If you haven’t noticed, the HMFIC (Props to Johnny Blaze) for Texas A&M Football appears to have a bun in the oven. Sure, when chicks get pregnant, they tend to try to wear less-revealing clothes so that their pooch isn’t as noticeable. This is the case as well for our very porcine coach, however it appears that unlike Hennessy Jamiroquai Palin or whatever the fuck her name is, our fearless (menu) leader has not stepped up to the moral low-carb plate and married his babydaddy. Who could the father of his baby be? Let’s take a look at some of the potential suitors who should be standing next to Sherman on the sidelines soon, looking very much pussy-whipped and equally tense as a shotgun wedding is forthcoming. Of course, it doesn’t help that Sherman is dressing like he’s going to a BBQ/Worm Wrestle, but that’s the topic of another HSJ introspective article. Anywho…on with the show…
RC Slocum – Odds: 3-1
He’s the favorite in this race to win, mainly because the Sherm Bank and RC were very open about their relationship at the intro press conference. RC, Sherm’s former employer, was VERY complimentary of his protégé saying, “Mike Sherman will do for A&M’s defense what I did for A&M’s offense.*” Not exactly a ringing endorsement in anyone’s mind but RC’s. I give pause, however, because if RC’s the father then this would be a throat-baby and the bulge would be in a totally different part of the body.
*- not a real quote
Bill Byrne – Odds: 10-1
At first glance, one might think that it’s Byrne who is the pregnant one, but if that’s the case then the fatherhood candidate would be a handful of Houston Area Ags who bent him over pretty good on the whole “nation-wide coaching search”. Odds are that their love affair was torrid and quick, much like the vetting process for the coach himself. However, it’s obvious that Byrne inadvertently disclosed some private covertalk when he mentioned that Sherman whispered to him that he’d take less money for some better assistants, to which Byrne replied, “Now I’m gonna open my fly, and you gonna swallow what I give you to swallow. ”
The McKinney Gang – Odds: 25-1
The odds are stacked here since they are probably the ones who really pushed this thing thru from the inside, but the problem is finding out which one is the actual father since all three sorta share the same DNA. Unfortunately, we don’t have the budget at HSJ for DNA tests so we may be looking at a black hole here. A big fat black hole.
Mack Brown – Odds: 25-1
The problem is that Brown hasn’t really had the chance to screw him too bad so far, but if recruiting is any sign of things to come then we may be looking at a sibling at some point downt the road. Same goes for Stoops. However, as RC can attest, Mack can be pretty brutal when he gets you down and really starts working on you. Oddly enough, Fran was able to reverse the trend which just proves that sometimes tops can be bottoms, too.
Gary Kubiak – Odds: 50-1
This is a longshot. Sure, he gave Sherm a job after Sherm was run out of Green Bay and couldn’t find a job anywhere else. Sure, he let him resign early from the mighty Houston Texans so he could join Kubiak’s former alma mater and get a jump on his new job. Oh, wait…scratch that. It was A&M that got fucked in that deal.
Tommy Bowden – Odds: 50-1
He really doesn’t have anything to do with this, but I needed an excuse to go search for those Lauren Bowden pictures. Yowsah, that’s smooth.
Frank Stallone – Odds: 100-1
That’s right…Frank Stallone. It just sorta goes without saying. He’s a very potent man. Plus, he sympathizes with guys with speech impediments. Ag Brother approves of this message.