Back when I was a younger man, I went on a singles cruise in the Caribbean. The brochure I got from my travel agent made it look incredible, well, at least the boat looked incredible. Some of the stops we were going to make were pretty boring, but I was more interested in what was going to happen on the boat behind closed doors anyway. Pretty much the point of taking a singles cruise.
The first night aboard, we had a social on the main deck where everyone got to meet one another. It took about 10 seconds to look around the room and identify the talent. Some real lookers on board, and a few that would pass the eyeball test at 2 a.m. There were several girls there that were clearly along for the endless buffet, but that’s always the case. One girl in particular, I think her name was, “Lorna” or something, was unreal. Gorgeous hair with long legs and a set of tits that made you want to beg for buttermilk. Every guy in the room was staring at Lorna. I figured I’d set my sights on an easier target for the time being.
I got to talking to this young lady from Oklahoma that was beyond fantastic herself. She might have been better looking than Lorna, but she was really, really dumb and had no personality. I didn’t care. We had a few drinks, made some small talk, and one thing lead to another…
She beat the shit out of me.
We fooled around a bit at first, but as soon as her bra came off, she went ballistic. I kind of liked it at the start – who wouldn’t want their face smacked around with a set of double-ds. But after she made me put on a condom, she threw me down on the bed and climbed on top and started slapping and punching my face. I think she might have rammed a toilet plunger up my ass at one point, but I can’t be sure because she wouldn’t let me turn around to check. There were a few moments when I thought she had calmed down and was going to let me have my way, but every time I’d to get going she would knee me in the crotch or bite my shaft and pull my hair. I finally finished, but was scared out of my mind and trembling. To make matters worse, when she decided that she had had enough, she sat down on the bed naked and did meth. Just an all-out crazy bitch. I would find out many months later that the boat had a “crazy fuck champion” awarded every trip, and this girl was a repeat winner.
The next night I decided to play it safe and got to talking to this cute little redhead. She was from Texas, like me, so I figured we’d have a lot in common. Very nice girl, pretty enough, and was definitely open to my advances. Also a little fiery and definitely had low self-esteem. She kept telling everyone that she was friends with Lorna, but every time Lorna would walk by, she just ignored her. This chick also loved to drink – by the time we got back to my room she was tanked. We had a decent night together – she was a screamer, and the next morning, she left without protest. Seemed like the perfect evening. Until I started itching. Bad. Crazy bad.
She gave me crabs. I had to shave my pubes. That little red-headed whore said she’d tell everyone I raped her if I told anyone about it. Damn my luck.
I was kind of embarrassed after that and decided to lay low for a while. No one else onboard was really worth the effort anyhow. There was this ugly little fat chick in a green dress that was always trying to flirt with anyone that would listen, but honestly, she shouldn’t have even been on the boat. She had no chance. I don’t think she had a single successful night the entire trip. Just a really annoying fatty that didn’t seem to realize that she brought nothing to the table. People even laughed when she walked by, but she never noticed.
On the fifth night, I was sitting at the bar and having a drink with a couple of girls from Kansas I had become friends with. Out of nowhere, Lorna walked up and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. I wasn’t sure it was a good idea. I mean, she was the best looking girl on the boat, but a couple of other guys that I’d seen her with had already thrown themselves overboard. Her good looks got the better of me and I followed her to the pool deck.
What a pushy bitch.
I bought her a drink. She said it wasn’t what she wanted.
I got her a new one. She said she didn’t feel like drinking.
I asked her if she wanted to swim. She told me to shut up.
I tried to kiss her. She turned her head and slapped me.
I put my hand on her leg. She said she was on the rag.
I tried to kiss her again. She told me she didn’t hook up with guys like me.
I told her I was leaving. She said that her dad was a rich lawyer and he would sue me and drag my name through the mud with his connections in the media.
I had had enough. I got up and went back to my room, pissed off that I had ever wasted my time chasing a high-maintenance bitch like Lorna. I decided that I wasn’t going to let her ruin the last few days of my trip and went back out to one of the bars to talk to some of the other girls. But guess who beat me to the punch?
Apparently Lorna hadn’t appreciated my rejection and had spread word on the ship that I was gay. Furthermore, she had convinced all of the other girls that if they just stuck by her side, she would find them the best possible man and even get them on a reality television show (wtf?). None of the girls would talk to me at all. They all seemed to feel bad, but they were too scared of Lorna to go against her wishes. Most of them were too ugly to get a man without her help anyway, so I didn’t blame them. My trip was over though. Or so I thought.
I walked out on one of the empty decks to have a beer by myself and noticed that another cruise ship had anchored right next to us. It was a huge boat, much bigger than the one we were on, and there were a ton of girls in bikinis waving at us. Actually, they were just waving at me.
“We don’t have any Texans on this boat! Want to come over?”
I had no idea how they knew I was a Texan, but would later find out that they had been watching me from afar for quite a while. They looked really good. I didn’t even think twice and ran to my room to get my bags. Oddly enough, as I was running back towards the deck to jump off, the little fat chick in the green dress grabbed onto my ankle. I couldn’t shake her. She was begging me not to leave her and yelling something about Lorna blowing up the boat. She smelled terrible. It actually looked like she had shit her pants. I felt bad, but there was no way I was missing the other boat. I kicked her in her pooch and she let go, still blubbering like an idiot. I could hear her crying and yelling at me as I swam off, but I didn’t care.
I spent the rest of my vacation surrounded by beautiful women that put out and served barbeque and beer all day, every day. I wasn’t big on pulled pork, and they served a lot of it, but that was a small price to pay. And they didn’t even care that I had shaved my pubes. They actually laughed when I told them I had mailed them to Lorna on my way out.
For all the shit that happened, it was a great trip.