There are few better ways to show your support for anything than by flying a flag. Aren’t flags great? You can wrap yourself up in them, hoist them up a pole, or even get little ones to go on your car windows for gamedays. There aren’t many things in this world sexier than a flag-themed bikini. Flags denote ownership, pride, and even patriotism. They recall history of the land, the people, and the culture. Where would we be without flags? I dare ask, for fear that I may know the answer to that awful question from some know-it-all bastard who can’t keep his lips shut. Flags mean so much, and the arbitrary symbol of the flag stands for everything the flag itself stands for (that is the most confusing statement ever).
Obviously, the USofAmerica Flag is the greatest flag. It shows toughness, desire to win, and bravery. Other countries may act tough, but when they see the US flag they immediately piss their pants (or worse). Every human on Earth loves the US flag, and as Americans we should fly our flags with pride each and every opportunity we get.
In that vein (or vain? I don’t know, something like that), we here at HSJ looked at all the state flags of the US and narrowed down the best ones and the worst ones on a scale based on very scientific criteria that includes aesthetics of the flag, design of the flag, quality of life in the state it represents, drawability, and the education level of its inhabitants. Note: These rankings should be used as the standard from now until the end of time, not only to judge the flags themselves but the people they represent. Forever.
Top Five Flags
If not for the US flag, this would be the greatest flag ever. Just look at it. Beautiful. The Lone Star shines bright over the entire country. The red on the bottom probably stands for the blood of patriots who kept our great state great and the white on the top probably stands for purity of our women. Every Texan can point to this flag as a true representative of our state and be proud that not only is the state the best, but the flag is equally best. Think about how great it was to see Kerry Von Erich walk in with a Texas flag. Texas is by far the best state with by far the best flag. Did you know…It’s customary to fly the Texas Flag above any and all other flags when a Texan is present.
That’s a great looking flag. It represents America…looks like a baseball being hit by a weird blue bat over on the right, and the baseball has Americany stars inside. The people of Tennessee are tough folks, and this tough flag is a great symbol of them. Anytime you combine red, white, and blue together, you are probably going to get a great flag. Tennessee is known as a very wide state, which is a really odd thing to notice. Did you know…People in Tennessee make great BBQ, although they put cole slaw on their sandwiches, which is dis-gawdamn-gusting.
If you’ve ever woken up in the middle of the desert after a week long mescaline-induced craze, then you know exactly what this flag is all about. It’s like the sun, except a star and (as we’ve seen so far) stars are the balls when it comes to flags. If I had to guess, I’d say that the blue represents water (which there is none in Arizona at all), and the star symbolizes the state and the yellow and red are supposed to look like the sun coming up, I guess. So, put it all together and you have probably the Pacific Ocean and all the degenerates in southern California looking at Arizona as the sun comes up. Probably. Did you know…The Dallas Stars had a player named Greg Adams, who played at Northern Arizona University, making him the first hockey player ever to play the game on sand.
Wow! Look at that crazy thing! It’s not square like a normal flag. It kinda looks like someone took the American flag and ran it thru a fish eye lense, then used a holepuncher on it and then cut out an arrow or something. This one gets high marks for originality on the design as most flags not rectangle are from third-world countries where AIDS and dengue fever kill most of the population before they are 30. People from Ohio don’t care though. They aren’t into things like symmetrical design, on flags or on the eyes of their women. We support you, Ohio, for being fucking crazy. Did you know…Ohioans are extremely patriotic, going to such lengths as burning down every couch they find anytime a team from Ohio wins any sort of championship.
5. New Mexico
The greatness of this flag comes in its simplicity. Have you ever been to New Mexico? It’s exactly like this flag. A bunch of yellow with the sun right in the middle. AND.THAT.IS.IT. The drawability of this flag is off the charts, shooting it to the top. Living in New Mexico is very enjoyable, although the US Census Dept reports that New Mexicans have a low self-esteem when hanging out with real hard core Mexicans from Mexico since they feel like “noob Mexicans”. Did you know…people from El Paso, Texas, often try to commit suicide by crossing the border into Mexico and being killed by violent drug gangs, however the success rate is low since El Pasoists often get confused and cross into Las Cruces instead, where they are showered with Hatch Chile Enchiladas from happy New Mexicans, elated with the idea that someone not “old Mexican” is moving to their state.
Honorable Mention: Mississippi
We are a bit wary of this one for obvious reasons, but give credit to the great state of Mississippi for not giving a shit what anybody thinks by flying the Confederate Flag combined with a version of the French flag. Sure, the entire state could be perceived as backwards hillbillies, but Mississippi gives the double-fisted salute to the rest of the world. We sorta respect that, but only to the point where we recognize how kickass the flag looks based on the none-giving-a-shit attitude. Did you know…the state actually had a vote on a new flag in the past few years to replace the Confederate Flag portion with a more benign design, but actually VOTED on keeping it like it is, although Mississippians were denied the right to have “It’s a WHITE THING…” embroidered across the middle section between the blue and the red as the official state flag.
Bottom Five Flags (aka “The WORST”)
The fuck is this shit? Seriously? The Big Dipper and the North Star? Who designed this, a seventh grader? Actually, yes. Little Benny Benson of Chignik, Alaska, who was an orphan, designed this in 1927. This looks like something a kid would come up with, although to be fair the state IQ of Alaska is lower than any other state by 10 median pts (allegedly). When I think of Alaska, I think of BEARS and salmon and shit, man. Not this crap. Usually stars on a flag is badass, but somehow Alaska finds a way to screw even that up. Did you know…Alaska ranks in the top 5 of all states in both rape and domestic violence; the Alaskan rape rate is 2.2 times higher than the national average. (Source)
Let me get this straight…there’s a state in MY country that is so ass-backwards that they have two different images on the flag depending on what side you are standing? Get the hell out of here. There is no gawdamn way anyone could ever draw this convoluted crap flag, as the crest on the front has all kinds of shit going on there. Then you have a beaver on the back. A beaver. On the back. Everyone on the heterosexual side of the world knows that beavers are in the front and assholes are in the back. It’s not the case in Oregon, apparently. Did you know…Oregon has the most dumbshit ways of taxing its citizens in the history of the world. After 30 minutes of researching what is or isn’t taxed in Oregon, all I found was a bunch of pictures of douchebags wearing plaid shirts.
3. New York
You know what? Fuck New York in the first place. Then, you have this stupid cartoonish flag with two chicks, one of which is blindfolded and holding a sword and the other one has a smurf hat on a stick. What’s up with that shit, huh? Then an eagle on top of the world (which doesn’t even closely resemble the actual Earth), two old boats that look like something out of a Long John Silver’s restaurant in 1985, and finally the word “Excelsior” at the bottom on a cloud that the two chicks are standing on. Excelsior? More like “Ex-shut-the-hell up, New York”. What is this supposed to represent? It’s a gawdamn disgrace to America. Did you know…Buffalo, New York, actually lost four Super Bowls in a row, and lost then a Stanley Cup. Hahaha. What a bunch of losers.
I don’t even know where to start with this ridiculous crap. A white background with a big red X on it. Well, let’s see what happens when I do a Google search for “KKK flag”. Check out what comes up:
That may very well be the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and look at the bottom half. It kinda looks like the Alabama flag inverted, right?. Well, gee…wonder where they got the idea for their flag? I’m not even sure that they tried to hide it that well, but at least Mississippi had the balls to go full blast with their racism. Did you know…The University of Alabama, after being smacked down by the NCAA three times in a single decade, had to forfeit all of their football wins between 2005 and 2007, proving that the testicle-less NCAA will never again give out the Death Penalty to another school regardless of how egregious their offenses are.
You’ve got to be kidding me. What the…of all the terrible ways to honor the great Native Americans in the history of our land, you come up with this? Is that a peace pipe? What are those plus signs? If you couldn’t already tell from the stupid name of the state written on the flag, this travesty is from Oklahoma. I guess the blue is supposed to be the sky. Man, this is like an offensive 40’s MGM cartoon. When I look at this crap, I think of John Dunbar learning how to talk from Stands With a Fist and how she must have had incredible grooming issues. The worst part about this is that the inbred leaches in Oklahoma trailer parks try to glom the heritage of the noble Native Americans as their own, when the average Oklahoman is closer to a common rodent. Did you know…The greatest athlete of all time, Jim Thorpe, is an Oklahoma native, however Oklahoma sucks so bad that he’s buried in a Pennsylvanian town that he never went to when he was alive and had no connection to in any way other than the fact that the town named itself after Thorpe in order to get his remains.