HSJ Safety Tips

Safety Tips from HSJ for Aggies Traveling to Austin on Thanksgiving

1.  Don’t go east of I35. You may have heard of terms like gentrification, but this side of the city is so far gone they are shutting high schools down over there because they are unsafe.  Most people that wander to the wrong side of 35 are never seen again.

2.  Avoid Congress Avenue. Congress will be safe for the corps march in at 1:00PM, but leave immediately after this.  The area is rampant with prostitutes and general squalor.  It will be sterilized around noon, but you want to get out of there as soon as possible.

3.  Please make sure you are properly immunized. You’ll need protection against TB, Polio, The Black Plague, Scarlet Fever, Shingles, Lice, and Montezuma’s Revenge.  Please start taking a dose of Pepto every day for at least three days before travelling to Austin.

4.  Don’t drink the water. Bring plenty of bottled water with you from out of town.  Don’t order drinks with ice.  Avoid all fruits, vegetables, and meats.

5.  Travel in packs. Don’t stray from your travel group under any circumstances.  Within your travel group, select a buddy and keep track of him or her throughout your entire stay in Austin.  Try carrying portable CB radios as the wireless phone infrastructure in Austin is substandard.  Carrying signal flares is also a good idea.

6.  If you stay overnight in Austin, block the hotel door with furniture from the room. We’ve all heard the rumors of kidneys or livers being taken from unsuspecting tourists.  Well, those things do happen in Austin.  It’s much safer to leave town and stay in Bastrop, Buda, or Georgetown.  If you have to stay in Austin, block the hotel door and sleep in shifts.

7.  Don’t interact with the locals. You can identify locals rather easily.  They will be wearing a dark, rusted yellowish puke colored shirt with a vaginal diagram.  Stay away from these people.  Most have a warped sense of reality, and a lot of them are carrying a devastating strain of the whooping cough.

8.  Be wary of downtown buildings. Several years ago, Austin constructed a number of new buildings downtown.  Well, the tech bust rendered these buildings useless. A lot of them are nothing more than high rise crack houses.  If walking downtown, be careful when walking by these buildings.  Drug addicts might attack you.

9.  Be careful with your car.  The odds are your car will get keyed, stolen, or vandalized in some manner.  Take your most expendable car.  If you are in a rental car, please purchase the optional insurance and tell the rental agent that you will be driving the car to Austin.  Try to park in a guarded lot or pay someone to watch your car.  Of course, make sure your insurance is up to date and your anti-theft device is in working order.

10.  Look for riots or public unrest. As you approach the city, park on the side of the road on some high ground and scan the city with binoculars.  If you notice multiple fires or hear sirens from several different locations, turn around and drive home.  It’s not worth entering the war zone and risking your life if you don’t have a reason to fight.  You can also circle the city and enter from another direction if it appears the civil unrest is located in one part of the city.

Be careful, Ags, and let’s beat the hell outta t.u.



3 comments on “HSJ Safety Tips

  1. Death, you left off one. Don’t ever, and I mean every, take a local gal to your hotel room as it could be a he in drag, a she who is a trasvestite, or just a horn fan.

    If you have to pick, pick one of the first two.

  2. You forgot to mention this: bring your own oxygen. When you get to the Travis County line, pull over immediately and put on the oxygen mask. Austin has communal crack pipes placed at strategic locations to insure that Austin residents maintain a constant satisfied incoherence. Visitors who don’t bring oxygen often find themselves starting to like the squalor for reasons they don’t understand. This is why.

    Also: Soylent Green is people. Stay out of Austin restaurants if you can can.

  3. Another one:

    If you drop a quarter in downtown Austin, kick it towards the closest brick wall. Face your back end as close to the wall as possible before picking it up.

    Gotta protect your corn hole where crows live in flocks, if you catch my drift.

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