The Biggest Winners in Happy Valley Today

On the heels of the NCAA’s unprecedented doling of penalty restrictions on the State University of Pennsylvania, we decided to look at the individuals who came out on the winning end of the NCAA’s decision. This is a very unique situation…never before have we seen such systematic permission of child rape by an entire university, its administration, and its alumni and fanbase, all of which are culpable in the hero-worship that allowed a single football coach to condone such heinous acts.  “It’s insane!” you and any other logical person may say. “They deserve worse!” any person with a conscience might utter so all can hear.  Not those in State College, PA, baby…they don’t agree with you on those statements.

We’ll digress from the moral preaching for a bit though since any sane human with an ounce of dignity and self-awareness would condemn Penn State and distance themselves from the entire organization and its flawed history, as we detail out the top 5 people who benefited most from the announcement of the decision the NCAA just passed down to Penn State.

Penn State football fans

5)  Everyone with half a brain knows that if any program ever deserved to be shut down completely, it’s Penn State. However, in a gesture of both kindness and emasculated weakness, NCAA President Mark Emmert passed down his judgment, which still allows the unapologetic Nittany Lion fans to enjoy football games in the fall. We thought for sure that tv appearances would be disappear, but the piddly NCAA didn’t even restrict that. Penn State fans still get to show up in their ridiculous JoPa glasses and fake nose and still get to bury their heads in the sand around Beaver Stadium, pretending that their deified hero didn’t give one of his best friends direct permission to woo children by using campus buildings and trophy cases so he could have anal sex with them in the showers. We salute you, Penn Staters; even in the face of knowing that you contributed to child rape by defending a man who gave someone a skeleton key to the university in order to continue raping children, you STILL show up to protect his statue, which by the way looks kinda like the old man on that movie, Up. We still expect Matt Millen to defend the program he loves so much, and we still expect Penn State fans to defend Paterno like nothing ever happened, but that’s their right. They’ve lived with supporting child rape this long, why change? At least now they get to do so without the added pressure of being competitive on the field. Yay!

Mark Emmert’s Ego

4) Since Emmert took over as head of the NCAA, rumors abounded that he was discouraged by the fact that the NCAA is really a nothing organization with the illusion of oversight, especially in the cases of Oklahoma University (where their star quarterback and one of their linemen were caught receiving paychecks from Big Red Motors for work they didn’t do) and USC. At least in the case of USC, they actually handed down punitive penalties that restricted the school from recruiting at such a high level for all of five minutes. In OU’s situation, they received a small slap on the wrist then they appealed the slap on the wrist and WON, essentially receiving no penalty at all for setting up paying their players.

Emmert decided he was going to show everyone that the NCAA meant business by making the school vacate wins over more than a decade, which figuratively means that JoPa is no longer the winningest coach in NCAA history but literally means jackshit. He has the power to force the football program to reduce the scholarship limit to 10 less per year which would probably be the amount reduced by the waned interest from high school recruits for a university that systematically allowed an employee to rape kids on campus wherever and whenever he wanted to. Emmert probably feels good about his job now, knowing that he has the power to kick a dead dog.

Joe Paterno

3) Ah, yes…just a year ago coaches and sports writers around the country used to dream about how great it would be to have a kingdom like the incomparable JoPa. Of course, that was before the world was aware that he allowed his pedophile buddy to have access to any building on campus so he could rape kids anytime he wanted to. Even then, though, up to now coaches still walked softly when the topic was brought up since he is still considered to be the model to which all coaches strived to be. Now we know that Paterno exercised all his power to suppress any penalty for his pedophile buddy because it might make all those coaches look at him as a little less than a god in human skin.

So, knowing all this now; knowing that Joe Paterno did all he could to protect a man who was having sex with children on campus; knowing that Paterno pressured his bosses, the president of the university, and members of the Board of Trustees to back off when multiple people turned in his pedophile friend; and knowing that the entire university structure acquiesced instead of stopping a man from having sex with children on campus so they wouldn’t look bad and having the name “Paterno” forever tied to children getting raped, how exactly is he a winner in this whole thing? The answer is, simply, that he died still thinking he didn’t do anything wrong, without anyone who might have the audacity to blame him for  doing anything wrong, and knowing that his precious statue still stood proudly with its finger pointing directly to the sky where the innocence of many raped children went when he turned a blind eye to such atrocities. He never had to go thru the embarrasement of a criminal trial, facing the last of his miserable years in jail. He never had to live with the fact that everyone in America who once fell down at his feet like he was a super hero now spits on his name in disgust.

Joe Paterno might be the biggest winner in this whole ordeal, and I’m sure he’s looking up from Hell right now, proud of the Nittany Lion fans who protected his statue last week with pepper spray from Wal-Mart.

Fletcher Massie

2)  “Who is Fletcher Massie?” you may ask? Well, he’s a hero around these parts, that’s who. Once shamed by the national media for making an INCREDIBLY funny joke about Joe Paterno before the 2007 Alamo Bowl, the former Fightin’ Texas Aggie Yell Leader now should be revered for pointing out that Paterno is not above reproach and should be ridiculed and shamed himself instead of protected. Aggie Fletcher was a visionary; a renaissance man of sorts. He deserves to have every single piss-ant Penn State fan send him apology letters for ever doubting his resolve. If Penn State leaders listened to Aggie Fletcher back then, think of all of the child rape they could have prevented!

We salute you and your foresight, Fletcher. Never stop gigging, never stop sawing.

1)  And finally…the person who ended up being the biggest winner in this whole sham of a “penalty” announcement and ensuing media circus is…

Fred Willard

Seems like he was in the news last week for something. I don’t remember what it was now. Probably just another hilarious role in a very funny movie, just like normal. Wha’ happan’d? Hahaha…oh, Fred…you are the best.


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