We here at HSJ have been following the game of football for a long time. There’s a combined 189 years of intense football experiences among the collective contributors. Prior to each season we leverage these experiences while sequestering ourselves at an isolated location for a pre-season weekend getaway, this year’s was held at the Gage Motel in Marathon. And as usual, a few hours were spent discussing the key factors that lead to football success. What is that ONE thing that determines if a team will kick ass over the course of the season? Yards per rush offensively and defensively? Turnover ratio? Red Zone efficiency? We’ve come up with equations, theories and postulates, and argued until we’ve come to blows. But we think we’ve finally developed a true predictor of success, and it’s built around SWAGGER. SWAGGER is a true psychomedical condition which can be observed and measured, and we’ve used SWAGGER ratings to rank the Big 12 teams from 1 to 12. We’ll be using the internationally recognized SWAGGER units of measure: testosticons.
12 Colorado – 78 Testosticons
The Colorado Buffaloes historically have the lowest testosticon readings in the FBS division, and with their recent decision to flee the Big 12 the readings have fallen to all time lows. High altitude has a negative impact on SWAGGER right off the bat, but this team also has allowed a woman to play and lets the coach’s son take snaps at QB. A liberal ganja loving school typically ranks high in CHEMISTRY ratings, but SWAGGER suffers as a result. They WANTED to join the PAC-10, they don’t have a baseball team, and they compete in snow sports. Only having a Buffalo as it’s mascot and the escapades of Gary Barnett keep this school from having a negative SWAGGER rating.
11 Iowa State – 148 Testosticons
Iowa State is the color gray. There is nothing inherent to the culture or surroundings that would elevate testosticon levels. Instead, they lost 67 straight times to NU and are many times left off of Big 12 team by team previews – they are just forgotten. It should be mentioned that any football program that has a “Homecoming game” gets a big SWAGGER deduction right off the bat.
10 Kansas – 166 Testosticons
Kansas was coached by circus fat man, then they fired him for being “too hard on his players”, and hired a former WINGBACK. Wingbacks are inherently SWAGGER-less and this will rub off on the team. Their mascot is a bird, not even a real one. A pretend bird. Wilt Chamberlain raises the score a bit.
9 Texas Tech – 175 Testosticons
Texas Tech makes a big move up the rankings following the firing of their autistic football coach and the hiring of a legitimate FBS leader in Tuberville. Lubbock, Graham Harrell, and the guy ringing the bell drop them pretty far, though. You’d think living out in the desert would toughen you up, but somehow it just draws in really dense people. Their SWAGGER is mainly fake, as they try to convince each other that they are in any way relevant to anything, sports or education-wise. Note: sandstorms make you sterile and impotent.
8 Oklahoma State – 193 Testosticons
Speaking of dense, OSU clocks in at number 8. Known as the college where “dumb Oklahomans” go to school, you tend to have a lot of salt of the earth types in Stillwater. You also have a high amount of cross-dressers for some reason. T. Boone Pickens, the most notable alumnus outside of Garth Brooks, was a Texas A&M failout that did very well at OSU. His SWAGGER brings up the score considerably, however his dishonest business dealings put a quick damper on the testosticon count. Mike Gundy is testosticon benign, earning no points but not losing any either. He’s a perfect fit for OSU.
7 Texas – 195 Testosticons
If winning were the main factor in SWAGGER points, Texas would be at the top of the list as they have been a perennial winner for over a decade. Also, if cheating and sodomy were to factor into these points, it would be a runaway train. A recent Forbes poll noted that 89% of all Texas students, both male and female, have “touched the penis of another human in a sexual manner at least once in the last month”, making Texas the most homosexual (for men) and whoriest (for women) college in the Big 12. The Testosticons Factor is a bit skewed from the immense amount of big-mouth braggadocio from Austin residents who didn’t even go to school there, however it’s also noted that fans tend to leave the stadium early, regardless of the score. Experts prognosticate that this is so the fans can go engage in sodomy with each other in the overwhelming amount of gay bars in the Greater Austin area.
6 Kansas State – 210 Testosticons
You’ve got to give it to KState…no other community college in the history of FBS has been able to transform their incredibly terrible football team into a somewhat successful team. With the nation’s longest losing streak in tact, cocksman Bill Snyder brought in near illiterates to beef up the program and beef it up he did. This sort of SWAGGER was felt throughout the college football ranks as other teams attempted to bring in their versions of illiterate transfer students from junior colleges. However, they quickly found out that it’s easier for a JUCO student to transfer to another JUCO-quality school, therefore couldn’t be replicated at other institutes of higher education that actually have adademic standards. KSU uniquely gains and loses points for Martin Grammatica as he was high on the SWAGGER scale but also a massive douchebag.
5 Oklahoma – 228 Testosticons
Norman is the cultural hub of the entire state of Oklahoma, which is akin to being the smartest kid in the special ed class. However, Sooner fans across the globe rock the house on gamedays after they load up on their bathtub crystal meth and 3.2 abv beer. Your typical OU fan doesn’t participate in incestuous marriage (despite popular belief), however they will fight anyone who dares to enter the city limits with anything but an OU shirt on. Massive SWAGGER points are lost, though, since the actual scrotum ripper is an OSU grad.
4 Missouri – 231 Testosticons
Missouri is a great state. Not only can you get good jazz music and black history in St. Louis, but you can also find wineries and a city named after another state. Confusingly enough, Kansas City is also home to the former Dallas Texans football club. So you have a Dallas football team in a town named after Kansas in Missouri. The Tiger is a very fearsome mascot, however there are no actual asians that live in the entire state. Mizzou, rumored to be one of the lynchpins in the Big XII break up over the summer of 2010, was actually snubbed by the Big 10 and forced to run back to the conference to stay in. However, we give Mizzou high grades for being the other school rumored to join Texas A&M in the SEC West. Notable alumni include Tom Berenger (+Testosticon), Sheryl Crow (-Testosticon), George C. Scott (+2Testosticons), Tennessee Williams (-10Testosticons), and Brad Pitt (neutral).
3 Nebraska – 245 Testosticons
Of all the Big 12 schools, Nebraska is the overall manliest. The entire state is made up of really tough men and masculine, testosterone-pumping women who pump out massive amounts of beefy offspring capable of handling the rough winters of Nebraska. Nebraska is actually a Native American word that means “Dumb Fucking State”. Husker fans love to point out that Memorial Stadium in Lincoln is the 3rd most populous city in the state if it were a city, which says a lot about the stadium but even more about the state. Husker legend Tom Osborne is an alumnus, former head coach, current AD, and a former Congressional representative of the state. He also routinely recruited criminals for his teams, some of which were so mean they’d drag women down flights of stairs by their hair. The school successfully left the Big XII this year after years of being pissed off that they were no longer allowed to recruit football players who would drag women down flights of stairs by their hair.
2 Baylor – 270 Testosticons
I have to hand it to Baylor, 10 years ago they would have been at the bottom of this list but they made some serious moves. Cat killing, internal team violence, Guy Morris, and crushing self doubt and insecurity which cause them to lash out, all has led to increases in SWAGGER. Waco is rife with violence and gang activity, including a rash of 90’s style purple dranking. Murder, suicide, and cults are commonplace in Waco and do not even faze the otherwise Bible-thumpingest Baylor student. The school actually keeps a live bear in a cave on campus where fans of other schools like to sneak in a piss on the bear at night. Baylor girls are known for their incredible blowjob skills and for giving up the third input to save themselves for marriage, which Baylor dudes enjoy so they can enjoy anal sex without breaking God’s law of “no sex with other dudes”.
1 Texas A&M – 294 Testosticons
It really isn’t fair to the rest of the conference to have a team this dominant in the rankings, however Texas A&M by far tops the list. There is not another fanbase in the country with as much dedication to their team, even when the team sucks ass. In addition, there isn’t another fanbase more proud of their tradition and heritage of service than the Aggies, despite internet photos of fish in the Corps of Cadets squeezing their testicles for luck during a particularly tense play of a game. The Aggies are the epitome of SWAGGER, paying homage to the nation as well as themselves. Ask any female of any other Big XII school and they’ll tell you that they’d rather fuck a Texas Aggie than any other man on the planet. Back in the 50’s and 60’s when UT female students had to work as whores in La Grange to pay for school, the average Aggie visited the “Chicken Ranch” at least once a quarter, making it highly likely that every single female that went to Texas during that time had sex with no less than 10 Aggies per year. America loves the Texas Aggies, and the Texas Aggies love America, and that seals the deal for Testosticon levels.