Big XII Preview – t.u.

This will be the worst Texas football team since John Mackovic wandered the sidelines in a clueless daze that he later blamed on post concussion syndrome.

Offensively, the Longhorns have their worst quarterback since Shea Morenz. Cart McCoy thrives on throwing interceptions. Without an NFL group of receivers, his weak armed prayers will result in at least twenty-five interceptions this season. He will also fumble at least once every game that he plays meaningful minutes. A lack of a quality running back will just put more pressure on Cart to toss the ball to the defense. Look for the backup Chiles to be starting by midseason as Mack Brown realizes that the passing game is for shit. He never wanted to bench Chance Mock, but he had to due to pressure from alums. The same thing will happen this year. Greg Davis doesn’t really know what’s going on. If it had been his choice, Vince Young would never have seen the field. He’s more worried about the dancing bears blocking scheme of a weak offensive line.

Mack Brown has only won one conference championship in his twenty-four years of coaching. Most experts believe that Vince Young single-handedly won that conference championship. Stever Spurrier refers to Mack Brown as “Mr. Football” because he considers him a total idiot. Brown is a great recruiter, but knows literally nothing about football. The Longhorn coaching staff except for Greg Davis is top notch, so Brown does not have to really do any real coaching. He sleeps a lot and goes on recruiting visits. During games he looks confused and his retarded relatives wander onto the field and cause stoppages of play.

Talent wise, Texas has one of the best teams in the nation. However, the players have been out of control ever since “Meat on the Hoof” was published in the seventies. From Edwin Simmons wandering around naked to Mike Adams crashing his car into a liquor store and being described by cops as “confused” yet playing the next week, the Texas football players have been treated like royalty. They know they can get away with almost anything and have ignored things like morals and hard work during their college careers. The pro careers of Ricky Williams and Cedric Benson mirror their college years, but in college they could use drugs and steal plasma televisions and not worry about the consequences. The NFL was a different story.

Defensively, the Longhorns have had terrible pass defenses the past few years despite having a secondary filled with future NFL players. This year, there are not NFL type players back there in the pass happy Big 12. The defensive line loses two cogs, but the linebackers should be decent if not good. Defensive Coordinator Muschamp may get these guys to play above their ability, but in Austin the players are usually more concerned with 6th Street than learning defensive schemes.

Texas Fred Akers Memorial Stadium Joe Jamail Field has been expanded to some 90,000+ seats this season, which will be the worst season for the Longhorns this century. Mack Brown won nine games his first three seasons in Austin, but he may win only eight games this season if he loses his bowl game. Texas teams are known for being physically soft. Howard Schnellenberger, coach of some Florida direction schools that plays Texas early this year, said this about the Longhorns:

“Once we step out on the field with Texas, the only ones who can help us is ourselves. Texas always has a very polished team that has great talent, but they aren’t tough, they aren’t a physically tough team. …

“My defense will get to a point where they will be mean, nasty and ornery bastards and that’s what you need for Texas. Texas will move the ball with tit-for-tat, screens and options, but we’ll make them pay a price whenever they catch one of those dinky passes. We’ll put three hats on them and make them not want to get up, that’s the way to beat Texas.”

This year, the Longhorns have a surprisingly tough out of conference schedule that probably looked pretty weak when they schedule these teams. They start off with Florida Atlantic, which would normally be a pushover except that their coach seems to have his players believing that they can win. Next, a game against whore buying Mike Price on the border of Mexico will be a tougher game than anticipated. A home date with the weakest Arkansas team in six years will be a challenge, then an expected Longhorn route of Rice. Texas will be 3-1 heading into conference play. Colorado, Oklahoma, and Missouri will put Texas at 3-4 seven games into the season. They will probably lose two more games after that and finish 4-4 in conference. Mack Brown will be forced to fire Greg Davis after this season. Mr. February will have to answer questions concerning his lack of conference championships.

In summary, Texas has a lot of so-called blue chip players, but they are weak at running back, receiver, and quarterback. Their offense will not be able to move the ball and their quarterback likes to turn the ball over. Defensively, they will not be able to put pressure on the passer without all out blitzes, and, since they have a weak secondary, will give up a ton of big plays. For the second year in a row, they will lose to both Oklahoma and Texas A&M. Deathburger predicts Mack Brown will start to feel the heat.

Notes: Farrah Fawcett is the most famous alumni of the University of Texas. “The Meat on the Hoof” was the first book portraying the evilness of college athletics. Charles Whitman was a student at UT when he killed fourteen people and wounded 31 more. Sheryl Swoopes transferred from Texas to Texas Tech because there were too many lesbians on the Lady Longhorn basketball team. At least twenty Longhorn football players have been arrested in the past three years. Ron Weaver, at age 30, played on the Texas football team under the alias of Ron McKelvey. Edwin Simmons was found wandering nude and confused through backyards in Austin. Texas watered down the field before the 1998 Texas A&M game for an unfair advantage due to the type of cleats required for a wet field. In the 1990 Texas A&M at Texas game, the two point conversion call in the huddle was broadcasted on national television, and right before the play started the Texas defenses shifted into the play.




2 comments on “Big XII Preview – t.u.

  1. Mack Brown will spend more time doubled over, with his hands on his knees, during games this year. It’s how he let’s everyone know he’s focused and trying his hardest. At times he will break this stance to clap his hands as his players come off the field.

  2. Bovine academics:

    “Mickey Herskowitz asked [Lovell] Pinkney about the summer courses he took to regain his eligibility, mentioning his human sexuality course. Herskowitz asked Pinkney what the other two courses were. Pinkney said art history, and then after pausing, said he couldn’t remember the third.”

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