is a pretty salty defense. I can probably move some of these athletes like Arkeith and Devin to offense without a noticeable drop off.” He did almost beat OU at Tulsa though. So he’s got that whole “almost beat OU” thing that we loved in Fran 5 years ago. And he didn’t even have to attempt an onside kick.

HA– Why is it that everyone who has ever coached under RC Slocum suddenly a candidate for this position?

Gary Kubiak – HC, Houston Texans
2nd season
Age – 46
Overall HC record – 9-12
Kubiak was a quarterback for Texas A&M in the early 80’s who spent time under Mike Shanahan in Denver as the offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach for the Broncos. Long rumored to be interested in returning to College Station to coach his Alma Mater, Kubiak seems to be entrenched in Houston for the time being and would be a long-shot at best. His first job as a coach was with Texas A&M as the running backs coach. He would definitely be a very popular hire with Houston Ags as he is a Houston native.

KP – Kubiak and Tubs intrigue me for no other reason that they were long-sleeved polo shirts on the sidelines. I thought that by definition, a polo shirt must be short-sleeved. If that’s the case, what is this strange breed of shirts to be classified as? Ruling please.

DM – Briles needs a QB coach

AL – Everyone is just keepin’ it warm for you, Gary. We’re here when the NFL burns you out. Try to win some hardware in Houston. Go ahead and start talking it up with the TX HS coaching association. See you in about 6-8 years. It’s gonna be majestic.

HA – Old Houston Ags would have a simultaneous orgasm/fullbody heave/massive heart attack if he were hired. Is it that much of an accomplishment to say that you “coached” Steve Young and John Elway?

Cam – Pros: A&M connections and NFL experience. Cons: Will be coaching the Houston Texans next year.

Rich – You wish.

AgLuv Addition: Steve Spurrier was not included. I know it’s beyond unlikely, but it has to be mentioned. I would set-up a fundraiser for a per person donation for every time he sarcastically called Mack Brown “Mr Football” or Bob Stoops “Baby Visor”. This alone would pay for his salary. I’m good for a crisp $100 every single time. And think of the abject horror he would evoke of our own stick-up-their-ass fan base? Traditions tra-shmitions. It would be slightly less humorous than having Yellowbeard Leach as our head coach, but slightly more awesome due to the serious ass kicking we would be guaranteed to start dishing out.

All the Answers w/HA and KP

Why is it when a team has a head coaching vacancy, fans seem to throw out the name of every decent football coach in America regardless of how ridiculous the notion of that coach leaving would be? And, while we are on the subject, what do you think of our chances of pulling Belichick away from New England?

KPWhy is “Dancing With The Stars” so popular?

Hint: ¾ of the people you will ever encounter would have a CT scan virtually indistinguishable from Terri Schiavo’s.
HA – Where would we be without our painfully eternal optimism and delusions of grandeur? Those are essential ingredients in the Aggie Recipe.

Whi is it that everybody’s inside source says different things?

HAThere’s a formula for the “Rumor” thread that goes like this:
“Ok, don’t shoot the messenger but my [brother/cousin/neighbor] knows [RC/Jackie/Lowry Mays/some Baylor grad’s wife] who is [a member at Miramont/lives across the street from Fran/was a VIP member’s son]. Apparently, there is a [buyout/secret meeting/photo of someone naked] out there that [implicates Byrne into VIP/ensures Fran’s firing/confirms Tuberville rumors].

Take it for what it’s worth…”

why did Fran major in the art of total faggery?

KP I believe “faggotry” is the word you’re looking for.

When humans are exposed to as much venom as the current A&M head football coach, a point is eventually reached when feelings flip and people begin to feel sorry for them. This usually occurs after the people know for sure the beatdown is complete.
Has Fran reached that point, and if not, when?

KPFran’s already reached that point with me. I had a sneaky suspicion that Fran was going to fall on his face this year, and it’s been uglier than I initially imagined. For folks like me who have been convinced for several years that Fran isn’t going to get it done here, this season hasn’t been that traumatic. I was pleasantly surprised by the vitriol spewed after the Miami debacle. At least our fanbase seems to still give a flying fuck about our team.

I don’t think Fran’s not a decent human being or anything, but it’s pretty damned embarrassing to see someone completely humiliated and outclassed week in and week out. He is so far out of his league, it is hard to watch. Still, the people I truly feel sorry for are the players that have endured his shit for 5 years while constantly getting thrown under the unforgiving wheels of the Franwagon.

Assume you were a head coach and you had a 290 lb RB that can move like a cat, another RB with speed to burn, a third RB with incredible speed and power, a TE who everyone agrees could/should be an All American, a supposedly seasoned and powerful offensive line, a burner WR who can stretch defenses and a 6’6″ QB with a cannon for an arm who can also run like a gazelle. If you managed to put up only 7 points against Texas Tech, would you commit seppuku with a cheese grater?

KPFranchione and suicide are touchy subjects, dude. Shameful.

Here’s my serious football question:
In case we need an interim HC, and since nobody wants Darnell or Koennig, what about Jim Bob Helduser? I think having a coach named Jim Bob would strike fear in hearts of our opponents.

KPIf Ed Orgeron doesn’t scare opponents, Jim Bob has no chance. WILD BOYS!!!! HOOOOOWEEEE!!!! WILD BOYS!!!!!!

HA – No. Pope is the Asst. HC and would be the guy to take over if Fran leaves early which is not very likely to happen.

Since the Ags have the #7 Rushing Offense in the nation and Nebraska has the #106 Rushing Defense in the nation, is THIS (finally!) the week that Fran will open up the passing game?

KPYou’re assuming we haven’t opened it up already. Hey, you can go full throttle on a ’72 Vega and still not sniff a school zone speed limit. Hate to tell you, but we’ve seen the high points of this year’s team already. Scary, huh?

HA – If Nebraska lays us to the bone, I’m afraid to see what Stoops is going to do. He won’t take his boot off our throat this time after Fran called him out in the summer. Good going, jerkoff.

What was Bill Byrne saying to himself after the Tech game?

KP“Plausible deniability.”

HA– “Find a happy place…find a happy place…momma’s sweet little girl don’t do nuthin’ wrong…” [smears lipstick on his face]

How do you think wearing a visor would improve Fran’s gameday decisions? (i.e. Spurrier, Stoops)

HA I think you have to be in some sort of club to wear one of those, kinda like winning The Masters and wearing a green jacket.

If you’re going to keep the acronym BPHJ, I happen to know a guy with the initials “BP” that would be flattered to have a site dedicated to him. Also, please redact my name when you post this. Thanks.

KP Eat it, Modzi.
HA – You can’t edit OUR website, can you? Mwahahaha…all that work to distance yourself from us down the drain!

Any insight to the real strength of the next recruiting class. Will the next coach honor their verbals, or will they open the door to the many near misses we had this year? Will Fran cry any more during his press conferences?

HAI’m more worried about the recruits honoring their verbals than the new coach. I’m sure Fran has been crying non-stop when he realized that he traded $40k for $8.5million. Stop and think about that for a second. Hell, I started crying just now.

i want to be of good cheer.
any suggestions?
chandler bhang

KPI recently learned that MicMac was fond of getting snot-slinging drunk off of mudslides and throwing kitchen knives into his living room wall. No joke. You could try that.

I need to get a really annoying sign off like “be of good cheer” going. That way, when I’m eventually bludgeoned to death in a whorehouse, eaten by coyotes, succumb to consumption, etc. my demise will be met by much rejoicing and celebration. I seriously feel that MicMac wouldn’t have been hated so much if he wouldn’t have fagged up the joint all the time with the “be of good cheer” line.

HA – I hated him long before I knew about his stupid ass sign-off. Is it bad to pray that someone loses everything they have? I think Jesus likes me, otherwise he wouldn’t have answered my prayers.

If you have the game recorded, please watch it again. There is a scene of Darnell on the sideline. He appears to be wearing an eye patch and black lipstick. Is he a member of your Pick up group? Was he successful in Lubbock? His blog seems to be down right now.

HAWhat the hell?

Could Coach Fran get laid by Terri Hatcher if he played a plumber on Desperate Housewives? (not that I watch Desperate Housewives).
Boy Named Sue

KP Thanks for fagging it up, “Sue.” I used to think Teri Hatcher was smoking until I saw Heaven’s Prisoners.” Yikes. Talk about hanging participles. That was 1996. You do the math.

HA – Buttertits.

Exactly how long does it take to get schnapps from Europe to DFW?

HADepends on who your drugmule is. Apparently, my drugmule isn’t the smartest knife in the drawer, if you catch my drift. Seriously, who tries to carry-on a bottle of schnapps and a bottle of absinthe onto an international flight?

Brad Franchione: Great JUCO coach or The Greatest JUCO coach?
Ag Brother

KP I don’t know, but he’s definitely my choice in the FILF poll. Hey, I’m confident enough in my own sexuality that I can make sweet butt-love to another man and know that I’m not gay.

HA – Hey, remember when he was hired and all the talk was how he was going to have this incredible Aggie farm system in Brenham, where’d he take all of our less-than-intelligent recruits and “groom” them into students while maintaining their badassery on the football field? I think the Franchiones are like King Midas but instead of gold, everything they touch turns to shit.

Which current assistant coach would you get on speaker phone for and sing “Take a Chance On Me” when the new coach comes in.

KPKill. Them. All.

HA – Wait ‘till you see what the guys who run certain Aggie message boards do to get in good with the staff. I’ll give you a hint…it’ll take more than just being a “mouthpiece” like they did with MicMac. Ya hear me?

Will a new coach be able to convince “The Original BP” to change his stance on using his name and likeness for your project?

HABetween your question and me lies a ten foot pole lying on the ground, untouched.

Who is more likely to have a successful career in ’08, Brittany Spears or Fran? Why?
Contrast Doc

KPEasy question. Britney. Her vagina appears on the Internet about 5 times a year. Fran’s on the other hand, is on television roughly 10 times a season.

Did Gary Darnell include in his current position on the resume he recently submitted to the Amway Corp?

HAI wonder what he’ll have to do to get his insurance license renewed. There’s no “D” in “Whole Life Policy”.

Serious question — is Muschamp a guy that Byrne will go after? Or will he go after Tom “RC Clone” Tuberville?

KP Byrne is a weird cat. Anyone who professes to be privy to his thought process is full of it.

I tend to think that Dolla Bill would like for this hire to be solely his call, but I’m not sure he has the financial backing to be the only swinging Richard on this deal.

HA – I have no idea what he’s thinking and if anyone says they do, they are completely full of shit. I think the first time you’ll know who the next coach at Texas A&M is, it will be the morning that his plane touches down and Troy “Pulitzer” Miller runs over with his Mickey Mouse Magicflash Camera and snaps some candid photos of the new coach getting into an Escalade with Bill Byrne and stopping off at Sweet Eugene’s.

Does Fran wear a merkin?

HADoes anyone?

Why does it hurt so bad to get hit in the balls? Seriously.

HAThe package is the only set of external organs that hang. Plus, I think God likes the cruel punishment of “feels great/feels terrible”.

What is Byrne telling the BMAs in private about football team, Fran, new HC.

HA Spellcheck in MS-Word suggested “nipples” for your handle. That’s funny.

Give a blumpkin or watch our offense?
Sammy Baugh

HAWatch our offense by a mile.

What happen to Billy Pickard’s sponsorship off Hellspawned Javs?

KP Here’s the deal. This site was obviously not affiliated with, or representative of, Billy Pickard in any way, shape or form. Every reference to him was clearly farcical or satirical in nature. As such, we weren’t doing anything unlawful on the site. However, Billy Pickard just didn’t want his name on our site at all. The guy’s a badass, and we do respect him a lot. So, we decided to honor his wishes and drop his name and likeness from the blog.

HA – We respect the hell out of the guy and don’t want to make him mad. Plus, if you know Pickard then you know the carnage he’s capable of. We’ve been using “HSJ” as a new name. Some of you wrote in to suggest “HJ”, but we’re not doin’ that.

Q1: If, somehow, A&M falls to Nebraska, and then unthinkably drops to Kansas to complete the Big 12 domination of franny-world, what will be the theme from Fran in the post-game presser following Kansas, as he ramps down to another blow-u blowout?

Q2: Would it be legally possible to ban Fran from wearing anything maroon, or white, or having the ATM or Texas A&M logos on it, following his next putative humiliation, until he is ultimately fired? That would help my blood pressure some.

HAI don’t think we’ll have a Mother of all Meltdowns as previously predicted. At this point, the Aggie Nation has had its collective spirit sucked out by Fran’s hairlip and all the crap surrounding his side business. Furthermore, every loss will just make those of us who have been ranting about him for a long time shrug and those of you who recently saw the light to shake your heads in wonderment in how you were fooled for so long.

Can you explain to me the meaning of “superman dat ho”?
KP There are actually two definitions I’m aware of: 1) when you ejaculate on a girls back then put a blanket on her so when she stands up the blanket sticks therefore making her look like she has a cape; and 2) to enthusiastically jump onto a woman to have sex with her, arms stretched out forward, a la Superman’s flying style. (courtesy of Until recently, I was only aware of the latter meaning. How I miss the simple, innocent days of yesteryear when demeaning, misogynistic terms were clearly defined for us all.

While Soulja Boy didn’t introduce the sexual meaning of “Superman” into our lexicon, he certainly mainstreamed it than any person before him. For that we thank you, SB.

“I did not Superman that hoe….Miss Lewinski.”

HA – Why did Pickard want his name off this site again? By the way, Monica Lewinsky in her prime? Totally would.

…What are the odds of enlisting a little help from a F-18 Hornet Fighting Texas Aggie Pilot with a certain missile during the fly over at the Kansas game? All we need is another Ag Tanker pilot with a refill to reach safe asylum in sunny Mexico…I’m sure the Swiss account could be set up with the redirected buyout money….remember the beach scene at the end of the Shawshank Redemption?, I’d do it…probably have a statue next to E.King Gill in front of the Zone….

KPForwarding to FBI…

HA – We here at HSJ in no way, form, or fashion condone any sort of terrorist activity. Distancing completely.

Did you ever think in your life there would come a day where you would utter the phrase, “You know, I think our best chance for a win the rest of the year is AT Nebraska.”?
Doug Fu

KP The shittiest part about it is the 1998 beatdown of the Huskers seems a bit cheapened now. I miss Nebraska being a badass. In years past, the Big XII always had at least one pants-shitting-scary program that eviscerated everyone. Now, the two best teams in the North are coached by Pinkel and Mangino. Christ on a crutch, this conference blows.

Will Soulja Boy be retained as a basketball staff member?

HA I hope not. Isn’t he 16? In two years, many Aggie basketball conversations will start out with, “Who was that kid who played at Maroon Madness in 2007 with that incredibly shitty song?”

Will Angela pick Andy or go back to Dwight?

HAThat chick, my friend, is from Archer City, Texas. I still have a room reserved in my house in case Pam decides to move to the country.

Can we cancel the rest of the season?

HANah. Let it roll and enjoy the pain. Without the pain, you can’t understand true happiness. In a few years if/when we get this thing turned around, it will mean a lot more to us than if we are just used to it.

Losertalk 101 – We can’t all be winners. That’s what makes us losers appreciate winning so much more.

Since Fran will be unemployed.. Is there any chance he can play Ned Beatty’s part in the remake of Deliverance ?

HAI hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but when he’s gone I don’t give a FUCK if I never hear Dennis Franchione’s name ever again once they get him off campus.

Is Muschamp in extreme pain or extreme ecstasy in Doug Fu’s sig pic? What if he was assaulting a Hellspawned Javelina like that?

HA I might take one for the team if we could get Gruden.

Why does Fran’s Vagine hang like sleeve of wizard?

HA When he throws his bag down on the street with the chicken still in it, I think I gigglefarted.

Does the descriptive phrase “Pulitzer Prize winning author” have less clout in literary circles now that it has been used to describe Mike McKenzie?
Hot Sauce Hoy

HAIt would if he’d actually won a Pulitzer Prize, which he did not.

This football program is mediocre at best. How long does Bill Pickard see it taking to even the state of Texas to “take a shine” to us again? Better yet what are Billy’s plans once tche takes over as the second top program behind tu? Finally what would Billy say would be Coach Bryant’s response to the question “How do you cure a yeast infection”?

HAPlease see above.

What are the chances that we drop Coach Fran and hire Coach Fran from Blinn? It seems to me a match made in Heaven. Heck, we won’t even have to change the name on the door or parking spot.

KP Sir, I’ll have you know that there’s only one “Coach Fran.” Seriously, he had it copyrighted.

HA – Is taken yet? That’s a pretty low spot down the trough.

How does distance itself from the humiliating public revelation of it’s intimate relationship with Mike McKenzie?

HA I don’t blame those guys for trying to gain a competitive edge on the other sites, but then again I don’t think Floyd Landis was doping. Actually, I think it was more of them getting tricked into the info funnel this staff created. But…if the ship sinks, you better not be tied to the mast. However, I’m not very happy if my personal information was shared with anyone I didn’t give permission to have. They’ve got my credit card info, dude. Not cool.

#1-With all of the recent TV airtime of one BCG at Kentucky football games it got me to wondering…he always has the same look on his face like he knows something that everybody else doesn’t. What is it that he knows?

#2-It is a forgone conclusiong that Fran is a dead coach walking. Having said that each game he continues to coach is a “working interview” for potential future employers. How do you think he interviewed last Saturday?
Big Bobby B

KP 1) Billy is one smug mother. He’s proudly sporting his $250 suit and a healthy splash of Brut (by Faberge), and there’s not a fucking thing you or anyone in this building can do about it. That’s what he knows.

2) SMU is thinking “sweet, these blowouts mean we get Franbone on the cheap.”

Does the chick in MAC’s signature have the hallowed perfect ass?

HA Yeah, pretty much. I wonder if she’s old enough to drink and take roofies.

In how high of regard do you hold the improvements brought on via the miracle of rivals.wireless and the blackberry towards taking a dump? The “creation” of an interactive experience versus a static one is significant, wouldn’t you agree.  On a side note, how many posts do you estimate are now generated while sitting on the porcelain throne?
Jimmy Crack Corn

KP I don’t get that. When I’m ready to crap, I am in and out of the stall within 50 seconds max. It’s not enjoyable for me to spend ten minutes slowly extracting a pillar of feces from my anal sphincter. Hey, I’ve tried, but I’m never getting back that $55 I blew on anal beads (they don’t take returns, go figure).

When I hit the crapper, it’s like a precision bombing run: identify your objective, drop the payload and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

HA – Wireless internet and the laptop revolutionzed websurfing/porn surfing.

That’s one massive update. I know you guys are dying for info on the coaching situation, but try to sit back and enjoy yourselves because there’s still half a season to go and nothing is going to happen before December. Just remember…if you have to drink and drive, drive really fast so you get home quicker and endanger few lives.



2 comments on “Be Careful What You Ask For

  1. Pingback: How Much More Can We Take? « Hellspawned Javelinas

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