Are you familiar with the creepy mustache? According to biblical law, all singular mustaches without any other facial hair are creepy, although admittedly any facial hair can be pretty creepy. The creepy mustache, however, tends to dominate the creepiness factor for humans, men and women included.
Historically, big facial hair makes a fashion statement. In the 70’s, people wore their hair big and grew stupid amounts of facial hair. Take Lindsey Buckingham, for instance. He’s a brilliant artist, but the 70’s hair, mustache, and beard make him look like a homeless guy. Jake Plummer gets the award for “Creepiest Mustache in Modern Sports” when he decided to throw down the Village People look a couple of years ago. Creepy as hell.
For the most part, you’ll find that the more successful coaches in college football shun the creepy mustache these days, like in the instance of Bob Stoops not being able to grow a mustache for his lack of a top lip. But that doesn’t keep some of the coaches on the fringe to throw down some Flavor Saver from time to time. Of course, I’m sure a lot of you reading this right now are having your toes stepped on. I’ve met a few of you and was very dismayed to see creepy mustaches. But consider this tough-love. We need to bring this issue to the public’s attention regardless of who we offend along the way.
In an effort to make the HSJ fans aware of the Creepy Mustache, we’d like to take a look at some of the most overt offenders in college coaching. Now, I’m not saying that these guys are child molesters…but the mustache doesn’t do them any justice. It’s just that these creepy mustaches happen to show up on our televisions at home, and I am tired of having my personal domicile invaded by such creepiness.
So, here we go…the creepiest mustaches in the college football coaching world.
Pat Hill, Fresno St
This is the best. He’s got the Wyatt Earp thing going on. Actually, Pat looks more like a cross between Wyatt Earp and some pissdrunk biker at a divebar somewhere along the old Route 66 looking to start some shit with someone who doesn’t have any facial hair. I think it’s probably a bit at this point, but Pat’s name is the first you can come up with when putting together a mustache list. Seriously…ask any college football fan who has the craziest mustache in college football, and they’ll always say, “That dude from Fresno or whatever.” Very scientific.
Mark Mangino, Kansas
I know what you are thinking…we here at HSJ seem to take a lot of shots at Mangino. Look, we can’t help that he’s morbidly obese, makes a great model for a jackolantern, or that he’s got a really creepy mustache that looks like a remnant of food. More than likely, he probably has a pretty big mustache size-wise but it looks so small on his head. Like, if you took his mustache and put it on a little fella like Colt McCoy, he’d look like Wyatt Earp/Pat Hill. Come to think about it, we tend to beat up on Wyatt Earp and Colt McCoy a lot, too, but fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em all, we sez. Especially if they have a creepy mustache.
Dave Wannstedt, Pitt
Dave, the perpetually failed head coach who somehow keeps getting jobs, has a fierce mustache from the Bill Cowher School of Mustache Creepiness. Dave always seems to be having some sort of meltdown on the sidelines as he’s screaming about how great his mustache is and pointing to his top lip. Combine it with his 1982 Journey haircut and Bill Murray complexion, and he kinda looks like a pornstar. Pornstache. If you take him out of coaching football and put him in a window-less cargo van, then you’d probably be calling the authorities to report that a molester was trolling the neighborhood for fresh meat.
Ty Willingham, Washington
Ty has the Billy Dee Williams look, but so far it hasn’t helped him keep a job. I feel sorry for Ty, really, because he gets the blame for Notre Dame falling completely apart, but I hesitate to feel too bad because of that creepy mustache. I can’t help but think that when he gets fired once again, he can go home and cry in his mustache and try to come up with a reason why it never works out for him. Meanwhile, the rest of the world knows that it’s the mustache that’s keeping him down. Shave it, Ty.
Randy Shannon, Miami
This may seem like sour grapes since he’s whipped A&M’s ass two years in a row and made poor Deathburger look bad after DB predicted a big Aggie win last week. However, Shannon is suffering from what health officials call “Keenan Ivory Wayans Syndrome”. Seriously…take some of those whorish Miami chicks and put them in shitty dance outfits and you’ve got In Living Color, complete with Flygirls and everything. Maybe it’s a U thang that I just don’t get, but then again I sorta forgot what it’s like to win a football game.
Sylvester Croom, Miss St
Not to beat up on the black guys too much, but Croom might have the creepiest mustache of all the coaches because it’s so gray, thus creating an incredibly creepy contrast map. It kinda looks like a fake mustache because it’s so gray, kinda like Bill Cosby’s dad on The Cosby Show. As someone who is starting to gray very early in his life, I can understand Sylvester’s plight somewhat but that’s no excuse for growing a creepy mustache.
Robb Akey, Idaho
This is kinda like Sylvester Croom in reverse. It’s bad enough that no one has ever heard of this guy before this HSJ article, but now he gets attention for having such an obviously painted mustache that random Aggie fans are now cracking up at him. Look at that thing…Just For Men should give him a lifetime supply for having the balls to be so bold about it. It sorta reminds me of the guy in the office who takes the sports page into the shitter. He doesn’t care that the ladies know he’s going to poop…he’s going to keep it real.
Brent Guy, Utah St
The funny thing is that anyone doing a search for “Aggies” and “creepy mustache” will undoubtedly come across this website since Utah State totally ripped off our mascot and their coach looks like a high school janitor/bus driver. The even funnier thing is that this guy’s mustache is so creepy that if you do a Google Image search for “Brent Guy”, you’ll get at least two matches that lead to gay porn. No lie…try it out yourself. That reminds me of a new game I’ve started to play when I have nothing else to do. I take random words and do a Google Search to see how many matches it takes to find porn. Try it…go to Google Images and type in some innocuous word and see how long it takes to match porn to the word. The easiest hits are with chick’s names. Hell, “Tiffany” and “Jamie” show nothing BUT porn. You see how creepy that is, Brent?
Jerry Kill, N. Illinois
I swear to you on my dog’s life that I didn’t photoshop that picture. There you see a guy with a creepy gawdamn mustache holding up a shirt that says “KILL”. The only way it gets any creepier is if you find out he’s got a fat chick in a drywell in his basement that he’s making a girlsuit out of. I know what you are thinking…the lower you get down the coaching salary list, the more likely you are to find a creepy mustache. But you have to admit…you shuttered a little bit when you saw that guy holding up the KILL jersey with that mustache looking you right in the face, right?