If you have ever been a follower of politics, you surely have come across The McLaughlin Group while searching for someone to fill your head with thoughts and ideas. Better yet, you may remember The Sinatra Group from SNL back when it was actually funny. Either way, here’s the HSJ version in regards to the new Texas Aggie Football Coach, Mike Sherman.
Issue One: Aggies to the Alamo Bowl with interim coaches: Will they pound JoPa into retirement/death or send Darnell back to the insurance biz forever?
King Midas Puppy – Penn State’s defense is salty. A&M’s defense is salty as well, but like semen….from what I’ve been told. This one’s actually a tough pick because I can’t figure out if it’s a positive or negative that Gary Darnell has a month to prepare for Penn State.
Ag Free Luv – Aggie bowl wins are like hurricane names, they are re-issued every 6 years. ’95, ’01…’07? Load up on Ags -6. Actually, PSU’s D is really good. Their QB however is terrible. Rebuttal: we make EVERY QB look fantastic (see the Colt Corollary). I’ll stick with the hurricane theory though. Can’t refute science or global warming.
Bhang Pao Goes the Dynamite – “Beating A&M: So easy an octogenarian can do it.”
Tony Barone Mortimer – I think the freedom to play fun football will really benefit the Ags. I don’t think Darnell will benefit as a result, Les might look good if the last two games demonstrate his philosophies are successful and are different than those of Dennis.
Cam-aramma-Ding-Dong – This is an interesting question that really could go both ways. On one hand, a violently-executed sneeze could probably send Old Man Paterno to his grave, so that’s a positive for the Ags. ESPECIALLY in the event that our *cough* high-powered offense actually scores and the canon goes off. On the other hand, I still have nightmares of Lavar Arrington jumping over our OL and anally raping me, much like he did to Randy McCown when the Ags last met up with Penn State in the Alamo Dome. I know he’s not at Penn State anymore, but that guy left little Lavars swimming in the tail end of all Ags. Yikes. Close call, but I’m going to go with the home team in this one and say Coach Darnell heads back to Metlife or AllState with pride in hand. And a lucrative 1-year, all or nothing policy on Joe Pa.
Gettin’ Higher than a Mother Authority – There’s a certain part of me that would laugh hysterically if JoPa got disoriented and wandered out on the field during the game and tried to tackle Jovorskie. I’d laugh even harder if he realized to go low and actually took him down.
Issue Two: Mike Sherman, New Aggie Coach : Good Hire or Rushed Process designed to eliminate African-American candidates?
HAy’s For Horses – As an unofficial representative of African-Americans, I take offense to the BCA forcing teams to look at coaches as token candidates. However, as an unofficial representative, I really have no say over anything related to African-Americans in any way. Standing clear of this one just in case.
K-Hey, Momma, Said the Way You P: What the Black Coach’s Association needs to realize is that A&M failed to target any qualified candidates, white or black. Seriously though, I have no real problems with the process. If you’re convinced the guy you want is available, go get him and don’t fuck around. At least we didn’t have to break the Shermbank on our latest hire. Rimshot, please.
Ag All Outta Luv – Why was super fantastic anti-fran stoops killer not a choice? I love the honkey.
Camloops K-Wings – Good hire designed to eliminate African American recruits from our commit list, from how his first couple of weeks have gone. In all seriousness, I will go on record and say that I like the hire and will support Mike until he gives me reason not to. I’d much rather have Sherman at $1.8mm than Spurrier or Tuberville at $3.5+. But I’m usually wrong, so take little solace in my words, Ags.
Dean Fran-hatin’ Buchanon – Why are we focusing on African-American coaches and the BCA? Let’s face it, A&M eliminated all minorities equally. By doing so, A&M demonstrated true equality in the process. Sherman may be a Paddy or WOP, but those aren’t considered minorities.
Bhanged Your Mother Pao – They’re not booing; they’re yelling “croooooms!”
Issue Three: Likely clichés to arise from Sherman’s coaching stint at A&M.
Bhang Pao Chicken – “The winningest former NFL coach ever at Texas A&M”
Ag Summer of Luv – Recruits start feigning Muscular Dystrophy, just to get Sherm to visit them.
Cam’ron – The good news is that no one has yet claimed that he recruits like Brown and coaches like Stoops. The bad news is that he probably can’t recruit like Brown or coach like Stoops. I’ll go with a more cautious, “Recruits like Brown only not as good and coaches like a slightly less-apt and more toned down Stoops”.
Go sHAve Your Snooch – Message boards have already nicknamed him “Tank” or “Shermanator”, both of which whip my ass to no end. I like “The Boston Aggler”.
K to tha P: “Our execution on offense was smootha than my Grandmarm’s chowdah.”
Jack Attack Mortimer – “Sherman leaves tread marks on opponent”, “Aggies Celebrate Tanksgiving with another win in UT series”, “Sherman fudge packs Tech”
Issue Four: Pros/Cons he has over other coaches in the Big 12:
Dean “Wants to Be John” Blakely – Pros: None, we do not pay our players at A&M. Cons: Yemi, Joiner.
King of the P: Pros: A&M has fallen off the map as far as guys in the NFL. Remember when A&M was second only to Notre Dame in guys active on NFL rosters? Barf. Moreso than any other Big XII coach, Sherman can talk up his pro experience and getting his players there. Cons: Will be fired after A&M discovers he altered the 1938 year of birth on his birth certificate.
Bhang Your Pao – Pros: I’m pretty sure he has a better LDL count than Mangino. Cons: He’s been a man longer than gundy.
Cam ’Em If You Got ‘Em – Really tough to say at this point…Pros – Definitely has a deep well of football knowledge and apparently developes genuine admiration from his players. Probably as good at gaining loyalty from his players as any coach out there. Cons – Just doesn’t seem to want to bother himself with recruiting at this point. It was a concern people had when we first made the hire, and so far, apart from a few seemingly disinterested phone calls he’s made to a lucky few recruits, he hasn’t done anything to alleviate the fears. Oh, another HUGE pro on the Shermanator is that he looks a lot like the late Dr. Hesby, a fact which can be appreciated by a select few.
Ag Luv Juice All Over Your Face – Pro – He’s going to get tons of mileage out of the NFL / Favre connection. Con – He will be impossible to second guess if things go bad. He will be absolutely insufferable. Serious I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ potential.
HAmmering Your Mother – Pro – Some recruits may feel sorry for him and commit thinking that he’s got some sort of speech impediment which prevents him from pronouncing his R’s. Con – 13 years out of college football is bad luck.
Issue Five: Over/under on Jovorskie’s weight next year: 290lbs
Karrots Make Your Poop Change Color – “Next year” officially begins January 1. OVER. Easy money.
Maggie Luv May – We’ll actually know because Sherm won’t placate his ego like Fran did with that ridiculous 260 lb number they put on the official roster.
Respect My Higher Authoritah – Way under if he actually comes back. My fear is that he’ll go all Ju Parks on us and eat most of South College Station while trying to impress a fatass Delta Gamma looking for a babydaddy.
Finger Bhang Pao – C’mon, man, he’s polish. Over.
Camcer of the Liver – Starting out – push. End of season – over. The round mound of touchdown just isn’t going to slim up, and it’s a shame. There is, however, something to be said for a man that unabashedly lets himself go to all hell, and then tells people to kindly fuck off when they suggest he lose some weight. I admire his flagrant disregard for his body, health, and ability to make millions and millions of dollars because it proves beyond any shadow of a doubt, that he just doesn’t give a fuck. Period. When J Train says, “I don’t give a fuck.”, you know he means it. And that’s important to me.
I Gotta Take a DM – Over. Way over. Also, add an additional child or two.
Issue Six: What defense will A&M throw down next year based on the players/personnel we have in place currently?
Higher Transit Authority – Depends on the DC we get. If it’s yet another RC throwback, we’ll run the 3-4. Sherman looks like he’s probably going to try to build the A&M program like a pro team, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he goes with the 4-3. As long as he doesn’t try to run the old 1-0-10 that Fran threw out against Tech every year, I’ll be happy.
Deanareano Germond – I don’t know if we can answer that until we hire a defensive coordinator and get an idea of he and Sherman are “coach players to our system” or “fit the system to the players” types of coaches. It’s also hard to picture what would be ideal for the personnel, we have issues at every level of the defense. With old school A&M influences returning, will the 3-4 also return? Heard, Obiozor, and Bennett would look nice in a 3-4. Do we have the LB’s to support this scheme? Would Freeny, Chavis, Pugh be serviceable OLB’s?
Kingdom Puppyshire – To whoever posed this question, “fuck you.” After putting your shoestrings and belt in another room, check out next year’s LB depth chart.
Ag Butt Luv – Based on the playmakers we have on D? The feared 1-0-2 looks likely. Actually, I’m sure we’ll run a 4-3 and I like quite a few of our players. I think we’ll be a Top 50 defense out of the gates.
Snap, Crackle, Bhang Pao – As if we’ll have hired a DC by then.
Sony Camcorder – I have no idea whatsoever. Somebody ask jmlittle.
Issue Seven: What do people not know now about Mike Sherman that they will 5 years from now?
Dean Buchanon – That he eats because he is sad. And he is sad because he eats.
Cameron Diaz (nice body, big mouth) – Whether or not he’s able to coach at the college level with any degree of success. I really, honestly have no idea what to expect, because on one hand, he’s got all the credentials that should qualify him for this job brilliantly, but on the other, he just doesn’t strike me as a dynamic coach that the college game requires. Whether Mike Sherman can make the right assistant hires to appeal to young athletes is a huge unknown at this point. Given the 7 year deal he was given, Shermie will certainly get his chance to prove his mettle.
Ag Luv Child – Surprisingly, his dick has ALWAYS tasted like Bob Stoops ass, it’s not just from the past 5 years of rapings.
King for a Pay – That he exists??? Honestly, nobody knows jacksquat about Sherman right now. That’s why I’m not going either way on this hire. He’s the Monotone Unknown.
Bhangin’ For a Livin’ Pao – He’s not as good as the guy kubiak hired to replace him.
HeArt and Soul – A lot more than we know about Fran. It’s interesting that after five years of MicMac running around B/CS trying to control what was being said/thought about Fran and the A&M program, I’m not sure what to believe about Fran. Sherman is much more down to earth and will really endear himself to the A&M nation much more than Fran did, but I think that has more to do with the fact that he’s pretty genuine. He might be a genuine bore, but at least he’s genuine.
Issue Eight: Has Fran ruined Aggies as fans?
Susan Bhang Paowers – If by ruined you mean slowly, relentlessly drawn downward, day-by-day, into a soul-leeching pit of despair within which our plaintive cries for help do naught but echo eternally in our own wretched ears, then yes.
H and PAins – He’s taken away the fun of being a fan, although I’m sure it will come back once we start winning again. Trust me, if LSU fans can be excited again after Gary DiNardo, we can overcome Fran. Not having MicMac around the program makes me twice as excited as I’ve been about Aggie Football since 2004.
Cam it Up Your Ass – Without a doubt. You simply can’t find an Ag that will wholeheartedly embrace Mike Sherman these days, because we’re all so scarred from the Fran debacle. What an incredible clusterfuck that 5 year span was. I remember very vividly talking trash to both a Longhorn and a Sooner the day we hired Fran, and laughing my ass off at the suggestion that with our depleted talent, it might take Fran 3 years to compete for the Big 12 title. I actually bet a Longhorn friend of mine $1,000 that A&M would win 7 of the next 10 games against them, because I was so damn confident in Fran. To my credit, my buddy didn’t take the bet, because he was worried about Fran as well. Thank God. And damn you for ruining our sense of optimism, Dennis Franchione. That’s an incredible task to accomplish with Aggies. But you did.
Special KP – Fran’s biggest crime was putting a serious dent in the mystique that was Kyle Field. The fans are still here, but there are several classes of Aggies that have never experienced how much a rocking Kyle Field can mindfuck another team.
Eleanor Mortimer – Yes. This pudgy pretender has brought out the worst in the internet fan base. He has created a separation, we need to get back to good old Aggie Unity. Us against the world, the underdog approach. We all need to hold hands and spell out Gig ‘Em in a giant field, something like that.
Ag Luv You Like a Brother – To the contrary, hopefully it’s made some of our idiot fans less likely to have so much blind faith going forward, and actually evaluate the ongoing performance.
Issue Nine: How can a school that brings 88,000 to a game, with as good of facilities as anyone in the nation, located in the heart of the most football talent rich area in the nation, not be competitive year in and year out?
KP in Your Mouth – Trick question. It’s 100% Fran. When R.C. was tripping all over himself at the end of his tenure, his worst record was 6-6. Fran and Fran alone set all time marks in futility. It’s all Fran, bro.
Ag Suck It Like You Luv It – Where is BeBopAg when you need him? Half a league, half a league, half a league onward. Through the valley of nose rings, rode new army. But seriously, Aggies embrace being underdogs so much that we repel success.
Jermondorondo Buchanonator One Hour Mortimerizing – It’s the mentality. We were the Virginia Tech of the 80’s and early 90’s, we had that underdog edge working and it permeated throughout the school and football team. As A&M grew, got fat and rich, and had some years of success there seems to be a sense of entitlement and that “of course we’ll win, we’re huge and rich and gots all deez fans and shit”. That’s bullcrap!
LMFAO, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA – It’s a mindset that starts with the guys pulling the strings behind the scenes with their checkbooks. They got their hands slapped in the 80’s and 90’s for cheating and they still didn’t win big, so they’d rather have a solid program that whips Texas every year and goes to a bowl rather than risk the crap we had back in the 60’s.
Bhang in the Front, Pao in the Back – By allowing itself to be portrayed as a 19th-century all-male military school with either overtly homoerotic tendencies or a taste for porcine women.
The Houston Camical – I put the majority of the blame primarily on the shoulders of faggots. It’s their fault, for the most part. If they weren’t so damned gay, A&M would rule in football. Damn faggots. But seriously, it’s a legitimate question that is baffling to all of us. You have to keep in mind that the current level of resources at A&M wasn’t always there – that’s a relatively new situation. A&M just hasn’t found its Bobby Bowden or Steve Spurrier to firmly cement it as a powerhouse, and until we do, we’ll always play 2nd fiddle to Texas and OU, and that’s a killer. It should be noted that had we hired Urban Meyer instead of Fran, we very well might have found ourselves that coach. It should also be noted that thinking about that makes me want to hurl myself off a tall building while lighting myself on fire and plummeting through a series of whirling helicopter blades. So I prefer not to think about it. A&M just hasn’t found their man. Yet.