As we prepare to give thanks for our food and for not being t-sips, we here at HSJ pause to reflect on a few vexxing questions. As well, we welcome new HSJ member, El Thrill, to the fold.
What is your favorite Thanksgiving memory?
Deathburger – The year the Great Pilgrim chose my rock patch as the most sincere.
Cameron00 – Basting my turkey in a freshmen cheerleader’s oven back in high school.
Dean Mortimer – The ice game versus UT, I was a student at the time.
King Puppy – I learned to jerk off a couple days before Thanksgiving several years back. My cousin Tammy brought a smoking hot friend who was sporting a well-filled reindeer sweater. In the lull between the Cowboys’ game and Lions’ game, I shuffled off and successfully emptied my gravy boat in the pool house out back. Man, my sophomore year at A&M was great.
El Thrill – Kirk Elder-Fran Jumping Back Bump. If Bill Bradford could have seen the future, he might have climbed right back on that wooden ship.
Bhang Pao – Playing “spin the pope’s nose” with Kathy Plowman in her Northside dorm rooom.
Higher Authority – As a kid, there was nothing better than going to my grandfather’s house for Thanksgiving with all of our family. After the meal, the kids would go out to play football, and it usually ended up with someone getting hurt so the rest of us would get to laugh at them for crying, and there’s nothing funnier than a little kid crying. I think we can all be thankful for that.
If you could beat the shit out of one former t-sip player, who would it be and why?
Richard23 – Why even bother asking the question. The answer is Chrissy Simms, the flagship of tsip elitism, arrogance, entitlement, and gayness.
Deathburger – Stan Thomas. In fact, I shot him in the head once, but it didn’t seem to hurt him too bad. I’m glad John Ellisor kicked his ass on Padre Island.
Cameron00 – I don’t fancy myself the violent type, but I’d like to snipe Chris Simms’ ballsack from afar with a .223. He doesn’t use them anyway.
Dean Mortimer – Major Applewhite due to his sideline taunting of NU players when they beat them in Lincoln.
King Puppy – Ron Weaver/Ron McKelvey – Because he’s 64 by now. Only the sips could get off scot-free of a guy with multiple identities just strolling in and joining the team. Of course, he’d probably start for the Ags this year.
El Thrill – Cat Osterman
Bhang Pao – Brit Hager, because he’s douche guzzler
Higher Authority – It’s a tie between Kerry and Keith Cash, the former twin brothers who formed the WR/TE duo at t.u. back in the late 80’s/early 90’s. Actually, I don’t see how this is even a contest as all Aggies should hate these two as much as Bevo herself.
What preparations should Sherman make for the sip game?
Richard23 – Something similar to what they taught schoolkids to do in the 1950’s to prepare for an attack from Russia. Although I’m not sure he would fit under a desk.
Deathburger – He needs to work on his “get your licks in now” post game quotes just in case we get outscored.
Cameron00 – If I were him, I’d sedate myself heavily enough to wake up a week later when the fan anger has simmered a bit.
Dean Mortimer – Iron sweatshirts; Post game police escort for Heard and Bennett; Condoms for Lane
King Puppy – There’s a secluded handicap restroom in DKR that’s perfect for naps before the game. Sherman found it in ‘90 and didn’t tell anyone else on the staff because he didn’t want anyone else discovering his own personal Bridge to Terabithia. It’s a tightrope act for Sherms to try to find the restroom again without tipping his hand of the location of this honey hole.
El Thrill – Engage in a game of prank roulette with Champ McGee. Perhaps have Chris Caflisch play the roll of Dancing Screach? And most importantly, practice that jumping back bump with Travis Schneider. That thing needs to be crisp.
Bhang Pao – Every disguised blitz known to man.
Higher Authority – I’m completely convinced that it doesn’t matter at all what Sherman does for the next four years. We could lose every game and he’d still have a job. However, for the game he should shoot for big pass plays on t.u. and try to get some pressure on McCoy to knock the ball away on his scramble. You see, he holds the ball out when he scrambles in the pocket. It doesn’t matter, though. Job security is a mother fucker in college football.
What changes, if any, should be made in the coaching staff and why?
Richard23 – Any changes would be good.
Deathburger – Sherman needs to lose a few pounds and Kines needs to lose a few years.
Cameron00 – Sherman needs a tummy tuck. Kines could use one of those scooters from The Scooter Store to get around practice more efficiently.
Dean Mortimer – Replace Cromwell, Doll and Wyatt with lights out recruiters
El Thrill – I’d like to see Cromwell go with a side spike as opposed to the all over spike. And I’d like to see Sherman part that baby right down the middle. Other than that, I feel really good about the overall direction of the program.
Bhang Pao – Replace some marginal old army coaches with some superior young recruiters with no ties to A&M. aka Build for the future.
What do you think are some of the t-sip Thanksgiving family traditions?
Richard23 – Tofu turkey, bash the founders day for what they did to the indigenous population, show up late/wear orange/drink heavily/and leave early.
Deathburger – I like the one where one of the moms in the family christens her very own Indian corn, except they call it Native American corn. The one where the family sits down for dinner just as mom finishes cutting the Quiche Lorraine is a good one, too.
Cameron00 – I’m not familiar with Pagan holidays.
Dean Mortimer – Wine pairings with various dishes; Giving Thanks for being able to give thanks; Mall shopping
El Thrill – Buttfucking stuff.
Bhang Pao – Two guys and a Mac doll.
Higher Authority – I was always taught that a t-sip Thanksgiving holiday is a lot like Passover is for Jews, except the sips put out a goblet of gravy for Madeline Murray O’Hare who comes to drink the gravy and bring protection from Jesus. Then they all have a satanic séance while the women sit around all not-showered while wearing really earthy clothes while ending all of their sentences like they are asking a question with an inflection that goes up instead of normal talk (“I don’t [go up] wear makeup per se…”). In the meantime, all the men in the family gay out and start having sex with each other while shouting out “Hook ‘Em”. Then they watch the Cowboys on tv on mute while listening to the Spanish broadcast on the radio, however none of them actually speak Spanish…they just want to APPEAR more cultured. I’m pretty sure this is universal.
How many turkeys can Bill Byrne eat in a single sitting?
Richard23 – The question should be: How many turkey’s can Bill Byrne hire for one coaching position?
Deathburger – I think Bill is more of a turkey leg type of dude. He likes to chew on turkey legs, but don’t we all.
Cameron00 – I don’t really know or care, but he’s evidently tried to figure that out himself on numerous occasions recently.
Dean Mortimer – Bill Byrne is a vegan.
El Thrill – If by Turkeys, you mean pure pork lard formed into a bird looking type thing–I’d say 12. He’s an Ag’s Ag.
You are in College Station for Thanksgiving and you have to go eat at a restaurant by yourself. Where do you go and what do you order? Restaurants that are no longer open count as well.
Deathburger – You can’t go wrong with a deathburger at Chicken Oil Company. Billy once told me that if he wasn’t so drunk by dinnertime, he’d eat there every night.
Cameron00 – Sbisa, cereal bar.
Dean Mortimer – Martin’s Place for the Aggie Special
King Puppy – Sadly enough, this is an actual weekly occurrence for me. I’ll go with the Fox & Hound because I always end up there, staring wistfully at the booth where Billy Clyde befouled many a coed. Bittersweet times, indeed.
El Thrill – I’d like to split one last order of Tijuana Fries with Don Ganter. An Aggie Pioneer. RIP. And I’d like to have a little dessert over at Kim’s corner.
Bhang Pao – Chicken Flautas at La Taqueria.
Higher Authority – Pepe’s. Tacos, burritos, and their chips and salsa. Maybe one of those apple burritos for dessert.
What are you thankful for this year?
Deathburger – I’m thankful for the fall in gas prices, my pet cat, John Mackovic’s advice on wines, the Lower Colorado River Authority, and Josh Hamilton’s and Jeff VanVonderon’s escapes from addiction. I’m thankful that I live in the United States of America but not in Alabama. I’m thankful for my family, and the strength they give me, and for Bo Outlaw sending athletes to A&M in the past.
Richard23 – The privilege of being thankful.
Cameron00 – The season is finally over.
Dean Mortimer – The Aggieyell Minute was very helpful during the end of my wife’s pregnancy.
King Puppy – Family, good health, Jesus, some primo blow my pal, Julio, scored, & Tim Cassidy.
Bhang Pao – Lack of TV coverage.
Higher Authority – This picture I found of LeeLee Sobieski.
It’s another season in the books, HSJ fans, and we are yet another year away from being a year away from another good year. Don’t forget to floss, wear rubbers, and Beat The Hell Outta t.u.