Thursday’s Tenuously-Titled Tailgate Tasting

Colorado: Buffalo Wings

“Buffalo” wings, get it?  ROTFMIMOVAF (rolling on the floor, masturbating in my own vomit and feces)!!!!!  It’s been a crazy past couple of weeks, so I’m a little behind on this.  I guess it could be called Thursday’s Tardy Tenuously-Titled Tailgate Tasting (T6).

This week, we’re going with three different wing recipes.  The good thing about wings is that you can throw together several different flavors at a tailgate because making wings essentially involves 1) frying them; and 2) coating them in sauce.  To make it easy on yourself, make the sauces the night before the game and transport them to your tailgate.  Here are the different flavors we’re using this week:

1. Gangbang Garlic

This flavor is inspired by the Buff’s effective use of no-holes-barred recruiting tactics.  There’s really no better way for an entire potential defensive backfield to bond than by simultaneously glazing the tonsils of a booze-addled coed.  To be young again…

Anyhow, here’s what you need – Wings without the tips and/or drummettes, 1 stick of butter, 4 cloves of minced fresh garlic, 3/4 or a cup of Louisiana Hot Sauce.

Put the butter in a saucepan over low heat and melt.  After that, increase the heat a tad and sweat the garlic in the butter for 5 to 10 minutes.  Stir in the hot sauce.   Bring to a boil and remove from heat. That’s your basic sauce.  Put it in a nonreactive container and cover until used.

To fry the wings, heat oil in a fryer to around 360 degrees.  Fry for around 12 minutes, or until the wings are a golden brown.  If you want a little crispiness to the wings, dredge them lightly in seasoned flower prior to frying.  After you take them out of the fryer, toss in the wing sauce.  At this point, they’re ready to serve.  Personally, I like putting them in the oven or a medium-hot part of the grill for a couple of minutes for the flavor to marry into the wing a little more.  Your call, though.

Serve with Ranch or Blue Cheese Dressing, napkins and beer.  All the positives about a gangbang without the unpleasantness of the ass-to-mouth experience.

2. Fifth Down Fire

Nothing epitomized the character of Promise Keeper Bill McCartney more than the way he handled the 5th down fiasco against Mizzouri.  Well, it’s either that or when they couldn’t figure out which player knocked up his daughter.  Regardless, these wings will leave a burning sensation in your craw, just like the CU/Mizzou game still causes tears in the eyes and uncontrollable dry heaving from Tiger fans.  You’ll have the same symptoms from the wings.

You’ll need – wings, 1 stick of butter, 3/4 a cup of Louisiana Hot Sauce, 1 habanero pepper (called “Scotch Bonnets” by complete fags), 1 fresh jalapeno pepper, 1 canned piquillo pepper.

Roast your habanero and jalapeno on a grill or in a broiler until the skin is blistered.  To get the skin off, put the peppers in a paper lunchbag and shake the hell out of them.  The skin will come right off.  Seed and roughly chop the peppers, discarding the seeds and seed stem (Optional: leave some seeds in if you want to add some more heat to the sauce).  Add the habanero, jalapeno and piquillo (roast a red bell pepper if you can’t find piquillos) to a food processor.  Add just a little canola to make sure it processes well, and pulse until it’s a paste.

Melt the butter in a saucepan, add the hot sauce and whisk in the pepper paste until incorporated.  Bring to a boil and remove from heat.  Add red pepper flakes for some extra heat and texture.

Fry the wings as described above and toss in the sauce.  Best served while wearing a religious-themed polo and weeping while stealing from your work.

3. Hnida Honeyhole BBQ

Just thinking of these wings makes me want to get a sweet, sticky mess coating my face and hands.  That’s one bird I wouldn’t mind eating raw.  HEY-OH!!!!

You’ll need – 3 tbsp butter, 1/2 of a 1015 onion diced, 10 ounces of BBQ sauce, 1 shot of whiskey, 1 tsp chili powder (ancho, preferably), 5 tbsp honey, 1 tbsp Louisiana Hot Sauce.

Melt the butter in a saucepan.  Increase the heat to medium and saute the onion until translucent.  Add the rest of the ingredients, bring to a boil and remove from heat.

Fry wings and toss in sauce as described above.  Enjoy the sweet goodness of this hot dish that has just a small little kick.

p.s. Fuck you, Colorado.



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