Let’s face it, illegal drugs are a major problem for our great country. From the lives they ruin to the people murdered in Mexico and South America, drugs have to be the number one concern for parents these days. While most college students will be exposed to drugs at least once or twice during their college years, limiting this exposure will dramatically lessen the chance they will end up dead in the basement of a frat house or in state prison.
As a service to parents that are about to send their offspring to college, Hellspawned Javelinas has, through countless interviews and extensive research, come up with the ten worst schools to send your kids if you don’t want them to experiment heavily with drugs.
1. The University of Colorado – Boulder
Becky says: “Aiden was a bright kid and visited a lot of schools before he finally chose Colorado over Utah. He always loved skiing, and I thought that was why he went there. Then next thing I know, he pawned his skis and bought a snowboard. I actually saw him on television at a protest to legalize marijuana. His grandparents cut him out of the will.”
2. West Virginia University
Fred says: “I have nine kids and a wife. I drink my beer in a tavern. Mason was different than my other kids. He didn’t want to work in the coal mines all his life. We sent him to the university. Then next thing I know, he gets thrown in jail a couple of times for possessing drugs. I’m done with him. He can rot in hell for all I care.”
3. Arizona State University
Juanita says: “Piper was my little angel. We sent her to Arizona State. The next thing I know, she’s posing nude in calendars and in those ‘Girls that are Wild’ videotapes. She’s in rehab now. She became addicted to cocaine.
4. University of Wisconsin – Madison
Otto says: “Jackson was a great kid. He played soccer and hockey growing up and loved to wear sweaters. We sent him to Madison for an education. Somewhere along his junior year, he stopped eating brats and lost a lot of weight. I knew something was wrong with him but he just closed me out. Jackson became a meth addict. I blame the Wisconsin Badgers.”
5. University of Texas – Austin
Anne says: “My husband and I went to Texas State, so we were huge Longhorn fans. We were so happy when little Jayden transferred to UT. He ended up in a bad crowd. He would hang out and play Dungeons and Dragons and computer games with his friends and use drugs. He graduated, but has been unable to keep a job because of his addiction to drugs and online fantasy games. He moved back in with us. I wish he would get help. All of his friends also moved back in with their parents as well. We’ve started a support group where we have dinner at each others’ houses once a week. It’s a lot of fun.”
Squiggy says: “We sent Anthony to Rutgers. I don’t know, I don’t think college is that important. Look at me. I never went to no college. But the old lady insisted. Anthony and his boys started doing some steroids and then some harder stuff. They’d buy drugs and go to clubs and try to meet women. They’s just boys being boys. Anthony got real fucked up, though. Now, he can’t even have a glass of vino with the family or he ends up down at the corner trying to buy the hard stuff. I’ve kicked his ass a few times, but it don’t seem to matter.”
Betty says: “Bob used to work 80 hours a week. The lifestyle was killing him, so he quit his job and we moved up to the Pacific Northwest to live off the land. Max was our only son, and we were so proud of him when he went to Oregon, but Max changed. He lost a lot of weight. He became a vegeterian, then a vegan. I know he smoked a lot of pot, which was fine with us since we grow our own, but at some point he moved onto something harder. We still love him to death, but we wish he’d move back in with us and let us start the healing process.”
8. Penn State University
Mary says: “Madison was such a sweet little girl, but once she got to Penn State, I didn’t know her anymore. She started doing a lot of different drugs. Ecstasy, cocaine, and now she’s addicted to painkillers. She works in the athletic office and apparently she can get prescriptions anytime she wants. I haven’t seen her in two years. She’s still at Penn State. I just want to see my daughter again.”
9. University of California – Berkeley
Sunshine says: “Our only son Levi went to Cal. We were so proud of him and really thought that Cal would mold him into a fine young man with convictions. Instead, he became a pothead. He spends his evenings in coffee shops then goes to someone’s apartment and gets high every night. He cares more about trees than human life. Drugs are really ruining him. His father and I knew when to stop. Levi doesn’t have that self discipline.”
Jim Jack says: “Logan followed in my footsteps and became a Georgia Bulldog. I love Georgia. Uga is the best mascot anywhere, and I really think Matthew Stafford is the best player in college football, except for maybe Knowshon. I remember taking Logan to Bulldog games and showing him the dorm I lived in and my frat house and buying him football jerseys. I was so proud of him. Now, he’s just a worthless drug addict. I’m so embarrassed one of my friends will find out.