An Aggie Guide to the SEC

For the Aggies out there, here is a brief introduction to your new conference mates. If you have any questions, please leave them below and we’ll try to get to them.

East Division

University of Florida Gators
Enrollment: 51,474
Stadium: Ben Hill Griffin Stadium (The Swamp) – 88,548
Famous Alumni: Bob Vila, Jesse Palmer, Wendy Thomas
What you need to know: The University of Florida is the largest school in the SEC, barely edging out Texas A&M for that honor. When Florida lost coach Ron Zook, the program seemed to be in a state of flux, but Urban Meyer took over and restored glory. He quit several times and finally quit for good last year. Florida brought in noted asshole and all around bad guy Will Muschamp at that point. Expect Muschamp to be fired within three years.

University of Georgia Bulldogs
Enrollment: 35,520
Stadium: Sanford Stadium – 92,746
Famous Alumni: Kim Basinger, Wayne Knight, Pandora Peaks
What you need to know: The Bulldogs are perpetual underachievers that rarely live up to preseason expectations. Mark Richt is their coach right now, but he won’t make it through the season. When you talk to any Georgia alum, be prepared to hear stories of Herschel Walker and Buck Beleu. Athens is known as a neat college town.

University of Kentucky Wildcats
Enrollment: 26,024
Stadium: Commonwealth Stadium – 67,606
Famous Alumni: James Michael Guiler, Ashley Judd, Pat Riley
What you need to know: Kentucky will be the biggest challenge for Texas A&M’ and the Aggies goal to dominate the conference in basketball. When Texas A&M forced Billy Clyde out the door, he wound up at Kentucky where he was arrested at 3:00AM for drunk driving after a round of golf. Kentucky is usually an afterthought in football.

University of South Carolina Gamecocks
Enrollment: 28,481
Stadium: Williams-Brice Stadium – 80,250
Famous Alumni: Hootie and the Blowfish, Robert McNair, Amanda Baker
What you need to know: South Carolina hires great coaches after they were great. Lou Holtz drooled his way through South Carolina, and now Steve Spurrier is the boss. Unconfirmed rumors point to the USC leaders already contacting Joe Paterno to take over when Spurrier retires in 2015. The South Carolina mascot, the Gamecock, is a type of chicken.

University of Tennessee Volunteers
Enrollment: 27,101
Stadium: Neyland Stadium – 102,455
Famous Alumni – Al Gore, Dixie Carter, Pam Tillis
What you need to know: Lane Kiffin is no longer coaching at Tennessee. The Volunteers are said to have no natural recruiting area. In the past, Tennessee was in a stadium race with Michigan to have the largest stadium. Pat Summit, the Tennessee women’s basketball coach, is suffering from early signs of dementia. Tennessee has an orange and white checkerboard painted in the endzones of Neyland Stadium.

Vanderbilt University Commodores
Enrollment: 12,093
Stadium: Vanderbilt Stadium – 41,448
Famous Alumni – James Patterson, Joe Bob Briggs, Amy Grant
What you need to know: Vanderbilt is a private school and really doesn’t fit in this conference. Unlike Baylor, Vanderbilt is a great academic school, so they do add that to the conference. Vanderbilt is in the middle of Tennessee.

Auburn University Tigers
Enrollment: 25,078
Stadium: Jordan-Hare Stadium – 87,451
Famous Alumni – Jimmy Buffet, Charles Barkley, Taylor Hicks
What you need to know: Auburn is the defending national champion in football. but there are some weird circumstances concerning the recruitment of quarterback Cam Newton. The Tigers have a mascot that is an eagle. Like a lot of SEC schools, Auburn’s stadium has bushes on the field. Auburn is moving to the east from the west when Texas A&M and Missouri join the conference for the 2012 football season.

West Division

University of Alabama Crimson Tide
Enrollment: 31,747
Stadium: Bryant-Denny – 101,821
Famous Alumni – Gay Talese, Jim Nabors, Debra Marshall
What you need to know: Most of Alabama’s success can be attributed to Texas A&M. We gave them Bear Bryant and Gen Stallings while taking Fran off their hands. The state of Alabama has less people than the DFW Metroplex. Irving would be the largest city in Alabama. Alabama hasn’t had a good quarterback since Ken Stabler.

University of Arkansas Razorbacks
Enrollment: 23,153
Stadium: Razorback Stadium – 76,000
Famous Alumni: Pat Sumerall, Barry Switzer, Laurence Luckinbill
What you need to know: You are probably familiar with Arkansas. Arkansas fields steady above average teams. For example, they had a winning record against Texas A&M in the SWC, but Texas A&M won way more SWC titles than Arkansas. Arkansas fired Lou Holtz. Arkansas fans wear pig heads and make pig noises. A razorback is a type of swine.

Louisiana State University Tigers
Enrollment: 28,810
Stadium: Tiger Stadium – 92,542
Famous Alumni: Rebecca Wells, Rex Reed, Better than Ezra
What you need to know: Like Arkansas, you are probably familiar with LSU as well. LSU tries to schedule all night games in Baton Rouge. LSU is known for tailgating despite the high percentage of t-shirt fans. Nick Saban once coached at LSU, and LSU fans still like him. LSU has no natural rival in the SEC, so A&M might slide into that role.

University of Mississippi Rebels
Enrollment: 15,800
Stadium: Vaught-Hemingway Stadium – 60,850
Famous Alumni: The worst of the Manning brothers, John Grisham, Michael Oher
What you need to know: Although Mississippi fans aren’t allowed to wave the rebel flag at games, the rebel flag is still a big player on campus. Tailgating in Mississippi is supposed to wonderful in an area called The Grove. Mississippi dropped a game to lowly BYU earlier this season.

Mississippi State University Bulldogs
Enrollment: 19,644
Stadium: Davis Wade Stadium – 55,082
Famous Alumni: Fred Smoot, John Grisham, Paul Ruffin
What you need to know: Jackie Sherrill brought the Bulldog program some respect after leaving his job selling cars in Beaumont. Mississippi State is a larger school than Mississippi. Mississippi State has the smallest stadium in the SEC, not counting Vanderbilt’s Stadium. Mississippi State is not a member of the AAU.

University of Missouri Tigers

Enrollment: 33,318
Stadium: Faurot Field – 71,004
Famous Alumni: George C. Scott, Tennessee Williams, Sheryl Crow
What you need to know: This is the third school we are familiar with. People in Missouri tend to be pro football fans rather college football fans. Mizzou’s biggest football rival is Kansas. Like at Texas A&M, alumni and fans will probably become a lot more passionate about Mizzou sports when they officially announce they are leaving the Big 12 Conference.

Texas A&M University
Enrollment: 50,054
Stadium: Kyle Field – 82,600
Famous Alumni: Ilan Mitchell-Smith, Rip Torn, Lyle Lovett
What you need to know: Since this is an Aggie guide to the SEC, you probably know everything about Texas A&M already.

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4 comments on “An Aggie Guide to the SEC

  1. As an Aggie, and a graduate of UF, this was spot on. One thing though, and its just a Texas thing, can’t have anyone say they are bigger….. so how’s this…. Texas A&M has the largest campus in the world…., not the SEC, the world. There, my inner Aggie feels much better, but somehow the reptilian part of me feels…..

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