Big 12 South Coaches Speak the Truth

Basketball is over and spring football is winding down. In the era of early recruiting, midterm graduates, scholarship limitations, and strict practice time allowances, spring football has become more important than ever. We sent correspondents to every Big 12 school to get each coach’s expectations for spring ball and the upcoming season.

Unfortunately, the interviews consisted of mostly boring coachspeak. We were given uninteresting nuggets like these:

“There’s no reason the best players in this state shouldn’t be considering living in Waco for the four or five years.”

“I wouldn’t trade our incoming class with any other in this conference.”

“Stillwater is a great place to live.”

Not only were the answers boring, a lot of them were straight out lies. We regrouped and sent correspondents back to interview each of the coaches. This time, we took with us a syringe filled with sodium thiopental, better known as truth serum. With the truth serum in their systems, the coaches seemed to talk in a stream of consciousness dialogue.

Here is a brief rundown of what each coach is really thinking about going into spring practice:

Art Briles, Head Coach of the Baylor Bears since 2008
Sure, I would’ve gone to Texas Tech if Leach had left. I’m not stupid. I really think I can get a better gig than that, though, if I can get us into a bowl game this year. Our quarterback is great, and he’s our offense. He’ll be our leading rusher this year. I’m going to make him do everything. If he gets hurt, we’re up the creek. Our uniforms are ugly. I puke at halftime during most of our home games. I hate our students.

Bob Stoops, Head Coach of the Oklahoma Sooners since 1999

Sure, I lose big games. The only one we won was because we were double digit underdogs and we surprised them a bit. We pay players. We’ve been busted, so that shouldn’t be an issue anymore. I’m not very smart, but I can get my players to play hard against inferior competition. I love the state of Texas. I don’t really like Oklahoma, but I’m only a 40 minute flight from Dallas. I’m getting sick and tired of Norman and I want out of here.

Mike Gundy, Head Coach of the Oklahoma State Cowboys since 2005

Defense doesn’t win football games. Boone Pickens likes me, so my job is safe, but I always have to run over to his house and talk to his friends. It’s like I’m his dog, or something. I think Boone has some mental problems. He donated all this money to our program, but his junk bonds crashed and now we can’t even get uniforms except for ones that have slanted fonts. We’re so high school. I’m thankful I have a job, though, where my temper and lack of social awareness don’t hamper me in any way. We have cell phone service in Stillwater, now.

Mack Brown, Head Coach of the Texas Longhorns since 1998
I deserve all the praise I get. I am Mr. February. I am Mr. Football. The thing is, I want everyone to like me. I’m really happy we won the conference last year. Otherwise, they would have forced me out let that Will guy take over. You know, that’s only the second time I’ve ever won a conference championship. All my assistant coaches except the fat guy know more about football than I do. I love living in Austin, but I really don’t like hippies or bongo drums. Half of my team should be in jail, but we do a good job of controlling the police. We have the best lawyers.

Mike Sherman, Head Coach of the Texas A&M Aggies since 2008

We have to get better. We need better linebackers, better line play on both sides of the ball, we need to find a tight end. I’ve tried twenty players at tight end, and they can all do something well, but not everything. I’m thankful I coach at a great university, and we will turn this thing around. The tide is turning, and I expect to be here for a long time. We will have success. I prefer Ding Dongs to Little Debbie snack cakes.

Mike Leach, Head Coach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders since 2000
I’m frustrated as hell. Every year I throw my name in the hat, and no one ever wants to hire me. I don’t like people. I don’t like my own players, and I hate it in Lubbock. Do you have any idea what the it’s like to live through dust storm after dust storm? I know I drink too much and that I rub people the wrong way, but it seems like a school like Clemson or Auburn or UCLA would hire me. About my team, we don’t have the talent or the intelligence to just line up and beat people. Our school is about to lose its accreditation. It’s all about tricking people. We don’t play real football.


One comment on “Big 12 South Coaches Speak the Truth

  1. What does it say about A&M that a coach who hates his job, in a crappy town, with stupid, untalented players can win 10 of 13 against you? That must be hard to live with. Especially when A&M is entitled to be a top program like you think they are.

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