Eight Aggies Interviewed

Deathburger went on the road and interviewed eight Aggies around the country. He kept it simple and just asked the five same questions to each Aggie. Here are the answers:


CAMERON

What is your name? Pete, but my Indian name is Deer Pissing in an Auto Salvage Yard.

Where did you go to school? I went to Cameron, in Oklahoma.

What was one of your best memories from college? I was working at my dad’s auto salvage yard, and some of my college buddies came by, and we stuffed 11 of us into the cab of a wrecked Ford F150. For the last three days, I’d been eating possum because that’s what we had. I had one of those liquid farts, you know, the kind where stuff comes out. And there were so many of us stuffed in that Ford, that we couldn’t get out for like half an hour. My friend Neil, or, as we call him at the reservation, Meth Lab on Fire, actually threw up on Sally, whose name is really Family Dumping their Trash in a Lake. She actually went to OU, but spent her weekends at Cameron because it was more fun.

What does your college mean to you? It just means that I’m smarter than everyone I grew up with. They know it. I’m not a dumbass. I went to college.

What does being an Aggie mean to you? It means an opportunity to someday run my own auto salvage yard. I’d make my family proud if I could somehow collect enough wrecked cars and buy some cheap land and start my own auto salvage yard.

DELAWARE VALLEY

What is your name? Paula Spencer

Where did you go to school? Delaware Valley in Pennsylvania

What was one of your best memories from college? My mother was a butter churner and my father was a miscellaneous laborer. So, one weekend, we went to a Penn State football game. Since I knew how, I churned some butter and we spread it out on a slip and slide. Well, Joe Paterno, he coaches Penn State football and I think he’s blind, walked over our slip and slide and he fell and broke a hip. Well, this Sigma Chi guy came up to my part time job at the factory the next week and took me out of there kissing me. Everyone was yelling, “Way to go Paula.” Anyway, he didn’t want to marry me or nothing, he was just thanking me for getting Joe of the sidelines because he said the old man embarrassed the hell out of him.

What does your college mean to you? It was great. I was able to get away from my parents and discovered things about myself that I never knew existed.

What does being an Aggie mean to you? I don’t understand the question.

NEW MEXICO STATE

What is your name? Eduardo Fernandez de Castro Diaz

Where did you go to school? New Mexico State University

What was one of your best memories from college? I was able to get a job mowing lawns for the rental houses around the school. Since I wasn’t able to go to class much, I appreciate the school for giving me passing grades so I could remain here. Even though I wasn’t here legally, if I kept my grades above failing they let me stay. I sent all my money home to my parents in Mexico. I want to stay here working my whole life and send all my money to my family.

What does your college mean to you? My financial aid allowed me to buy my first lawnmower. New Mexico State means everything to me.

What does being an Aggie mean to you? I don’t understand the question. What is an Aggie?

NORTH CAROLINA A&T

What is your name? Melvin Watkins III

Where did you go to school? North Carolina A&T

What was one of your best memories from college? This one time, we were playing pickup basketball at this place where there weren’t a lot of trees, and we just didn’t pass the ball. We stopped playing defense and just decided to shoot when we felt like it. Plus, we were all dressed sharp. We looked good, man.

What does your college mean to you? It means a lot. I mean, it’s cool. It’s not as cool as being a Wolfpack, but it’s cool.
What does being an Aggie mean to you? I learned to dress nice. Aggies dress nice. Half of the battle is looking good. If you look good, you don’t even have to fight half of time.

PANHANDLE STATE

What is your name? Empty Bottle of Vodka

Where did you go to school? Panhandle State in Oklahoma

What was one of your best memories from college? I went to see my buddy, Chain Smoker, in Stillwater one night, and we went to a football game. We met Boone Pickens. He was a nice man, but after talking to him my wallet was gone. I think he pick-pocketed me. I started asking other Oklahoma State people, and they just laughed. Apparently, you need to watch your money around that man because he’s going to steal everything he can. I still had a good time, though, because I fucked a co-ed that was stupider than anyone I’ve ever met.

What does your college mean to you? It meant an opportunity to be in the skinniest part of Oklahoma. I could leave in either direction at any time.

What does being an Aggie mean to you? I don’t understand the question.

UC DAVIS

What is your name? Dusty Smith

Where did you go to school? UC Davis

What was one of your best memories from college? Dude, we would hit the farmer’s market on Saturday nights. Sometimes we’d bring some grapes or oranges or strawberries or whatever, but usually we’d just try to hook up with women and take them down to the beach for a bonfire.

What does your college mean to you? Dude, best five years of my live.

What does being an Aggie mean to you? It means living off the land. We are what makes this country self sufficient.

UTAH STATE

What is your name? Ned Johnson

Where did you go to school? Utah State

What was one of your best memories from college? One time, a bunch of my friends and me went to IHOP, and we watched as they refused to serve some people that obviously didn’t belong in Utah. It was great. I’m so proud to be from Utah.

What does your college mean to you? It means a lot. I got married while I was in college. I met my wife my first day at college. We have six kids and may have some more. Life is good.

What does being an Aggie mean to you? It means I’ll be hapy, it means I’ll always have a network backing me up, and it means I’m superior to just about everyone else out there. Aggies Rock!

TEXAS A&M

What is your name? Billy Jack Foster

Where did you go to school? Texas A&M University

What was one of your best memories from college? Receiving my Aggie ring was the greatest day of my life.

What does your college mean to you? It meant everything. I already have a will where I’m leaving everything to Texas A&M. I’ve purchased an Aggie casket. I’ll be an Aggie forever. Aggies are the greatest people ever.

What does being an Aggie mean to you? Everything. The biggest compliment I can get is that I’m an Aggie. If I meet someone and find out he or she isn’t an Aggie, I know that person is not as good as I am. Aggies are the best. Gig ‘em.

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