All The Answers With HSJ

From time to time, we’ll throw the doors open to HSJ Central and let members of our favorite Aggie message board,, ask us questions.  Normally, we make it a strict rule not to associate while these fellers except on gamedays, but this is a chance for them to ask questions that some of our readers out in HSJLand may be wondering, too.  If you have a question that you’d like for us to address, simply join’s premium service and wait around until next year when we foolheartedly decide to do this again.

Note:  Questions are asked by those individuals highlighted in maroon.  If they asked more than one question, those are all added under the same handle unless we just got tired of formatting, in which case they’ll just show up randomly throughout the article.  On board for Answers this week, we have Dean Mortimer (DM), King Puppy (KP), Deathburger (DB) and Higher Authority (PW).



Which Big 12 coach has the most disturbing condition and why?

a. Mangino’s weight
b. Ruffin’s FUPA
c. Mack’s herpes
d. Stoops no upper lip
e. Gundy’s gelled spiked hair
f. Leach’s love of booze and odd analogies
g. Pelini’s “I have the IQ of a 10 yr old” face
h. Boston Mike’s northeastern accent

 HA – Bob Stoops’ lack of a top lip is well documented on the Internet and in Presidential Libraries across the state of Oklahoma (Note:  HAHAHAHA…Oklahoma could never produce a President worthy of a library).  The most disturbing of all of these is Mark Mangino’s weight, and it’s not for the reason you think.  He knows football really well and if he were 150lbs lighter he would be coaching at a real school and not some basketball training camp for illiterates.  The NCAA needs to take a hard look at the discriminatory hiring practices of its member institutions and why a good man like Mangino is forced to coach in a wasteland like Lawrence, Kansas.

KP – Gundy’s hair.  It’s bizarre that this isn’t in the national spotlight more.  I’m surprised Fox hasn’t gotten Jim Knox to do a focus piece on it.

DB – It’s gotta be Mangina.  Kansas has to bus in a special toilet for him in road games.  When Kansas is playing somewhere, and you see a large 18 wheeler, the truck is there with a piano sized granite toilet seat just so Mangino can cleanse his colon.  There’s a rumor out there that he only has to do the number two once every three or four months, and that storage of fecal matter makes up 45% of his weight. 

DM – Paul Rhoads gamma radiation.


Who would win a fight to the death, Von Miller or John Roper (assume both are in their prime)?

 HA – I’d give the edge to Roper in a hand-to-hand simply because I don’t want to do any research on the subject.  However, I will say that Von Miller has the Mike Singletary fat glasses thing going on in his profile picture on the website, and that’s about as oldschool-brother badass as you can get.

DB – Roper would win.  Von would win any other contest between the two, but Roper would win a hand-to-hand combat assuming both were twenty years old.

DM – Roper would win because he would do anything to get that win. He would do something dirty. Today’s youth is soft.

I would like to hear your prediction on who the next 5 star football player to commit to A&M will be?

 HA – Craig Loston

 KP – Martellus Bennett, Jr.

 DB – You need to develop players.  Five stars are window dressing. 

Are these questions pre-determine or pre-destined?

HA – Neither.

 DM – yes.

Who is the better QB: Cart McCoy or Jerrod Johnson, and why?

HA – It depends on your system.  They both have their faults (JJ has poor mechanics, McCoy has a tendency to be a flaming homosexual).  If you are looking for a QB who can come in, fire up the players around him, win games all on his own, and do the things that it takes to build a struggling program into a contender then JJ is your man.  If you need a QB who wasn’t that great in high school, but whose family is a bunch of media whores, satisfied with being used as a PR tool while being plugged into a system that makes him look far better than he actually is and make what very little talent he actually possesses look serviceable because you’ve surrounded him with the best players money can buy, then McCoy is your man.  All depends on your system.

 KP – Jerrod.  He’s putting up fantastic numbers behind a horrendous line.  The knock on JJ is that he’s gotten overwhelmed a couple of times, but I think he’s going to be fine.

DB – I’m not sure, but I know for a fact that JJ has not blown or never will blow Brent Musberger.

DM – I read something like 60% of Colt’s throws are for 5 yards or less, he lets the receiver make the play. 50% or so are just to Jordan Shipley. Jerrod likes to go downfield, and he does it well. They have different strengths, but Jerrod is more productive with less talent around him.

A Scottish Proverb goes “he who would eat the fruit must climb the tree”, how far is A&M away from eating the fruit?

HA – As a general rule, we don’t discuss eating fruits on HSJ, Nancy. 

DB – Apples are okay, HA.  We’ll play in Oregon in about five years.  We’ll revisit this question then.

DM – Honeycrisp apples have changed my life. And I get them free through USAA’s health maintenance program. A&M can’t even walk on grass much less climb trees, so lets hope the proverb isn’t literal.

What went on at Mike Leach’s 2:00 am coaches meeting following the A&M beat down of Tech?

HA – He’s a deeply devout Mormon, so I’m sure he did a lot of soul searching and praying.  Possibly engaged in a polygamous marriage ritual.  Possibly called Warren Jeffs’ remaining cult members to see if there were any 14-year-olds he could line up for the holiday season to “help out around the house”.  You know…basic Mormon stuff.

DB – He drank a lot and passed out.  Ho-hum.  Another game, another set of pissed stained black pants and another carpet ruined by vomit.  Same thing, win or lose.

DM – Leach forced the coaches to eats roasted pieces of his flesh so they “could gain his strength”. He then stared at one of those drinking bird toys for 45 minutes while forcing his staff to sit in silence.

Why can’t we play with 12 men on the field ala the 12th man tradition?

HA – Because that is against the rules.

DB – Fran tried it his last game against Oklahoma, but it didn’t work.

DM – Aggies do not lie, cheat, or steal. And we need no advantages.

 Mr 25 eight
With Iowa coming into Kyle as a Top 10 team, what are the chances of back to back upsets for the Ags?

HA – Unfortunately, I don’t see A&M beating Iowa this week.  However, Deathburger may do a full game preview for that.  Good question.

DB – The Hawkeyes are an excellent team considering they come from a dying part or our country.

DM – I never consider an Ag win an upset.

Walter Peck
Should Billy Pickard ever pass (God forbid), would it be more feasible to re-animate or clone him and why?

HA – Are you INSANE?!?  You do realize that he can read, right?  And you used your real name!  It’s all over for you, dude.

 KP – Redacted

DM – You’re already looking at reanimated Pickard.

Who was the ‘pitcher’ and who was the ‘catcher’ at the hotel after Cart and Bradford had their game of ping pong, horse, and general homo teabagging contest on Gameday?

HA – I guess this is some sort of ham-handed attempt to say that Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are gay lovers.  Look, just because they act like gay lovers on tv doesn’t mean that they really are.   I mean…I’m sure that Colt asked Sam to mess around with him, but that’s not the type of stuff that Sam Bradford is into.  He’s more into getting used by his no-top-lip-having coach to come back to a team that had little if any chance of being any better than they were the year before while risking injury that would cost him MILLIONS of dollars in the NFL draft.  That seems to be what Sam’s into.

Bill Byrne has many incentive based bonuses in his contract, but it appears they neglected a win over tceh in football. Should he get a raise to cure the oversight?

 DM – Oh, Byrne got a raise outta the game alright – one that prevented him from standing up for a good 30 minutes!! He’s just excited to think about how much he can charge for that game next year. 

HA – We’ll let you know in five years. 

KP – Big Billy Byrne is doing just fine for himself, financially.  Don’t worry about him in that department.  Keep in mind that despite the classy vibe they give off, cargo shorts and Big Dogs shirts are quite affordable.


Will we ever be able to go man-to-man with our corners?

DM – I  have no idea what that means, it sounds like you are a deviant. On an unrelated note, A&M CB’s have gone one on one with receivers this year.

KP – Is this a trick question?  Some sort of clever riddle, perhaps?

Will we ever develop a more complicated blitz program that has a definite flair for the unexpected or will we just assign 1 person like a Von Miller to be the designated blitz person that everyone knows is coming. When you watch the Steelers or Giants, it is like there is a match game going on about when they are bringing the house. We need to have that.

DM – If you think A&M just sends VON on a blitz and no one else, then perhaps you need to watch the game closer. A&M has run a variety of blitz packages, numerous players have registered sacks, pressure is brought from different locations, and VON himself is moved around. I think the main difference is we have limitations that the Steelers and Giants don’t have, and we don’t get to the QB in time for many of us to realize there was a blitz. Is the Match Game still on TV? Are you saying you don’t know which blitzer will be paired up with the QB?

Will Anthony Wallace join his teammates and the good guys to bring back the hate and the Wrecking Crew?

DM – The rage needs to return, I still don’t see that enough. I think forcing the team to live together on campus again would help. Preferably in the Commons.

HA – What we need is a good criminal on the team to bring some rage back.  Not a shitty criminal like Vance Smith’s little brother who shouted out racial slurs in the Micky Dee’s drive thru or Jorrie Adams who was slanging rocks in Bryan.  I mean a good criminal that just goes around beating people up all the time.

KP – “What the hell do I have to do to get some fucking attention around here?” – Yemi Babalola

Quien es mas macho? The Fightin’ Texas Tra la la Aggie Yell Leaders? O, Colt McCoy?

DM – You’ve asked an incredibly difficult question, I commend you. Perhaps “least feminine” would have been a more appropriate wording, since machismo indicates strong masculine behavior. The Yell Leaders hang around a dog a lot, like every good man should. But, they cuddle during big moments in A&M games, a negative. Colt McCoy lives with Cro-Magnon man, which is kind of manly I guess. But, he lifts his leg when hugging dudes, pretty womanly. I’ve seen both get jumped on by lots of guys during and after games in recent years. This is a draw.

HA – Also, Colt McCoy sits when he pees and his father is writing a book about how hard it is to raise a champion who sits down to potty.

KP – How many gay stereotypes does Colt have to run through (beefy construction worker, Freddie Mercury ‘stache, letting his teammates fingerfuck his mouth, etc.) before the obvious is acknowledged? 

Will win the Cotten Bowl?

DM – I’ll assume you meant the Cotton Bowl and not some bowl belonging to Orson Welles collaborator. No one wins the Cotton bowl, the place is a dump and the game starts at 10AM on New Year’s Day, how ridiculous is that. I know the game has moved to a later start on the 2nd now, but I’m still pissed from years past. The only winner of the Cotton Bowl is the guy who pays his entire year’s mortgage off of CB parking in his yard.

KP – I agree.  The Cotton Bowl is abysmal.  It’s something suitable only for fans of a team like Rutgers. 

If Von Miller accidentally kills a Quarterback on a sack, is he still elligable for All American consideration?

DM – There are no rules that prevent this. However, if he wears a patch honoring his victim, he will be suspended for the rest of the season.

HA – The Downtown Athletic Club frowns upon in-play murder, so I don’t think he could win the Heisman if that happens.

DB – Let’s pray that doesn’t happen or, if it does, no one tells Von he killed a dude.

Considering the Offensive line’s performance against 52-30, have we cemented our line-up for the year?

DM – I don’t think so. I am sure we will start the ISU game with the same lineup, but as soon as we hit adversity I think Sherman panics and over-manages the line again. Plus, we’re talking about Grimes – he can’t play 5 games straight, can he? That dude is a warrior though.

KP – Of course we haven’t.  Regardless of what happens for the rest of the year, we just flat-out have a number of issues at OL.  I think Sherman’s going to keep throwing different combos out there with the mindset that at certain times, it literally can’t get any worse.  Throw in some inevitable injuries, and you’ll see flux here all season.

DB – Those guys are warriors.  All of them.  They just need to block.

Have we established the fact that if we can run the ball, it opens up the pass well enough for Sherman’s Pro-Style Hybrid attack to be successful?

DM – That was established decades ago and A&M is just another potential supporting argument. However, I feel A&M’s passing has allowed for their run game more than vice versa. Even against Tech we passed more than ran on initial possessions. It left Tech’s D spread out and vulnerable to runs between the tackles. I haven’t seen A&M rack up that many yards between the tackles in a long time. Hybrids are all the rage and Sherman is a liberal yankee.

DB – Again, the threat of the run is more valuable than the success of the run.


How similar is hunter to Appel performance/skill wise?

DM – They are pretty similar, both seem to excel in run support but perhaps have limitations when covering receivers. Appel made all Big 12 teams once or twice, something Hunter has yet to achieve. Appel gets a bit of a bad rap for some reason, maybe just because he was a bit standoffish with the media and slept with everyone’s girlfriend.

KP – I think Hunter is a little better in coverage.  I love the kid because he comes up like a mother in run support.  Hopefully his style of play won’t break him down physically as his career progresses.

Bill Burden

DM – Given our lives are pre-determined, you are correct. We’re just killing time here on the journey to an inevitable end. Which is why I post on AY.

HA – You are absolutely right.  These questions are boring HA, although I hate to talk in the 3rd person like that.

DB – Fuck you, Bill.  This is important to a lot of Aggies, and you come in here and try to ruin it.

El Burro

How great are the possible ramifications of Epperson taking over the punting duties?

 DM – Wood was the clear cut winner of the August competition. I don’t see how Epperson can be a great improvement, but we’ll see. At least we’re getting some payback on the scholarship.

 HA – I was dismayed to know that the sub-par videography team missed Wood missing the practice net on the sidelines and taking out four rows of Tech fans.  That’s really funny to me.

DB – Wood is a great Aggie.  He’ll be outstanding standing on the sidelines for the entire game.

Why don’t football players wear cups? Does Joe Kines wear a cup? Do they make a cup that would fit Joe Kines? Would it still be called a cup, or would it be more like a bowl or a jug?

DM – Joe Kines does not require a cup, due to the grizzled nature of his junk. It’s gnarled up and calloused due to years of being drug through briar patches and over the stubbly chin of Mike Leach.

HA – You mean like on their heads?  How the fuck would they keep a cup on their heads during a football game, genius?   Christ almighty.

Tell me “Who wins a game of washers between with the following players…
Stoops, Gundy, Mac, Sherman, and of course Leach “but he is responsible for ice chest management” and does not get playing time?

DB – Mack wins the washer game.  It takes a special type of person to excel at washers. Stoops gets too jacked to play washers.  Plus, if it’s a big game, let’s say a final game in a washer tournament, Stoops will just lay an egg.  He’ll throw the wrong color washers.  Sherman is too intense to be a great washer player.  He will want to hurl the washer at the pit when the game is on the line.  Gundy is too stupid to be a good washer player.  He is just a dumbass.  We all saw the “I’m a man” debacle.  Leach would probably be a pretty good washer player, but he would be more interested in drinking than playing the game.  Mack, on the other hand, would just blame Greg Davis if he lost, and then remind everyone that Greg Davis was Vince Young’s coach.

DM –  Gundy would win a game of washers. I mean, look at him.

Ok here goes:

Who does HSJ feel is the meanest, down-right nasty player on the A&M football roster?

DB – Sean Porter.  He ate part of his mother’s vagina on the way out.

HA – Von Miller wearing the Mike Singletary glasses.  Least mean player of all time: Matt Szymanski.  I think he transferred from A&M to be around people who were “more like him” if you know what I mean.

KP – It’s really hard for me to answer this question since Todd Pegram used up his eligibility. 

Is it crucial for this offense to establish the running game to build confidence and keep it rolling?

DB – This isn’t 1979.  It no longer matters how you get yards.  The threat of an effective running game is more important than an effective running game.  For instance, if you have a tear tattooed under your eye, and you get in a stare down with a dude that lives in the Woodlands, you’ve won the battle even if you haven’t really killed anybody.

KP – I’d like to say yes, but it just ain’t going to happen with this year’s squad.  Use JJ and some very capable WRs to get your points through the air.  That’s about all we can do.

Will Von Miller bear-rape Colt McCoy and then Seal-The-Deal with Colt’s girlfriend?

DB – Von Miller is a gentleman.  He was built more in the mold of a Marcus Buckley than a John Roper.  He won’t touch Clit’s girlfriend until she commits fully to Von.

HA – But when she does, he’ll blow a hole in the back of her pelvis.

KP – Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Let’s get this straight.  There is one, and only one “BEAR RAPE.”  That title was rightfully earned by a certain Jorrie Adams, and I’m not about to let that be taken away from him.  One of my proudest moments was when I heard someone holler “Bear Rape” after a Jorrie tackle during a game.  I felt like a father must feel when his son wins a triathlon, or some shit like that.

Whatever happened to Jordan Wallace? I asked Tarp and he said he’d check and get back to me.

DB – I killed him.

HA – He was only getting paid something like $7/hr and working 20 hours a week.  It seemed like a lot right out of OU, but he got a sweet job working at the Starbucks over by the state government district in OKC. 

DM – Jordan Wallace was a fictional character Tarp created to take some heat off Troy.

In the olden days, after locking up the Cotton Bowl the fans would throw hunks of cotton into the air to celebrate. After we lock up a birth to the Texas Bowl, what should the fans throw into the air?

HA – Each other, because Texas Aggies ARE Texas.

KP – Gang signs.  In one of my high school annuals, I managed to throw up the “Bloods” sign for every group photo I was in.  FFA – Bloods sign.  Debate team – Bloods sign.  Fellowship of Christian Athletes – Bloods sign.

DM – Feces.

If we soundly defeat Iowa on Saturday, will Tarp give us more than a free night out? Maybe a weekend pass, and permission to “get crazy”? In order to beat Iowa, what does the defense need to focus on?

KP – Beating Iowa would certainly be an accomplishment for Mike Sherman.  I’m willing to bet that there isn’t a single prognosticator predicting A&M to beat Iowa this weekend.

DB – I’m predicting A&M to beat Iowa this weekend.  All the Aggies need to do is stop the run.  Put 10 men on the line of scrimmage.  I know it’s boring, but that’s they was the do it in Iowa and Micigan and Minnesota and those other dying states.

Now that the spread has been “the new thing” in college football for nearly a decade, what will be the life cycle of this trend, or will it be here to stay? 30 years from now will schools run it like a novelty like you now see option offenses occasionally?

KP – One of the funnier arguments I’ve heard against the spread is that it’s a fad, much like the Run ‘N Shoot offenses of yore.  Guess what?  Every team utilizes parts of the Run ‘N Shoot in their offense (e.g. twins and trips, one back sets, etc.).  You’re already seeing pro-set teams incorporating spread concepts into their offense.  In very short order, you’re going to see spread concepts absorbed by everyone to the point where “the spread” is no longer a distinguishable look.

DB – The spread has killed defenses because high schools are running that abortion of a football offense right now.  Every high school team is moving at least two great athletes that used to play defense over to offense.  This is killing the development of defensive players at the high school level.  Ten years ago, the one starting wide receiver on a high school team was the dude with speed that couldn’t tackle.  Now, the best cornerbacks and safeties are on the other side of the ball split out wide or in the slot.

DM – These brain studies showing the long term effects of collisions are going to change football as we know it. In 30 years it will be more like flag football. Enjoy it while you can.

What happened to the rest of Ketchum? Was it thrown away, or recycled? In the pretext of a greener planet I hope it was recycled, but what could it be made into? Slurry for equine, bovine and mammalian consumption? Fertilizer? Implants?

HA – He sold it on Craigslist where some Austin deviant tried to fuck it.  PS-He’s still kinda flabby because of all the excess skin.

DB – An Eskimo stayed warm for the winter.

DM – Stuffed into his waterbed. Burton said it was the best night of sleep he’d ever had.

Who’s the most improved player this year?

a. Von Miller
b. Garrick Williams
c. T Frederick
d. Matt Featherston
c. Courtney Faye

HA – Like Courtney Faye, Von Miller could only enhance his game from last year.  Unlike Von Miller, I’m looking forward to seeing a bit more skin from Courtney at some point, hopefully as a means to “pay for school”.

Are you and mrlittlejeans brothers?
Could you teach JJ to work with the receivers and teach them how to pass to a covered receiver? Throw low and away from the DB or LB covering.
Is it true that Bill Burden is really Lex James?

Did Hammitron, IE: KingPuppy, move to Louisianna?

DM – Can you believe this guy?

HA – Asswhip.

Do you think Iowa State’s locker room celebration spells doom for the Aggies this weekend (because they were all like pouring water and yelling and sh*t)?

KP – I have to try damned hard to work up any vitriol against Iowa State.  When people are listing Big XII schools, Iowa State is the one most often forgotten.  “Well, that’s 11.  TCU?  Colorado State?  Shit.”

DM – They are going to have trouble with the dense, humid air of lowland College Station. And with the soft water, of course, it’s very frustrating.  I did get a big kick out of Iowa State pretending to be outraged when Auburn hired Gene Chizik away from them. “We’re outraged?”

 HA – If you look up Iowa State on Wikipedia, you’ll find that they are a rather prestigious school academically with the likes of George Washington Carver attending ISU as both a student and later a teacher.  As well, Troy Davis is the best football player they’ve ever had and he makes Jamaal Charles look like George Washington Carver.

DM – I feel ISU deserves hardships for firing McCarney. That guy was good for ISU.

Based on their posts alone, who would you say…..

A) Has the biggest dong
B) Gets the most ass
C) Has killed the most people
D) Has the least chance of getting to heaven

KP – bluelapels

DB – Agreed

DM – C.

Hopefully not to late to ask questions?
Thoughts on cheerleaders?
Mike Leachs favorite drink?
Sherms favorite catfish bait?

KP – I’ll touch on the cheerleaders for a second. *ZING* 

In all candor, I do not want to see cheerleaders at A&M.  Sure, the yellboys have acted especially moronic of late.  Hold that against the individuals, not their position.  Let’s examine what Yell Leaders do for a second: They lead yells.

Pretty simple, right?  They don’t do flips or hold up signs that say shit like “Fight.”  They coordinate tens of thousands of Aggies to do yells in unison.  They’re no-frills, efficient, and most importantly, able to positively contribute to the noise levels during games.

What to cheerleaders add?  Titties, and that’s it.  I know this is the unpopular opinion, but I really don’t give a flying cat’s dick about checking out ass during football games.  If I want something to spank off to, I’ll get on the Internet or leaf through a FAO Schwartz catalogue.  When I’m watching a game, I’m dialed in, and I’m liable to stab anyone who gets between me and the Ags.  Let that be a warning.


Well, that’s all the time we have for this week, Ags.  Tune in next week when Dean Mortimer says:

“Sure, she bled a little, but don’t they all at that age?”



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