HSJ Gameday Diary

6:10am – Higher Authority leaves Possum Kingdom for Aggieland. It’s a long drive, and he has to go thru Waco, which makes it even worse.

7am – Ag Luv leaves Houston for Aggieland. He’s wearing his extra spooky shoes (more on this later).

10:30am – King Puppy, Ag Luv, and Ag Brother set up for tailgating. We are in Lot H, right across from the parking garage entrance on West Campus. We can see Kyle if we hang our heads out from under the tree. Right on the sidewalk…prime tailgating.  We have some problems with a Special Needs Ag while setting up, but we told him he better get his ass to Bright if he was expecting to call the plays again this week.

11:30am – HA calls from Bryan. Gotta stop by Wal-Mart for a case of Shiner, chips, and D-batteries. We don’t need any tampons, but he bought some anyway. Figures someone would use them at some point.

11:55am – HA arrives.

Bloody Mary’s are flowing, complete with pickled green beans and olives. Ag Brother is sporting his Top Gun Aviators. We have a wide open spot on the sidewalk to harass a good 20k people or so walking this way from the west side of A&M. Tree to stage right so no one can sidle up next to us, open spot next to us on the left, but there is a 12th Man Foundation sandwich board announcing which lot it is. More on the sandwich board later. We’ve got many beers, an XFL football, BBQ pit, chicken wings, beer, the world’s worst cameraphone, burgers, chips, pumpkin for the Mangino-lantern, and the batteries. HA forgot the tampons in his truck, but admits later on that he used them all on the way over. No more details provided, however…

1pm – Chicken wings are on. The area is starting to fill up. Some family with a 2 year old daughter is close to us, but AL is persistant in using foul language. Apparently, the port-a-pissers had a late night visitor who tore off the elastic wasteband of his Fruit of the Looms and left it J-I-C someone runs out of toilet paper.

2pm – Fire Fran couple walks by. They are handing out “Fire Fran” bumper stickers and the chick is wearing a “Fire Fran” tank top that she made with rhinestones. She tells us that she sold them on eBay at one point and was wearing nothing but the sticker, to which we all commented that she had nice big boobs. The husband didn’t seem to mind, which sorta creeped us out but hey…boobs.

2:30pm – Some middle-aged couple rolls up next to us in the spot with the sandwich board. They want us to move our gear over so they can set out their insignificant bowl of chips, but we tell them that we won’t. We will, however, move the sandwich board to the sidewalk. We aren’t total assholes.

2:31pm – HA gets the bright idea to put the Fire Fran sticker on the sandwich board. An afternoon of hilarity ensues. For the next hour, we gleefully watch people walk by, point, and then look around like they are on Candid Camera.  It goes something like this:

Fan: Wait a second, does that say Fire Fran? Hah, that’s so appropriate! Someone put a sticker on that sign! Wait, the font and the colors are an identical match. Is that for real? Did they print up new sandwich boards in protest? Is the parking and traffic department revolting? Better check the other side….yep! Same on the other side. Must be University Sponsored. Awesome!

2:45pm – Mangino-lantern carving commences. KP is at the helm. He doesn’t have a large head, but for some reason he has to carve a massive hole out of the bottom to get his grape in. Beer has totally kicked in, and we are starting to harass people as they walk by.

3:30pm – Budweiser Hummer giving out free beer. AB and HA decide to mosey on down and get some free hooch. There is a tv in the back of the hummer, so they sit down and start watching the game (USC and Oregon going at it).  They get free beer, beads, and a Bud Light hat. The beer came with an Aggie beer hugger. Score. HA starts screwing with the tv remote control and somehow cranks the Hummer. AB hauls ass like someone’s shooting at him. HA hits him in the neck with the XFL football as he’s leaving.

4:30pm -KP catches everyone on fire. Apparently, he ran out of charcoal so he threw the bag on the grill. Right when it was ablaze, the wind caught it and scattered cinders all over everyone to the west of us. Fuck ’em…we were here first. Burgers are on.

4:45pm – Some chick with blue highlights in her hair stops by with a friend. She’s not bad, but she’s way too skinny to be really hot. She likes AB’s Budweiser beads and says that she lost hers. HA suggests that he knows a way for her to earn some back. They haul ass out of there. Prude bitch.

5pm – Burgers are finished, so KP dons the Mangino-lantern. He’s rip-roaring fun. Some old woman calls him an idiot. Little kids are scared, but mainly because KP is doing the Fat Bastard thing and telling them he’s going to eat them. One runs out into the road, but it’s not our fault. Parents should teach their kids not to do that sort of stuff.

5:15pm – The Fake Mangino acosts pedestrians. We are dying laughing. Beer helps, but also the Fire Fran sticker is getting some serious looks. I think people believe that the 12th Man actually sponsors the public outcry to fire our coach.

5: 30pm – Walk to the stadium. We are in the Zone Club, so booze shall continue its downpour. The rest of the plebes get to walk up the ramps…poor suckers.

6:20pm – After A&M’s massive defensive stop, KP and HA use AB’s Budweiser beads like a garrote, but they break. AB repays KP by biting KP’s hand. KP thinks it’s funny, but AB has an obvious erection so we get a little bit weirded out.

6:45pm – AL has his feet near the girl in front of him. Then her douchebag boyfriend turns around to tell us that his girlfriend has a “foot phobia” and asks that we extricate our feet from the entire area to keep her from flipping out and jumping off the ledge. Guess what happens next.

6:46pm-7:30pm – We do everything we can to mix the words “foot” and “feet” into everything we yell.  “1st down and 30 FEET to go.”  “Who here is a FOOTBALL fan?”  “My crazy FOOT is about to attack this stuck up bitch in front of me!”

7:31pm – We go into the Zone for smokes and drinks. We see Looch and harass him about MicMac. He’s a good sport, though, so he lets it roll off his back.  Ag Luv begins to overheat and turns red.  His ears are on fire.  We try to ice him down and pee in his mouth, but he’s still burning up.  Turns out he was just building up one giant yell for the end of the game.  Once he got it out, he was back to normal

Sunday, 10am – Time for breakfast.

That’s pretty much everything that happened. Nothing else of any sort of significance happening that night.


4 comments on “HSJ Gameday Diary

  1. I wore a pumpkin on my head for the 1998 football game in Stillwater. It was on October 31st, and I got into the mood. To show how Ag football gay I was, I made it look like a football helmet – complete with real facemask, maroon spray paint, and white stenciled aTm on both sides.

    My neck hurt for 3 weeks. Severely.

  2. Pingback: Where You At? « Semitough: Suburban Guerrilla

  3. –Original Message—–
    From: BreakingNews@MAIL.ESPN.COM [mailto:BreakingNews@MAIL.ESPN.COM]
    Sent: Friday, November 01, 2007 1:53 PM
    Subject: ESPN Breaking News

    — Dennis Franchione to resign as football coach at Texas A&M University. In a press release, Franchione stated: “I have accepted a position coaching 7th grade football in Girard, Kansas, my hometown. I’m no longer wanted at A&M, so it’s time to move on and be among people who fully appreciate my competence as a coach.”

  4. Does anyone know if the following is an authentic quotation? I’m told it is an excerpt from a letter authored by Lawrence Sullivan Ross to his successor in 1898:

    “Athletic competition between the students of the Agricultural & Mechanical College of Texas and other educational institutions should be encouraged, as it builds a sense of unity among the students, provides a healthy diversion from the rigors of their academic studies, and enhances the reputation of the College. These benefits are readily apparent to anyone who gives a moment of thought to the subject. I am convinced, however, that athletic competitions have the potential to teach our students a most important lesson, one that far outweighs the advantages previously mentioned. It is incumbent upon those charged with leading this institution in the future to ensure that our graduates are adequately prepared for the trials and tribulations of life. Accordingly, I charge you, as the next President of the College, and all of your successors with the responsibility to ensure that A&M College shall always be no more than moderately successful in its athletic competitions. Whenever we shall appear to be poised for a high level of acclaim and achievement, the President shall take steps to nip such success in the bud, lest our students come to be arrogant. Likewise, when our athletic teams, through their poor performance, have put the students in the depths of despair, the President shall take steps to restore our teams to moderate success and thereby restore hope among the students. By raising the hopes of the students and then dashing them and then raising them again, over and over, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, we will prepare our students to cope with adversity. This is your most important responsibility. This letter shall be passed to each new President of the Agricultural & Mechanical College of Texas at the time of his inauguration to the end that our beloved College, through mediocrity on the playing fields, shall be eternally vigilant in preparing our students for the adversities of life.”

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