There are countless things to love about college football. It’s the only sport where people can still make millions of dollars using “amateur” student-athletes. We love the pageantry and tradition of college sports, and anyone who tries to say anything bad about our particular team is met with furious backlash because we take it so personally.
As great as college football may be, however, there are a few things to hate about the sport. We here at HSJ Central would like to outline a few of the individuals in the sport that are really easy to hate. Note: we didn’t look at only players for this, as college football is comprised of many different jerkoff individuals performing many hateable functions that make college football so dear to our hearts. Therefore, without further adieu or however it’s spelled, we give you:
The Most Hateable People in College Football Today
Colt McCoy, t.u. Golden Boy
Obvious choice, maybe too obvious, but the mustache pushes him up beyond previous levels of douchebaggery. Rumors swirl that his family may or may not be writing a book about how great he is and about all of the championships he has won so far. Has a beautiful girlfriend, which in Austin is referred to as a “Fag Hag”. Is known to save burning babies from drowning in lakes that may or may not be more than 18 inches deep. Has a tendency to get “injured” only when his team is losing.
Lee Corso, ESPN Gameday Host
Is the Big And Rich theme song the biggest asswhip of the ESPN Gameday presentation? Not so fast my friend. He’s a former-shit coach turned shit-pencil salesman who apparently is a bit of a dickhead in real life with a very shallow sense of humor. Gets sympathy points for having a stroke and saying, “Give me that tiger” on the opening Gameday show in 2009 before he put on the Bama elephant head. Is close friends with raging lunatic, Bobby Knight, as they both coached at Indiana together, as well as Burt Reynolds, as they played at Florida State and both posed nude in a magazine.
Brandon Carter, Texas Tech OL/Hot Topic Shopper
Watches the movie “The Program” and masturbates furiously during the Lattimer scenes. Is considered a fierce competitor by his wingnut coach, however was suspended for twisting off after Tech’s last minute loss to Cougar High. Was obviously confused by Tech’s jersey design and bassboat helmet sparkles, thinking he was playing for an XFL team. Should get tons of job offers after college by all those high powered Tech business leaders around the country looking for a goth kid to sit in the corner and scare people at Halloween parties while passing out popcorn balls on a tray.
Dennis Erickson, Arizona St Head Coach
Aggies don’t lie, cheat, or steal nor do they tolerate those who do, so by default we can’t tolerate this guy. Notably coached the Idaho Vandals twice, the second time for only a season before leaving for Arizona State following a barn-burning 4-8 season. One of his high school buddies is strip club aficionado, Mike Price, who replaced Franchione at Alabama and amassed a stunning 0-0 record before getting fired for paying a prostitute with a university credit card. Known to be a complete dickhead to just about everyone who doesn’t give him money, Erickson was somehow able to make Miami even more thuggier than it was before he got there. Joins Bob Stoops as “Coaches Who Piss Me Off For Not Having A Top Lip”.
Byron Hout, Boise St. Shit Talker
Likes to celebratorily taunt his opponents but has a glass jaw. Wears a Loverboy headband.
Nick Saban, Alabama Head Coach/Capo Regime
A man allowed to operate outside the law in the SEC. If he coached in any other conference, he would be incarcerated by now. Rick Neuheisal is Baby Jesus compared to Nick Saban. LSU fans loved him because he brought them a championship, but will now hate him as he does the same at Alabama which, per his contract, states should be done “by any means necessary (hint, hint)”.
Jimmy Clausen, Notre Dame Quarterback
This picture. Jesus Touchdown Christ, that guy’s a fruit.
Joe Paterno, Octogenarian Penn St Head Coach
You know, we try to keep my 90 year old grandfather away from people. He says inappropriate things, things he wouldn’t have said years ago. The daily embarrassments he causes us prohibits us from allowing him to be around other people of sound minds. Penn State should take a good, hard look at the damage Joe is doing to their football team and their national image. I bet you would hear a collective sigh of relief in Pennsylvania if they just moved Paterno straight into an assisted care living facility.
The Sooner Band
I’m sure it’s by design, but hearing that same fucking song over and over makes me want to murder anyone who has less than 25 teeth. Granted, living in a state that restricts beer from being more than 0.10% alcohol would make anyone mental and/or fuck their cousin. It’s not even an original song…they stole it from an old goofy Yale song called “Boola Boola”, however people from Oklahoma are known thieves so no one says anything.
Jevan Snead, Ole Miss/Former sip Quarterback
Normally, we try to keep our Down Syndrome jokes to one per article, but Jevan only has a touch of the Down’s so we’ll let it slide. Originally committed to Florida in high school, he switched his commitment after a recruiting trip to Austin netted him three whole Snickers bars and a ride on a horsey (weeee!). However, after filling in as a true freshman in 2007 for the “injured” Colt McCoy (please see above about McCoy faking an injury when he is losing), he threw a single pass in the Texas A&M game, resulting in a game-sealing interception to Aggie War Hero and model American, Mark Dodge.* Embarrassed of his sissy teammate as well as his decision to play for a morally bankrupt coach, he transferred to play in Oxford under noted Longhorn hater, Houston Nutt, however playing a single down (resisted a third Down Syndrome joke) for Texas forever taints his legacy as a player. Wears a size 9 1/2 helmet.
* – Note: It was pointed out that Mark Dodge didn’t actually intercept Jevan Snead’s pass in the Texas-A&M game. However, we don’t mind giving credit to Mark Dodge because he’s such a great American.