Parents, Keep Your Kids Away from Illegal Drugs

Let’s face it, illegal drugs are a major problem for our great country.  From the lives they ruin to the people murdered in Mexico and South America, drugs have to be the number one concern for parents these days.  While most college students will be exposed to drugs at least once or twice during their college years, limiting this exposure will dramatically lessen the chance they will end up dead in the basement of a frat house or in state prison.

As a service to parents that are about to send their offspring to college, Hellspawned Javelinas has, through countless interviews and extensive research, come up with the ten worst schools to send your kids if you don’t want them to experiment heavily with drugs.

1.  The University of Colorado – Boulder

Becky says:  “Aiden was a bright kid and visited a lot of schools before he finally chose Colorado over Utah.  He always loved skiing, and I thought that was why he went there.  Then next thing I know, he pawned his skis and bought a snowboard.  I actually saw him on television at a protest to legalize marijuana.  His grandparents cut him out of the will.”

2.  West Virginia University

Fred says:  “I have nine kids and a wife.  I drink my beer in a tavern.  Mason was different than my other kids.  He didn’t want to work in the coal mines all his life.  We sent him to the university.  Then next thing I know, he gets thrown in jail a couple of times for possessing drugs.  I’m done with him.  He can rot in hell for all I care.”

3.  Arizona State University

Juanita says:  “Piper was my little angel.  We sent her to Arizona State.  The next thing I know, she’s posing nude in calendars and in those ‘Girls that are Wild’ videotapes.  She’s in rehab now.  She became addicted to cocaine.

4.  University of Wisconsin – Madison

Otto says:  “Jackson was a great kid.  He played soccer and hockey growing up and loved to wear sweaters.  We sent him to Madison for an education.  Somewhere along his junior year, he stopped eating brats and lost a lot of weight.  I knew something was wrong with him but he just closed me out.  Jackson became a meth addict.  I blame the Wisconsin Badgers.”

5.  University of Texas – Austin

Anne says:  “My husband and I went to Texas State, so we were huge Longhorn fans.  We were so happy when little Jayden transferred to UT.  He ended up in a bad crowd.  He would hang out and play Dungeons and Dragons and computer games with his friends and use drugs.  He graduated, but has been unable to keep a job because of his addiction to drugs and online fantasy games.  He moved back in with us.  I wish he would get help.  All of his friends also moved back in with their parents as well.  We’ve started a support group where we have dinner at each others’ houses once a week.  It’s a lot of fun.”

6.  Rutgers

Squiggy says:  “We sent Anthony to Rutgers.  I don’t know, I don’t think college is that important.  Look at me.  I never went to no college.  But the old lady insisted.  Anthony and his boys started doing some steroids and then some harder stuff.  They’d buy drugs and go to clubs and try to meet women.  They’s just boys being boys.  Anthony got real fucked up, though.  Now, he can’t even have a glass of vino with the family or he ends up down at the corner trying to buy the hard stuff.  I’ve kicked his ass a few times, but it don’t seem to matter.”

7.  Oregon

Betty says:  “Bob used to work 80 hours a week.  The lifestyle was killing him, so he quit his job and we moved up to the Pacific Northwest to live off the land.  Max was our only son, and we were so proud of him when he went to Oregon, but Max changed.  He lost a lot of weight.  He became a vegeterian, then a vegan.  I know he smoked a lot of pot, which was fine with us since we grow our own, but at some point he moved onto something harder.  We still love him to death, but we wish he’d move back in with us and let us start the healing process.”

8.  Penn State University

Mary says:  “Madison was such a sweet little girl, but once she got to Penn State, I didn’t know her anymore.  She started doing a lot of different drugs.  Ecstasy, cocaine, and now she’s addicted to painkillers.  She works in the athletic office and apparently she can get prescriptions anytime she wants.  I haven’t seen her in two years.  She’s still at Penn State.  I just want to see my daughter again.”

9.  University of California – Berkeley

Sunshine says:  “Our only son Levi went to Cal.  We were so proud of him and really thought that Cal would mold him into a fine young man with convictions.  Instead, he became a pothead.  He spends his evenings in coffee shops then goes to someone’s apartment and gets high every night.  He cares more about trees than human life.  Drugs are really ruining him.  His father and I knew when to stop.  Levi doesn’t have that self discipline.”

10.  Georgia

Jim Jack says:  “Logan followed in my footsteps and became a Georgia Bulldog.  I love Georgia.  Uga is the best mascot anywhere, and I really think Matthew Stafford is the best player in college football, except for maybe Knowshon.  I remember taking Logan to Bulldog games and showing him the dorm I lived in and my frat house and buying him football jerseys.  I was so proud of him.  Now, he’s just a worthless drug addict.  I’m so embarrassed one of my friends will find out.


14 comments on “Parents, Keep Your Kids Away from Illegal Drugs

  1. I can’t tell if this was supposed to be funny or if it’s the worst case of jourlaistic integrity that has ever appeared on a blog.
    Please let me know.

  2. I don’t think you can post anything funny about kids throwing their lives away by using illegal drugs. I would certainly condone any humor focused on a topic like that or 9-11.

  3. Thank you so much for taking the time to put together this list. I have a high school senior that was seriously considering Rutgers. Needless to say, it is now off the list. Thank goodness I found this blog.

    God Bless,

  4. Grateful –
    Your kids are doomed if you don’t chill out and let them live their lives. I did plenty of drugs in junior college and turned out just fine.

  5. I too did lots of drugs in college, mainly at Harvard where we only got the best weed and our cocaine was uncut from Ecuador. Good stuff. I was a little upset we didn’t make the list though; I will talk to some of my fellow alumnus about making sure the current student population does more snorting.

    Remember to vote.

  6. Deathburger,

    I just wanted to take a moment to see if you are ok? I mean feeling well, not your overall mental state. I ask because it’s been a lonely two weeks without you bashing TU or the Red Raiders. I really was waiting for an in-depth a$s chewing of Mike Leach for padding on the extra touchdown against the Ags (even though it did help me cover the spread and therefore pay my probation fees); or rip the T-Sips for getting every freaking call go their way against Mike “I’m a Man so come after me” Gundy’s Cowboys.

    But most of all, I miss your predictions.

    So, let me help you get back to your roots:

    Tech 51, UT 35

    Tech will then beat OSU and lose to OU. OU will win out so will TU. To settle the tie, Stoops, Leach and Macky Mack will cage fight.


  7. LeaveFranAlone,

    If there’s any kind of tie for the Big 12 South, I will guarantee you the league will not allow Texas Tech to play in the conference championship game. There’s too much at stake, like television ratings and the overall health of the Big 12. The Big 12 can’t risk having Texas Tech play in a marquee game like this. Seriously, they looked into moving Saturday’s game to Austin, but they just couldn’t justify it. That plan was scrapped almost immediately.

    The Horns or Sooners will be there to wipe the floor with some team from the north on December 6th.

  8. Dude, you think harvard had good stuff? You shoulda been with me at Yale. I did some of the finest nose candy dad’s money could buy. None of that compared to my trips down to East Texas tho. Whooo booy. I once did lines off a dead hooker’s tit. Then I gave her a smooth buttfucking.

  9. This is by far your best work to date. I love the “we went to Texas State and we are huge Longhorn fans”. Keep up the good work pissing all the others off. Your article has so much truth to it that it just has to hurt.

  10. Why do people keep commenting on the level of humor in this article? Do some people look to be entertained in matters of life and death?

    I do agree that there’s nothing funny about drug abuse.

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