Why Mike Sherman is Coaching the Texas Aggies

A few years ago, when it was universally decided that Dennis Franchione had had enough time to turn around the Fightin’ Texas Aggie football program, various factions of Aggie money started trying to get their guy into College Station to take over the team. Ultimately, this is the athletic director’s decision, but sometimes outside forces can play a big part in major decisions like this.

Bill Callahan was eliminated from consideration by the big money Aggies, so Bill Byrne was given four other names by various Aggie groups with money: RC Slocum, Mike Sherman, Steve Spurrier, and Nick Saban. All four of those coaches had a handshake deal in place to leave their current jobs and bolt to College Station. In RC’s case, he would simply move to a bigger office.

The only criteria Bill had to compare the candidates was a Rorschach Ink Blot Test. Here are the answers the four candidates gave, and this may explain why Mike Sherman is A&M’s football coach.

First Blot:

Nick Saban: That’s how I see myself. I have two faces looking in different directions. One says one thing, and the other says another thing.

RC Slocum: Well, that looks like a big ol’ bowl of ice cream with a piece of a waffle in the middle.

Steve Spurrier: It looks like a pair of wolves ready to eat something. Nice.

Mike Sherman: I see a welcome mat for all donors to come on down to my office and talk football anytime.

Second Blot

Nick Saban: Hey, that looks like me, again. I see my eyes and nose and that’s pretty cool. Did someone pay me to use my face in these tests?

RC Slocum: That there is a two person butter churner. See, it has two of those levers so you can make butter faster.

Steve Spurrier: Two monsters have climbed to the top of the world to eat the forbidden fruit. Only one monster will win. Man, I love that picture.

Mike Sherman: That’s a distorted map of Kyle Field. Look at the top of that picture and you’ll see the football offices. You guys feel free to stop by anytime. We could even have some drinks after practice.

Third Blot

Nick Saban: Those are those two sorority girls that carry the game film up to my office every week.

RC Slocum: I love me some banana bread pudding. You can’t get good banana bread pudding everywhere, so I really like this picture.

Steve Spurrier: It looks like the face of the demon glaring me down. That’s nice and all, but let’s see who wins the fight.

Mike Sherman: It kind of looks like a map to me. See, you can either take Highway 6 or 290 to get to College Station in no time, and we can have dinner catered in my office.

Fourth Blot

Nick Saban: That looks just like me when I was a little kid. I used to wear capes around and my mom told me I was Superman.

RC Slocum: That looks like a durn good chicken fried steak. I like my chicken fried steak with a lot of gravy.

Steve Spurrier: That’s a middle linebacker holding up his hands telling the defense the call will come based on the offense’s movements. I teach my quarterbacks to go on an early count when they see this kind of thing. The defense is waiting to shift, and even if you run it right into the strength of the defense, they aren’t ready for it.

Mike Sherman: That looks like a nice host or a greeter or some other friendly person. I’ll hire someone like that to show important Aggies up to my office for coffee and even a glance at some game film. Friendly people are great to have around.

Fifth Blot

Nick Saban: Hey, man, that’s what I would look like if I were a horse. These pictures all look like me. This is cool.

RC Slocum: That looks like my stock pond I have over at my house. We have some bass in there that have gotten pretty dang big. Of course, if you come fishing me, remember, that only one person can catch the biggest fish, and I have a rod and reel just like you do.

Steve Spurrier: Enough of this bullshit test. Ask me about football.

Mike Sherman: That looks like a fake owl I’ll put on top of the football offices to keep pigeons away. When I have visitors, like the governor, for instance, I don’t want him to be inconvenienced in any way, including having to deal with pigeon messes.

Conclusion

Bill Byrne was given just sketchy information and was under a time crunch. Four different groups were pressuring him in different ways, and all he had to go by was this ink blot test. I hope he made the right decision. The jury is still out.

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One comment on “Why Mike Sherman is Coaching the Texas Aggies

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