There are few things in this world that piss me off worse than some jerkoff with a lack of a top lip. Scientifically, the term to describe this horrible condition is “Honky Lip”. Recent studies have shown that people with no top lip are universally evil and have no soul. They have little disregard for normal rules of society and are apt to have severe personality disorders. However, in some extreme cases, the condition will culminate to “Clown Stage” where the evilness is replaced by hilarity and downright clownish behavior (as noted in the #4 individual with a lack of a top lip).
Regardless of the stages or severity of this terrible affliction, we here at HSJ Central would like to present to you:
The top 5 worst humans born without a proper top lip
5. Mitt Romney – Possible President
Considered the presidential front runner for the Republican Party in 2012 by most political pundits, Romney has a top lip that curls like a deflated balloonknot. By general consensus, his lack of a top lip is considered the biggest reason why he has flipflopped on most of his campaign platform issues and also why, despite otherwise considered the strongest presidential candidate on paper, that even hardcore southern Republicans would rather vote for “that black pizza guy who likes to hit on chicks all the time”.
4. Jeff Daniels – Rumored Actor
The infamous serious actor-turned-movie-clown-turned-back-into-serious-actor-and-rumored-to-be-back-to-being-a-clown has a really serious case of a lack of a top lip. However, Daniels is one of the rare cases where the evil turns to benevolence. In addition to have a lack of a top lip, he also has a really weird gummy smile which is totally creepy.
3. Phil Dawson – Sip kicker
One of the worst offenders of all time of a lack of a top lip, Dawson has a stellar career in one of the worst positions in all of football for one of the worst football cities in America. Dawson spent his collegiate career in Austin, no doubtedly putting his lack of a top lip to good use. His lack of a top lip is compounded by the fact he has a five-head and looks like someone burned off his eyebrows with a lighter. Possible candidate for the next Fire Marshall Bill.
2. Imperial Admiral Conan Antonio Motti – Star Wars choked-out bitch
You have to assume that anyone in the Star Wars army is a bad dude with some severe issues, but this dude is one of the worst. Look at his Leisure Suit Larry hair and his Beavis nostrils. Then you get to his lack of a top lip. Yuck. You’ll remember from your childhood or your pathetic adulthood that this is the cat who was talking shit to Darth Vader and got his ass choked with an invisible Forcefist. I find his lack of a top lip disturbing.
- Bob Stoops – “Coach”
The worst offender of all time of this terrible condition is the evil Bob Stoops. In addition to not having a top lip or a soul, he also has no conscience. While not a total lush like his brother, the members of the Stoops family are really quite adept at football college. However, he’s even better at cheating in college football and getting it swept under the rug somehow than he is anything else in life other than his amazing ability to not have a top lip. His lack of a top lip totally pisses me off.