Big XII, How Do I Hate Thee….Let Me Count The Ways

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you

When the stench emanating from the bloated corpses of the once proud (well, not so much) SMU, Baylor and TCU football programs became unbearable, the two remaining heavies (A&M and sippers) made the logical decision to sever ties with the dying Southwest Conference. The Ags were inclined to continue their ongoing rivalries with LSU and Arkansas by joining the SEC. As we all know, Texas politicos Ann Richards and Bob Bullock both flexed their political muscles and bullied the ineffectual Ray Bowen and Wally Groff into joining with Texas, Baylor and Tech into a move into what would eventually become the Big XII. So, instead of entering into a conference chock full ‘o awesome road trip destinations populated by stadiums full of sundress-wearing, slow-drawled vixen, the Aggies were coerced into forgoing the bourbon-tinged proving grounds of the SEC in exchange for admittance into the wind-burned plains of the Big XII (a.k.a. The Worst Conference Not Called “The Big East”).

Let me be clear on this point: I hate the Big XII. This “superconference” has consistently failed to live up to its expectations for all three major men’s sports. Further, the conference is an amalgamation of schools that have virtually nothing in common. Texas is in the same conference as Iowa State??? Huh? Plus, the road trips are a pure beating. “Oh boy, another roadie to Ames. Frantastic. Break out the spray paint and grocery bags cause we’re going to huff our way through this one, boys.”Not only does the basic concept of the Big XII defy all Lockian notions of what is just and right, but the individual members blow goat as well:

Baylor – So we were forced into a shitty conference and we were forced to bring along this helmet-wearing “special” little brother. Helluva deal.

These hypocrites are truly wretched. They disallowed dancing until the eve of the millennium, yet they have no qualms over hiring an obvious cockbag like Dave Bliss. Enjoy your cat skinning, losers.

Nebraska – “Lookee here. We’re the best fans in the world. We’re heavy and loveable, just like zoo bears. Hug us for we need acceptance.” Lincoln, Nebraska, home of the best fans who literally threaten to kill their own coaches.

What an amazing legacy the Huskers possess, built upon a foundation of partial qualifiers and a questionable scholarship system. If the whole corndogs in their arteries don’t stop their overworked hearts in the next twenty to thirty years, Husker fans will be able to astound their grandchildren with tales of the days of Husker relevance. Hope you enjoyed the ride, cornboys.

Oklahoma – What could I possibly say about the most openly dirty program in college football? “We was a-cheatin with Switzer. Hee hee. We was a-caught cheatin with Stoops…..and nothing happened. Tee hee hee.”

You’re right, Sooners. You are untouchable with the NCAA, but your penance is that you’re saddled with Toby Keith as a lifelong fan. You and the Big Dog Daddy deserve each other.

Iowa State – You don’t even care enough to field a baseball team. I cannot begin to elucidate how much this pisses me off. Plus, they fired Larry Eustachy. Fuck. You.

Tech – No need to kick a man or school when it’s down (which is always in Tech’s case). Out of all the things that make Tech unbearable, the worst would have to be Lubbock itself. Don’t get me wrong, I love the amazing vistas afforded by the American West, but Lubbock wasn’t exactly used for filming Shane. The expected crisp, dry air of the desert is replaced in Lubbock by the lung-searing mixture of noxious fumes from rendering plants and student-operated meth labs. GUNS UP (to your own temples)!!!!!

Colorado – Home of the hippie rapists. “All four of us are about to practice free love on that ass…whether or not you want it, bitch.”

They don’t have a baseball team, either. Come the hell on.

Kansas – Fairly harmless basketball school whose recent football “success” has the normally affable denizens of Lawrence acting a bit cocky. Look folks, your portly coach has brought consistently middling results to a traditionally laughable program, but let’s not get carried away. Your best win this season is against a five loss team coached by Dennis Franchione. Tap the brakes Jayhawks, lest you turn the country against you.

Oklahoma State – Consistently whore themselves out based on the whims of a maniacal billionaire, yet still manage new and innovative ways to remain a perinneal laughingstock. In just a few years, no trip to Stillwater will be complete without a trip to the T. Boone Pickens Museum on campus, where the kiddos can marvel at the world’s largest collection of jars of the aforementioned oil magnate’s urine and toenail clippings.

It’s also a blast to see Mike “Moral Authority” Gundy recruit and start a player fond of gangbanging drunken twelve year olds. “RUN A TRAIN ON ME!!!! I’M A MAN!!!! I’M FORTY!!!!”

Missouri – What?!?!? They’re not in the Big 10?!?!?

Texas – Obviously, I hate these homos with the burning passion of a thousand suns. Instead of rehashing the tried and trued complaints against the Horns (burglaries, rampant sodomy, Satan worshipping), I’ll touch on one of the lesser discussed topics of horndom: their fanbase. Much like Tennessee and Alabama, the majority of the sip fanbase is comprised of the most fervent grocery store sackers and dime bag probationers you’ll ever come across. “What’s that, good sir? Oh yes, thank you for informing me that my school ‘sucks assballs.’ Be a kind fellow and make sure you buff those tar streaks off the hood extra good this time.”

Did I mention that Horns are wont to bugger other men?

Kansas State – You know what, I don’t have a real problem with Kansas State. They’re in Manhattan, and they’re pretty much cool with that. Plus Ron Prince might truly be insane. Big plus, there.

Folks, I may be bitter, but I’m right. Die Big XII, die.


All the Answers w/KP and HA

How many more “post your top 3” polls will we have before we get our top 1?

KP – Methinks we’re going to hear something soon, as in around T+4. Have patience (notice I didn’t say “faith”) with Byrne.

HA – Again, why are members of the HSJ staff asking questions? Jesus, what are we paying you people for?

With everyone on this board that knows somebody, nobody seems to know Bill Byrne. Is he a lonely man?

HAIt must be very brutal for Byrne right now. This decision could make or break his entire career, which isn’t very fair but it’s worked out that way. The implication that Byrne may have known about the VIP thing is even more damning for him, so if he ends up paying the majority of Fran’s contract and we end up with a spare coach like Mike Sherman, then he’ll be even more on an island. Actually, I’d go so far to say that if he knew about VIP and he ends up flubbing this decision, it could jeapordize his job. Never underestimate the incredible stupid things that rich Aggies can do in a process like this, though. I fear the BMA’s from Houston who are pushing Sherman.

Is it true that E. King Gill plans on sitting for the tu game?

HA No true Ag would sit for any game, regardless of who is coaching or playing. Unless you’ve already graduated, which means you’ve earned the right. Nothing worse than some douchebag student whose girlfriend sits down during the third quarter ask you to “please step off the wood” to give her more room because she’s hot. Well, if she didn’t weigh 180lbs at age 20, she would have more stamina.

KP – I think it’s much more likely that upon seeing the final score, the buried Reveilles will reanimate into zombie devil collies and rip Fran to ribbons at midfield.

Could you rank the prospective coaches’ wives, in the event we need a tie-breaker to determine the new HC?

1) Rita Rodriguez – ¡ME FUCKING GUSTA! Nice work, Coach Rod.

2) Suzie Tuberville – Very elusive, very hot (from what HSJ correspondents can tell).

3) Jerri Spurrier – You know how pets start resembling their owners after a certain amount of time? I think that’s what we have going on here. {Insert joke about keeping Cocks attentive, etc.}

4) Donna Tedford – Something just strikes me as odd about her. Are we sure this isn’t one of those “If They Mated” deals off of Conan?

Off the boards – Unfortunately, we could find pics for the spouses of Mike Sherman or Brian Kelly. We are certainly intrigued that Kelly’s wife is named “Paqui.”

What’s the first thing you’re going to do when Fran is officially out? Then what are you going to do if we wire a big name such as Spurrier or Butch?

KP Is Fran being gone really cause for celebration? Do residents of trailer parks cheer and party once the tornado finishes throwing them around? Actually, they probably do. My point is, we need to just quietly pick up the pieces and solemnly move on with our lives.

My hurricane party got out of control
I’m lying in the gutter eatin’ Tootsie Rolls
With millions of ant bites all over my ass
Beatin’ all my buddies with a baseball bat.

If we hire Sylvester Croom, is it permissable to re-enact jonestown on the 50yd line at Kyle Field?


HAMy great grandmother was at Jonestown, asshole. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Does Fran use tampons or maxipads? Oh, and does he douche regularly?

HA Umm…Fran’s a dude. I don’t think he uses any of those products.

On T+1 does Fran:
– go out a winner?
– go out quietly?
– give Ags the finger? If so, how?

HA He’ll finish at A&M with a winning record no matter what, which makes my skin crawl. He does everything very quietly and nasally. Honestly, after next week I don’t care what happens to the guy as long as he’s OUT of College Station and has nothing to do with Texas A&M in any way. He and his personal assistant or whatever are an embarrassment to the University.

What triggered the new look Stephen McGee on Saturday? He was able to look off his primary receiver now and then, and twice connected on quick slants.A ny ideas why these latent skills didn’t get revealed until game 11?

KPYou’re still paying attention to the games? I just make myself take a drink after every time we hear the “DUNH DAH DAH DAH………DUNH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAAAAAAAHHHHHH” courtesy of Fox Sports. You know the music. You abhor it. You cannot live without it.

HA – I can’t get over the commercial where all the animals hop in the guy’s SUV and start singing. Then the wolf eats the bird but spits him out. And they all sing together. So sweet.Kill me.Actually, I’d be interested to see if the new coach is able to turn McGee BACK into a passing quarterback after Fran has completely stripped him of that ability.

What honor or recognition will HSJ bestow upon the new Aggie coach? Do we need a Hell Spawned coach at A&M?

KP – They get the honor of coaching here three years before we decide to shitcan them. That’s Franner’s biggest legacy. We’re not going to wait too long to trapdoor a loser from here on out.

HA – Depends on who it is. If Mike Sherman is hired, HSJ will probably distance from him until he can prove that he belongs at A&M. Which he does NOT. You hear me, Houston wannabe Money Ags?!?

Distance and bitch constantly.

If A&M does the improbable and pulls out the “W” then what will the over/under be (in seconds) for the length of time the hug between McGee and Fran lasts?
Big Bobby B

HA – I picture the scene from Dumb and Dumber when Harry tells Lloyd that they can go to Aspen and Lloyd starts crying on Harry’s shoulder. Just. Like. That. Then Fran pulls away and punctuates each word with a fist into McGee’s chest while saying “We…did…it.”

KP – I was going to make a joke about McGee trying to carry Fran off the field, but all the other players avoiding eye contact with McGee, but……

if we beat the sips in Fran’s final game as A&M’s coach, will we see the team carry him off Kyle field? if so, how many injuries result from this?

KP – ….this joker beat me to it. Asswipe.

“Why Do Fools Fall in Love?”

HA – Sex and the promise of continued sex. That’s what’s so foolish about it.

How long until fans start asking for Jerrod?
And what cute defensive front will we go with this week?
I say we go with a 2-3-6, with Michael Bennett and Misi Tupe at the Safety spots.

HA – Darnell may try to employ the ol’ 1-0-11 formation. Then we’ll get flagged for a “Too Many Men” penalty and Darnell will go apeshit on the ref like they made a bad call. Mostly, he’ll be pissed off thinking about having to cold call houses in Knobsuck, Michigan, to get his insurance book back up to snuff.

Which current players will be “injured” for the sip game? Better hair: Darnell or HeMan? Are our players that slow or is it the system?

KP – You know how Don Haskins had the first all black starting team to win the NCAA tourney? Franny’s going to attempt to become the last coach to beat the sips with an all white squad. Frananarama is all about breaking down barriers.

HA – I never thought about Darnell having He-Man Hair, and really wish I’d thought of that before he coaches his last game ever because that would have been a great nickname, especially compared to the nickname I currently use:“Completely worthless coach who is clueless on everything regarding football.”

outside of rodney allen ripey, gary coleman, and that beeyotch stole my fish kid, who is the cutest diminutive black male in the past forty years?
chandler bhang

KPIf we could just get B.J. Holmes a catchphrase, he’d catch on like wildfire. I’m thinking “Coach Turge, you so wack!!!”

HAHow in the world can you forget Webster, dude? That kid was adorable, little, and very black.

Was 2 girls and 1 cup real in your honest opinion?

KP It’s still real to me, dammit!!!!

HA I only watched the first three seconds, so I can’t say. I threw the monitor of my computer across the room and thru the window of my office when that girl started laying a pipe inside that cup. I’ll never forgive KP for that shit. Literally.

KP’s post the other day about the chance of him dying of dick cancer got me to thinking of my next HSJ question…this goes for both. If your doc told you that you had dick cancer but could survive it by only having your entire package removed NOW, TODAY, would you go along or just say “fug it” and try to live AND screw as long as you could?
Chile Pequin

KPIs this really a question? You use that tumor to get laid, bro.

“Hey honey, ever seen a 12 lb. meatswizzle before? No? Well, you’re in luck.” Ziiiiiip.

HADick cancer is a very serious thing and not something we should be joking about. My grandfather had dick cancer, asshole. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Do you think we hire a name/splash coach or a no-name/cheap coach? Who are your picks and can I bind, torture and kill anyone who picks Brian Kelly?

HA I have no idea. If Byrne is really in serious financial trouble like I’ve heard he is, then we could end up with a dud Mike Sherman. Spurrier has a lot of smoke around him and I’ve heard that the deal is all but complete, but I’ll believe that when I see him in a maroon blazer. Given that we are Texas A&M, I’d venture a guess that we’ll end up with some dude you’ve never heard of and hope he’s good or we’ll end up with some over the hill coach who has no business being our coach, but he gives the Big Money Ags (BMA’s) access to the program like Slocs used to. My fear is the latter. We are very close to being non-existent in college football and the wrong hire will push us over the edge.

After Fran is fired would it be better for him to:
1. Run off with Darnell to a tropical island and engage in manlove forever or
2. Accept the SMU job.

HA Fran won’t get the SMU job. I doubt he’ll get any job anytime soon for anything other than a lower division team, and I’m not 100% sure that he even deserves that. It’s not that he can’t coach (can he?)…other schools are going to be scared to have anything to do with him b/c of the VIP situation. It’s scary that a head coach would be that stupid and/or disregard the rules like that. Who DIDN’T know that it was wrong to sell insider information to a select group of people and make them sign non-disclosure agreements that if they ever told anyone, they’d totally be uncool?

What he did to A&M football should be a crime. Terrible, terrible job from top to bottom in all aspects.

What do you do when the ladies tell you “you’re too big”?
Ag Brother

KP I mention how they’re awfully damn talkative for a fifth grader.

HAHad a funny joke but kinda feel like I’ve been trumped.

How do you think Fran drowns his sorrows after another loss caused not by him, but (in his mind) his bad players? In a vat of Crisco?

HA Honestly, I think he’s so stupid and egotistical that he really doesn’t think he’s done a bad job. He’ll blame something or someone else (like his freshman punt returner or the schedule), but he never takes the blame himself. But this is the last game we’ll have to endure with this idiot, hopefully.

Why doens’t HSJ ever answer any of my questions?

KPBecause you can’t spell.

1 – how big of a pot do you need for a ~15 lb turkey?
2 – how much peanut oil do you need to fry this sucker? 3 gallons enough?
3 – Will one ~15 lb turkey with sides and fixins feed 15 people?
Sofa Bum

1 – The standard turkey frying pots will be fine. I think they are 30qt.
2 – I think they come in 4 gallon tubs at Wal-Mart. That’s plenty.
3 – It will be a stretch, especially if everyone like white meat. Cook up a ham to go with it and you’ll be fine. Another turkey fryer isn’t that expensive, so just set up two and have leftovers like a real American.

Here comes Thanksgiving, and unless I’m wrong, I think we’ll have much to give thanks for this year. We may or may not win the game, but we are about to shake ourselves free of a burden that’s been on us for five years. Happy Turkey Frying!



One comment on “Big XII, How Do I Hate Thee….Let Me Count The Ways

  1. That made me cry. I hate the big twelve too.

    However, in the last 11 years there have been 3 football national champions [sic] from the big xii. I don’t think the quality is a shitty as we think.

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