So I break the mold
I search for the truth
There’s gotta be something inside of us, baby.
Out with the old, in with the new
I’ll speak for it, too
I’m moving on into…I’m moving on…
Into the New.
Behind the HSJ Curtain
We’d like to start out the HSJ season with a peek behind the scenes as we present the transcript of a telephone conversation regarding the Hellspawned Javelinas website that occurred in early August 2008.
Higher Authority: Yello…
King Puppy: Hey, buddy it’s KP. What’s up?
HA: Meh…not much. Thinking about taking my wife upstairs for some luvin’. How about you?
KP: Yeah, same here.
KP: Bahhh, soooo, have you been thinking about what we are going to do this year for HSJ?
HA: No, not really. Is it football season already? I didn’t realize it.
KP: Yeah, in a couple of weeks. My probation ends the first week of September, so that’s good.
HA: Yeah, it is. Did they ever find their “surprise witness” that was supposed to do all the damage to your case?
KP: [laughing like George Bush] Nope…he’s still on “vacation”.
[both erupt in maniacal laughing]
HA: Oh, murder is funny. No, but seriously…we’ve got to get our asses in gear. I know you’ve been on the lamm and all, but Deathburger is starting to get restless. He’s the only one that has posted anything since December.
KP: Well, have you considered doing a guest interview with someone? I’m sure we can get a lower-level Aggie celebrity to do an interview with us.
HA: Like who?
KP: I’m sure that Jaxson Appel would do one. He loves attention.
HA: Nah…no one gives a shit about that guy. I guess we could get one of Fran’s old assistants. Isn’t Helduser coaching for Bryan High now? He could use a few bucks, I’m sure.
KP: Yeah, but we don’t need to bag on Fran the entire year. Can’t we be more creative than to fill up our website with jokes about a coach who conned his way to A&M, sucked the entire time he was here, and then “resigned” two months after we all knew he was going to get fired anyway?
HA: Ok, how about we send Dean Mortimer to Stillwater. He can do one of those “Travels by Dean” segments like last year. That was great.
KP: True. Did you ever pay his expense check?
HA: No, and I told him that he can’t expense hookers and all those souvenirs. Seriously…what did he do with all those coffee mugs and bumper stickers and shit?
KP: No idea. Hey, Ag Luv is here…you want me to put him on?
HA: Yeah, go ahead.
AL: [obviously drunk] Heeeyyy, mutha fucka! Joo know what I am? I’m a mutha fuckin Aggie, bitches. Who is this?
HA: Hey, brah, it’s HA.
AL: Hey, cocksucker! You wanna know what this cocksucker made me do earlier? Change his shitty fucking kid’s shitty fucking diaper, cocksucker.
HA: Dude, put KP back on the phone.
AL: Whatever, cocksucker…I’ll see you at the fucking game and shit. WOO! Randy Shannon has AIDS, cocksuck…[drops the phone, starts singing the War Hymn in the background]
KP: Ok, I’m back. Sorry about that. He found my wife’s Zimas.
HA: No worries. Ok, so where were we?
KP: How about this: We take all the coaches in the Big XII and we rate them based on how big their heads are.
HA: Their heads? What does that prove?
KP: Nothing, but it could be funny, right?
HA: I guess, but doesn’t Mangino win that one going away?
KP: Yeah, I guess so. We don’t play Kansas this year, though, so it’s hard talking smack about him.
HA: We could do a piece on how Mike Gundy finally got his pubes this last year.
KP: Shut the fuck up, dude.
HA: Good point.
KP: Ok, this is it…We’ll come up with the next Aggie tradition. We’ll spell it all out and see if anyone does it at the games. Then, we’ll take pictures and post them on the site. That’s genius. ESPN may pick us up again like they did last year.
HA: What? Dude, you know how hard it is to get a new tradition going? Remember that faggoty bottlerocket yell they started a couple years ago, or that shit they did where we just do the “Saw Varsity’s Horns off” sway back when we were in school in the 90’s?
KP: Yeah, but this one will be awesome, like throwing water balloons after a touchdown or having people paint their entire bodies in maroon. You know how cool that would be to have someone show up completely painted?
HA: Naked or with clothes on?
KP: Clothes on…they couldn’t get into the stadium naked, idiot.
HA: Depends if it were a dude or a chick…everyone loves naked chicks, right?
KP: [obviously annoyed] The Hellspawned Maroon Morons would be an awesome gameday bunch…everyone would be looking for them around the stadium. That’s redass, pal.
HA: Seriously…that’s way over our heads. We just need some stupid shit to make people laugh again this year. Last year was easy b/c Fran showed his ass three games in, but this year shouldn’t be that bad.
KP: Uh, dude…
HA: …Fran’s season started tanking right at the Miami game, and we never recovered…
HA: Sherman won’t have such a bad season, so we need to have a gameplan for material…
KP: Dude, that might happen again this season. Sherman may lose to New Mexico AND Miami. You didn’t realize that?
HA: Whoa…we play Miami again? What’s up with that? And I thought it was New Mexico State. Crap…this isn’t good. Didn’t New Mexico have a better record than us last year?
KP: Ok, look. Start thinking of some angles from the team…how many walk-ons we have, how we are going to need a linebacker or two who has actually played football before, and maybe something about Kines and Pickard going out to eat the brains of students late at night on campus.
HA: Woop, woop…hold on…none of that last stuff, remember?
KP: Shit. That’s built-in humor. Ok, well, think of the rest of it and write it down. Let’s get the HSJ’s all together and get this thing going, ok?
HA: Sounds good. You still wanna let jmlittle do an article?
KP: I’m still thinking about it…I’ll get back to you soon on that one.
HA: Ok. Gig ‘em.
KP: Gig ‘em right back at ya, buddy.
Preseason Roundtable Discussion
The HSJ Team takes a look at the season ahead for the Ags
1) Favorite thing about Mike Sherman:
Rich – He’s not short, so people won’t be as quick to make fun of him as Fran.
DM – This is a little known fact but Coach Sherman and his wife have one of the top 5, arguably top 3, Hummel figurine collections in the world. I know this isn’t football related, but it’s a hobby I share and it’s not been made public in BCS yet. For anyone interested please register at http://www.mihummel.com/club.asp. Coach is active on there as username AHH_HUMMELA_HUMMELA.
AB – His athletic thighs and ability to pull off short shorts on the practice field.
BP – His joyous, booming belly laugh. Recruits crawl up in his soft lap and ask him what he wants for the next four years.
DB – He doesn’t care what you think about the way he dresses.
AL – “I ham da wun head coach hoo caan ra-late to da grate Haggie fahns. Favre. NFL. Chowdah.”
KP – He was the first coach to lose a playoff game (2 total) at Lambeau.
Cam – Imagining him wearing the Easter Bunny costume from “A Christmas Story”. Doesn’t this look like him?
HA – It was great at his intro press conference when Bill Byrne tried to bullshit everyone by saying that Sherman took less pay so he could “go out and get the best assistants possible”. Sherman then has this look on his face like he was just called on by the teacher to answer a question on the board but he has an obvious erection and wants to crawl under his desk. His shifty look when Byrne said that was awesome.
2) Things you’re most hoping to see from the team this year:
Rich – Aggressiveness. I don’t want to ever hear that we won the time possession battle or that we bend but don’t break. I want to get burned on one play and knock the qb out of the game the next.
DB – I’m hoping to see a defense this year. It would be great if a linebacker could make a play behind the line of scrimmage or if a defensive back jumped a route. I’d like to see some defensive touchdowns or maybe a blocked punt, things we used to see all the time.
DM – Swagger. Moxy. Aggieocity. Blood.Brotherhood. Lane progeny.
AB – Classiness, hey we may not win every game this year but as long as we can keep it classy we will be the true winners.
BP – About this question . . . . are we still doing a humor page?
AL – How Sherman tries to keep from losing the team after the second blowout. 2003 all over again?
KP – Honestly, I just want to see Kellen Heard knock the shit out of Colt McCoy again. That’s all it takes these days to keep me happy.
Cam – I’d like to see one of our defensive players rip Graham Harrell’s testicles (if they exist) off with his teeth. Now that I think of it, if any player from any team does that, I’ll feel that our season was a success, regardless of record.
HA – I want to see them play hard and look like they are actually playing American football instead of the horseshit Fran was doing. Any blowouts will be painful and remind people of the past five years, which will KILL the scant amount of excitement about this program that’s left.
3) Now that Fran is no longer at Texas A&M, where do you hope he is:
Rich – You had me at “no longer at A&M”
DB – I wish Fran much success and happiness in life.
DM – You know, I’m not a vindictive person, so I’m not going to write something humorous here. I recently went undercover and found Fran’s REAL location, not the Highland Lakes resort community crap that McKenzie is circulating. I traveled up the Kaw River delta to conduct an exclusive exit interview with Fran, and hope to bring you the transcript soon.
AB – Achieving his life long dream as target for the world’s largest bukkake. All the best, Franny-Cakes.
BP – Lip locked to Mic Mac’s taint. No, make him a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas picking Natalee Holloway’s bones in whispers . . . . No, that’s not dark enough. A full-time moderator at Scout. Yeah, that last thing.
AL – If only there was some way to weekly hear his nasally voice commentating on the landscape of my favorite sport! The first time that he gives his opinion on A&M and smirks his way through saying things like “It’s a transition year for the coaches, but the talent is there to be successful” I’m going to be glad that my media room has a projector set-up w/ a vinyl screen and not something that can’t properly take a Sierra Nevada bottle at 72 MPH.
KP – Conductor and Imagineer of Doctor Funball’s Magical Flying Fuckwagon. Seriously, I hope I never see or hear from this cockbag again.
Cam – Blowing the money he made at A&M on some prostitutes that happen to be very giving friends of our program. Did I mention that these same prostitutes have herpes and are in no way involved with our players, but love to find themselves getting tag-teamed in an ex-Aggie coach/current Longhorn coach sandwich? Well they do.
HA – I take solace in knowing that Fran sits in his office each day, longing looking at pictures of him and Charley North hugging in front of Netum Steed while a single tear runs down his fat fucking cheek and he mouths, “Why? Why, Jesus? Where did I go wrong?” As he starts to break down, he slowly shoves the snotty end of a pistol into his mouth and sucks on it while he sobs, but Kim calls to him from the hallway, “Honey…the poolboy is here…do you want me to have him put his thong and feathered headband on and wait in the den?” Fran pulls the pistol away from his mouth, puts it back into his desk drawer and whispers to himself as he nods his head and grins, “Dennis…everything’s going to be ok.”
4) You’ll be most disappointed if X happens. Define X:
Rich – We beat Miami or tceh early and lose games later that we should or could win
DB – I’ll be most disappointed if the new Reveille is an inflatable mascot.
DM – Define X? It’s hard. It’s like my anxieties and fears kind of vanish. It’s freeing. It creates this feeling of intimacy with people I barely know. I don’t know why I’d be disappointed if it happened.
AB – I’ll be most disappointed if stupid motivational crap happens. stupid motivational crap = friendship bracelets.
BP – X = FSW using Fran in any broadcasting capacity during one of our games – even a half-time Nasalcrom product endorsement. I will personally send Rupert Murdoch and Ric Renner a couple of Frank Booth love letters.
AL – If any of the disgusting, horrible role model head coaches (Rodriguez, Saban, Petrino, Fulmer, etc) are rewarded with success. Which means one of these guys will certainly win their conference.
KP – Creed gets back together.
Cam – I need Viagra before the age of 60. In regards to football, I’ll be very disappointed if we suffer any severe blowouts.
HA – The team quits like they did Fran’s first year. That RUINED Fran’s entire career. Well, that plus being a complete douchenozzle of a coach. I hate to have The Last Corps Trip besmerched like that.
5) Team most likely to be a surprise in the Big 12:
Rich – A&M; low expectations are fun
DB – The Colorado Buffaloes will beat some of the big boys.
DM – I don’t know if it’s likely, but man UCONN in the Big 12 would be a huge freaking surprise. I mean, what if they just showed up some November saturday and took the field against OU. Everybody would be like “WTF?”. And Stoops would be all “HUH?”. And like Dan Beebe would be totally saying “UCONN?!?!? OMG”. So that would be the biggest surprise I could see in the Big 12.
AB – The Ags will be surprisingly good or bad depending on how the season goes.
BP – Seriously, Did Ed Watson hack the HSJ Outlook program and submit this question?
AL – I think CU will challenge MU for the north. Nebraska could also be pretty decent. Texas will be a surprise if you’re delusional Aggie fan who thinks they will slump to 8-4 (and finish 4th in the south, behind A&M) this year.
KP – Mizzou. I’m penciling them in as North Division Champs. You heard it here first. In all seriousness though, the fact that Gary Pinkel hasn’t wandered into traffic and hit by a bus yet is fairly surprising to me.
Cam – I think Oklahoma State will shock people with how bad they suck despite the usual high preseason expectations.
HA – Unless Crabtree isn’t on the team, I really expect Tech to be very good. I’m looking for them and OU at the end of the season to battle it out for the South.
6) Team you are most looking forward to playing this year and why:
Rich – itt; I’m still pissed that Zach Thomas intercepted that pass for a touchdown and won’t acknowledge any of the games since.
DB – Miami. They killed us last year. Maybe we can return the favor.
DM – I’d probably have to say Miami. Payback for last year would be great, I hated Miami even before that game, it would be a great home victory, it would be a great season changing/confidence builder victory, it’s a name team that would get us a little attention, it would get the fans excited, it would turn some recruits who may be wavering or on the edge, it would be fun to watch.
AB – Army, ’cause I’ll be getting some of that sweet, sweet West Point trim. USMA’s got all the good tail.
BP – Jesus, dude.
AL – Army. This is our lock-the-doors, step on their throat game. Bobby Ross, we finally have a coach of your caliber. Payback, baby.
KP – Sips. There’s something about playing them on Thanksgiving that just feels right. Man, that’s going to be a helluva tailgate next year.
Cam – Miami, because it’s an honor to play a team that will likely win the Superbowl this year.
HA – Whoever we play in a bowl. Not anyone in particular…I just want to make a bowl game and actually have a chance to win without Dr. FRANkenfuck on the sidelines.
Rich – Neither if they resemble their father.
DB – I look at each woman as a work of art. The individual beauty of a woman shouldn’t involve her father.
DM – I wasn’t able to find either on Adultfriendfinder.com so I’m going to say neither is slutty. They are admirable young ladies with famous fathers.
Also, I don’t need any more C&D letters.
AB – Don’t know but I hear Brad Franchione is a P-I-M-P and full fledged member of the playa’s club.
BP – Cassidy.
AL – As a new father to a little girl, I find this type of humor completely disgusting. Also, worthless without pics.
KP – Sherman has a daughter? I’m going to again lament the unfortunate dearth of Francoochie pics on the web.
Cam – Sherman runs a house of virtue, so I’ll say Fran because I know he used to film homemade pornos in his backyard. No, I do not have a copy you can borrow, and trust me, you don’t want to see them anyway.
HA – I’m not sure that Sherman has a daughter, but it doesn’t matter anyway. Anytime a Franchione is in a “sluttiest” anything contest, they smoke the competition.
8) How will our recruiting class end up in February 2009?
Rich – Sleeper.
DB – We’ve signed some good classes over the past five years on paper, but too many guys didn’t make it into school. I’d like to see the whole class show up in College Station.
DM – Top 20, which is about what Fran averaged but I think a lot more will make it to campus, there are less JUCO’s than the average Fran class, and a lot more, by percent, will be on the team their junior and senior years.
AB – With 25 Joey Perots.
BP – According to the Chinese Calendar, this is the year of the sex panther.
AL – Addition by subtraction? “Hey, we got the kids who WANT to be Aggies. Yeah, they could have bailed on us after all the losses and taken the scholarship offers from up and comers like Baylor or SMU, but no, they stand by THEIR word. I’d share a foxhole with anyone of them! Any….one.”
KP – I’d normally go with “Frantastic,” but that doesn’t apply any more. I’m stumped frankly. I guess I’ll start going with stuff like “better than a mouthful of Sherm.”
Cam – With 25-27 players faxing in their letters of intent. Sherman is going to stare angrily at the fax machine all day until the last letter is in, at which point he’ll throw a triumphant fist-pump and yell, “These young men’s souls are as good as mine!!!” to no one in particular.
HA – Bland. Not bad, but not great. If Sherman isn’t able to get a five star player this year, we will run our streak to four straight recruiting classes without one, Martellus Bennett being the last one. That’s not good, but you can totally tell it by looking at our depth chart.
9) Things RC says to himself when he looks in the mirror:
Rich – “I could get laid if I only had better facilities.”
DB – “My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men’s room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn’t so closely resemble Hell.”
DM – I had a personal encounter with RC at Koppe Bridge back in the spring of 92. It was a much smaller restaurant back then, but it had a pool table and cold beer. RC was shooting pool and pretty well drunk. He came in the bathroom while I was at the urinal, he looked in the mirror, and he just started preening. I think he was practicing lines, looking at himself and how he would look delivering them. He kept saying “BULLLLLL crap” <mouth agape>, “BULLCRAP” <angry look>, “bull CRAP SON!” <big thumbs up>, <whip of sunglasses dramatically> “Thats straight bullcrap.” He was obsessed with how he looked and it got the better of him when he started blaming backup kickers for 48-47 losses.
AB – “I’ve been around this block twice now. Looking for something. A clue. I’ve been looking for clues and something led me back here. Yeah. So here I am. It could have been me, the one who was at Ringo’s place when the shit went down. Hey. I know how it is. I’ve been there. We’ve all done bad things. We’ve all had those guilty feelings in our heart. I’m going to take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. I don’t know. But I’m going to have to settle this. First we’re going to check the hole and see what we can find. We’re going to get nice and wet, and you’re going to spread your legs. Oh, that’s good. So you know me. You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough love, I don’t treat you gently. That’s right. I’m Richard Copeland Slocum. So I’m going to be nice. So I’m going to be nice. So I’m going to be nice, I’m going to ask you one more time. Where the fuck is Ringo?
I am a star. I’m a star, I’m a star, I’m a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That’s right.”
BP – “I’m smart enough, I’m winningest enough, and, doggone it, Mack Brown likes me.”
– “Another day alive, Richard Copeland. Savor it.”
– “Hell, I’ll still stand by it. To this day Whitney Houston still gets me fired up and ready to play some ball. Screw the haters.”
– “If I were to skin Mike Sherman, and then wear the skin as my skin, how many games could I coach before anyone noticed? And if they did notice, but I was winning, would they care? Would a skinless Sherman look like Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man? That Elisabeth Shue is one fine piece. Think I could still pull that kind of tail? Of course you could, you ol’ ball coach, you. Of course you could. Now off to another day of undermining the A&M program and making my legacy look good by comparison.”
KP – “I’m going to take you to the bank, Senator Trent….TO THE BLOOD BANK!!!!”
Cam – “It just goes to show you. What? What do you mean? You said “it just goes to show you”. Huh? Right now. You just said that. I did what? You just looked into the mirror and said, “it just goes to show you” two seconds ago. What were you talking about? Well, that’s just something I like to say. Okay, well how’s your wife? Whose wife? Yours – how is she? Who? Your wife. What about her? How’s she doing? Who? Your wife. Don’t talk about my wife like that you son of a bitch!!! Nevermind. Nevermind, what?”
HA – “You never lost to Baylor, huh? Did you ever get beat by 77? Reggie was a star under you, wasn’t he? And your assistants always had good jobs when they left A&M didn’t they? What’s that? Well, fuck Dino Babers, he doesn’t count anyway.”
10) If you could bring back any player from A&M history and give him one last year of eligibility, who would it be?
Rich – Robert Ferguson, no wait, he already has a year left. Dat.
DB – William Thomas or Aaron Wallace, just because we really need guys like that roaming around on the other side of the line creating havoc. Maybe Von Miller can be that guy.
DM – Rodney Thomas. Quite frankly, this is a poorly worded question if presented to Aggies. It should read “after Rodney Thomas, who is the one A&M player you’d like to give one year to?” OK, that’s from the heart. My head would say Coryatt because he could cover two LB positions himself.
AB – Harold “Ol’ Man River” Robertson. Dude looked like he was 5 years away from pulling a SS check at 22. I just want to see how old he looks now.
BP – E. King Gill, and this time he would play. Linebacker.
AL – John Kimbrough in his prime. Just to watch him ride the pine and shut some of these Ol Ags up about how great those lilly white teams of pre-1970 were.
KP – Who was that player we ended up landing that was earlier involved in the Colorado recruiting rape? I should’ve gotten more mileage out of that dude.
Cam – Jorrie Adams. He never used the last 3 years of his eligibility, but we need a pot-smoking guy nicknamed, “Bear Rape” on this team at all times.
HA – Rye Marek. He was the greatest Aggie ever to lace up a football. My only regret is that his legacy was overshadowed by Stewart and McCown and all the pussy he was able to drag in for being so awesome.
11) What’s your season prediction?
Rich – Disappointment, with enough improvement to create optimism starting in mid March.
DB – I just hope no one gets hurt and we display good sportsmanship.
DM – My prediction is : A&M struggles, but looks smart. There are always playcalls to question, but in general the consensus will be we are in good hands from an X’s and O’s and player personnel decision standpoint. We will improve. We will have a good offense. There will be a Lane controversy, and Lane won’t help things (Gimme the damn ball). We will go 6-6 or 7-5 and get a bowl game, and we’ll win that bowl. There will be many AY.com meltdowns.
AB – Mostly cloudy w/ a 60% chance of afternoon showers.
BP – Mayhem.
AL – I predict I quit caring by November. The team quits before that, well, at least the upperclassmen with “attitude problems”. They were trouble makers anyways. Gotta play for the future, and the future looks bleak! I mean bright! Yeah, bright!
KP – .500
Cam – PAIN. Just not sure who’ll be feeling it.
HA – We play hard, but lose a bunch. I hope we can get to 7 wins (which really shouldn’t be that hard), but I have a feeling we will get better as the season goes on. We lose a bunch of players next year, but we will be as fundamentally sound as possible. However it doesn’t matter when your talent is as depleted as ours is. Nine wins is a remote possibility, but we’re gonna have to play lights out, which I don’t think we are capable of doing.
All the Answers w/KP & HA
A recurring feature, we answer questions posted on AggieYell.com’s premium board. If you’d like to submit a question and are too cheap to buy a membership, you can email us your question.
shreaded (sic) groin muscle or broken femur, which hurts more? Jessica Simpson wants to piss in your mouth, yes or no and why?
KP: I think I’m going with the femur. From my understanding, that’s a nasty recovery process. Although just the word “groin” itself sounds painful. In fact, my work has been commended for being strongly phallic. The word itself makes some women uncomfortable. Groin.
No, I would not let Jessica Simpson, nor any chick in the world, piss in my mouth. What’s the matter with you? Get help, you twisted bastard.
HA: For some reason, I have trouble pronouncing “groin”. I always want to say it like “growin”, and then I giggle like I’m 10 years old. Kinda like the time I was watching tv with my mother and Kirstie Alley came on and I uttered the word “gunt” out loud and started gigglesnorting before I realized I wasn’t at home alone. That was a fun conversation to have, explaining what a “gunt” is to my sainted mother.
With all the hate for Fran would you date his daughter? Or just bang her?
KP: For the fiftieth fucking time, give me a pic of Ashley or Libby. We’re in the digital age, and yet I have yet to see either of Frannie’s daughters. Then again, there are plenty of Brad Franchione pics floating about the Interwebs. There’s a man that’s easy on the eyes.
HA: I scoured the net looking for one, but could only come up with the ESPN article. Surely one of those chicks got arrested by the CSPD, right? They arrest people for everything these days.
Has Deathburger received any more pit bulls from the Dallas Pit Bull Rescue? What was your favorite Fran era Tailgating moment?
KP: (Ignoring first question) Putting a Mangino-lantern on my head and terrorizing Old Army before (and after) the Kansas game was probably my favorite moment. At that point, we had no choice but to find humor in everything Fran related.
HA: By “Old Army”, he means “Old People” who were very scared of him. The best part of last year’s tailgating, though, was the Fire Fran sticker we put on the sandwich board, which stopped people in their tracks when they saw it. I’d like to point out how effective it was, also, in getting him fired.
How does Joe Kines still do it? performance enhancing orthotics?
KP: Little Known Fact: Coach Horsecock’s (aka Joe Kines) veins are filled with diesel. Ridley Scott got the idea of the acid-dripping creature in Alien after personally witnessing Joe Kines’ tobacco spit eat through three feet of sheet metal.
JOE KINES IS NOT HUMAN. HE IS A BIOMECHANICAL KILLING MACHINE BEYOND THE FURTHEST DREAMS OF H.H. GEIGER.
Who is a better Aggie and why: Jeff Tarpley or Bradley Stephens?
KP: Easy. Bradley Stephens. The kid is a small town nobody that is looking to make a splash in this big, unforgiving world. Sure, he’s lacking in raw talent and smarts, but by gum, he’s going to give it his damndest.
Jeff Tarpley transferred in from Dallas Baptist his last year after a nasty cheese fries incident. Plus, there are no real Aggies in Frisco.
will mike sherman cry in his post game interview in austin this year?
HA: Jackie Sherrill is embarrassed that A&M associated itself with Fran.
Can you provide a Cheese Dip recipe that is:
(b) better tasting than the velveeta/rotel craptacular
(c) has a bit of heft to it (contains taco meat, or chorizo, or something of the sort)
HA: Go to El Chico, I guess. That’s pretty easy.
If you saw Fran walking before the Arkie State game, would you say anything to him? If so, what would you say? How do you think Coach Horsecock will do this season?
KP: I wouldn’t say anything. The poor man has been through more crap professionally and personally in the last five years than most of us go through in a lifetime. Let’s not kick a man when he’s down. I would simply approach him with my arms outstretched, embrace him and gently nuzzle his ample teats until we both knew it is going to be OK.
Personally, Horsecock will be fine. He’s going to outlive your grandchildren. Our defense is going to blow goats, on the other hand.
who will have more receptions this year – jeff fuller, jorvorskie lane, or cyrus gray? why? who is the worst D1 football player you’ve ever seen play?
KP: Fuller. He’s our best WR. The other guys are secondary and tertiary backs.
Tough question on the worst player ever. We’ll get back to you on that.
HA: It’s not good at all when your 2nd and 3rd string quarterbacks are your 2nd and 3rd best receivers on the team. NOT GOOD.
Why is it called “Possum Kingdom Lake’; instead of “Opossum Kingdom Lake”?
HA: It’s colloquial. Do you say, “Oh, she’s just playing ‘Opossum’. She really likes anal sex, but likes to pretend she’s asleep so she won’t get it.”?
Of course not. It’s “possum” in Texas.
Is King Puppy recovered from his bout with Chlamydia that kept him off the boards for the summer?
KP: You’re so much better than that.
Which coach has the best hair in the Big12?
KP: Excellent, excellent question. I smell a feature article on this. Your HSJ dental dam is in the mail, sir.
How many minds (not personas) form HSJ?
HA: Collectively, about a half.
KP: What people don’t realize is that Deathburger and Dean Mortimer are actually 6 different people. No one man can be that damned consistent. We’re a big tent here at HSJ.
Is it true that the swallow is the bird of love?
HA: Only the females. Unless you are Ketchum-y.
KP: MIS, shouldn’t you be out making sure your daughters aren’t fistfighting or making out?
I am sitting at the social security office right now. The pickins are pretty slim, but if I absolutely had to hook up with a chick here, here are my possibilities. Which chick should I go after and why?
1 middle eastern chick with full black scarf and veil on top, but pink stretch pants on the bottom.
2 6’2″ black woman pushing 350 bills that keeps glaring at me while I am typing.
3 White trash meth addict missing multiple teeth with 5 kids under age 12.
4 Rail thin 20 something with at least 25 visible piercings, pale white skin, jet black hair, black painted finger nails, and with the whole chain attaching the wallet to the beltloop thing. Or
5 heavyset (but not fat) eastern eurpean chick with more facial hair than me.
HA: That’s a tough one w/o seeing any of them. How big are their tits (other than the fat one)?
KP: Here’s how I kick it. 1) Goth Chick – Easy, easy call. SuicideGirls.com is the first bookmark I check every day; 2) Middle Eastern Chick. The veil sounds intriguing. Beware though, the term “hirsute” likely applies; 3) Black Chick. 350 lbs. is a lot, but it is stretched out on a sexy 6’2″ frame; 4) Eastern European Chick. If you close your eyes, you can pretend it’s your mail order bride; 5) Meth Chick. Don’t get me wrong, I looooove white trash. It’s the meth that’s the turnoff here.
Is HSJ profitable yet and if so, when are you planning to launch the IPO?
HA: We are a not-for-profit religious organization, complete with tax exemptions and everything.
KP: We’re looking into opening up a casino. A religious casino, of course.
How skinny does one have to be in order to be considered “AIDSy-looking”?
HA: Before he died, my grandfather told me that you should “watch out fer them skinny girls because they got that bone that tears you up pretty bad.” I didn’t realize what he was talking about because I was 8 at the time, but later on in life I figured out how insightful the old man was. So, if they are skinny enough to have a really sharp pubic bone that roughs up your cock with you are nailing them in the front hole, beware of AIDS. That’s pretty scientific, right?
KP: Look at the progression photos of Amy Winehouse. When she gets to the point you wouldn’t tickle her ivories, that’s “AIDSy.” It’s really an individual call.
Is it innapropiate to make dirty jokes about the butter sculpture of 16 year old olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson that is on display at the Iowa state fair?
HA: About the sculpture itself? Probably not, but I’m sure you’d get in trouble if you tried to fuck it.
KP: That’s turning me on for some reason.
Do you have a good Sangria recipe?
HA: Not me personally, but this guy does I guess.
KP: No. Trick question. There’s no such thing as “good sangria.” If you have to add a bunch of crap to your grape juice, you’ve already lost.
Where is the “lake of AIDS” that jmlittle has referred to, and have MicMac and Fran been dumped in it yet? More likely to happen: Dennis Franchione becoming head coach at Texas A&M again or the Aggies getting both Christine Michael and Craig Loston? I’m planning on winning the lottery tomorrow. Can you tell me where to send the check for Craig Loston and Christine Michael?
HA: Fortunately, I’ve never taken a dip into the “Lake of AIDS”, but I’ll bet that becomes a punchline for future HSJ articles. I don’t think that either of those things will happen, but the odds are with getting the commitments since A&M will try to distance themselves from Fran like this year when they didn’t put his stupid face on the tickets that featured former coaches at A&M. Paying recruits to go to a college is an NCAA violation, Doug. I expected more from you.
KP: I’ve started to use the phrase “vomit blood all over myself” quite a bit. Kinda goes with the Lake of AIDS stuff.
Can you post a comprehensive brisket recipe?
HA: More food stuff? I’ll do the brisket recipe later in the year. Not right out of the gate…I’ve got to save some material for when we totally run out of stuff to post, which should be around mid-September so check back then.
KP: I’m wondering if anyone is going to actually try the recipes I’m coming up with every week. This could be as ill-conceived a concept as Ryan Caulfield: Year One.
Will Jorvorskie Lane play a single snap this year?
HA: Are you asking if he is going to take just one single snap? I’d say he takes more than that over the course of an entire fucking season, genius. Rumor is that he’s around 300lbs still and really hasn’t been working out that much, so I don’t know how much Sherman is going to use him. Total waste of talent, and I blame Fran.
KP: Yes, he will play at least one snap. Y’all are sure bringing the heat on questions this week.
When will Rivals.com conduct random drug tests on their subscribers?
HA: Good lord, I hope never. That would be expensive as hell and probably make the rates go up.
If you could kill one person in the world, who would it be and how much would you be willing to pay? Is Allstate Ag’s pool fixed and do you attach any significance to the fact that his name is Mitchell?
Cornell Tarrant or Burnest Rhodes?
Cody Beyer or Jesse Woods?
Jodie Richardson or Kelvin Flood?
HA: If I had to pick one person to kill, it would be my ex-father-in-law. You guys don’t know him, but he’s a total dipshit. I’d imagine that the pool is fixed because all insurance agents are crooks, but I don’t know that there’s a correlation to the name. If his last name was “Connell” then I’d watch my locker, if you catch my drift.
Rhodes, Woods, Flood.
King of the Death Match…who wins – Billy Pickard or Joe Kines?
HA: Dude, that’s a good question. I’d have to give it to Pickard since he’s the Leader of All, but it would be a good fight. The winner gets to eat the other one’s brain. I’m not sure that Kines will last more than a year at A&M as coach, though, so give Pick another point.
KP: You’re assuming either of them could die. Faulty assumption, pal.
1. If Van Halen picked a lead singer from Sherm, Fran, and RC, who would they pick and why?
2. More fun: Cancun or Cabo?
1. RC is kinda shaped like Gary Cherone, I guess.
2. If you are going with the Van Halen theme, then Cabo, of course. If you are looking for chicks right out of high school, then Cancun. If you are a sip looking for gay sex that leads to satanic cannibalism, then I’d suggest Matamoros.
KP: Sherm reminds me a lot of Sammy Hagar. He has that goofy “fuck it, I’m just happy to be here” look on his face all the time. He’s a lot looser than any of the other guys since he knows this isn’t going to be a long term gig.
Cancun or Cabo? Pass on both.
If I make nachos while watching college football, what cheese/cheeses are best to use? My beer of choice this weekend is Sol if you need to know for taste matching purposes. Chips will also be loaded with onions and jalapenos.
I Stab People
HA: Man…another food question. It depends how white trash you are. Some people like that cheese stuff that comes in a can like you get at high school games. Those aren’t bad, but at home you should always make your own chips (quarter corn tortillas and fry them) and cover with colby-jack. I like to put refried beans (that I make with ranch style beans) and taco meat on the nachos, too. Throw it under the broiler.
KP: You’re making nachos. Toss whatever the hell you want on ’em. Most people screw up by going with the pickled jalapenos. Go with the fresh ones. World of difference.
That should keep you guys busy for a while, right? Remember that the first game only comes around once a year, so stock up on condoms and pantyhose and enjoy yourselves for at least one more week. The tough stuff starts in Week 2. Stay strong and hard and we’ll see ya next time.