It’s evident that the college football landscape has shifted in just one off-season + 3 weeks to Texas A&M occupying Alabama’s former place as eventual one-loss BCS champion.
A blind man could see that months ago the Ags decided to give 9/14/13 over to the Tide in an effort to boost their new conference foe’s ego, set them up for collapse against LSU or Colorado State, and further inspire the Men in maroon & white to march on to Pasadena.
Getting Johnny to keep his stats up while still letting off the gas was a bold strategy by Sumlin, but the Fresh Prince of College Station knows it takes brave motivational tactics to inspire a talent like that.
Even Coach Saban knows it pays to come up short.
Now don’t go making a t-shirt about it, but last weekend it was the Aggies heading into the locker room with a(n) SEC/BCS championship prerequisite “1” in the Loss column. While an “L” is an”L”, it’s also been enjoyable not showing up to big games…uh, a little unprepared?
Now the boys are refreshed & focused on continuing their 30 years of revenge for Eric Dickerson’s Pontiac theft. Leaving the comfortable stables of the top cocaine trafficking campus in the nation, our favorite Giggleback Garrett Gilbert rides into town for one last gunfight with the Ags.
And we couldn’t be sadder. The guy’s never suited up for the Ags, but you’re a damned liar if you try to tell us you’re not sad to see him go. While we’re definitely a tightknit bunch, even we can admit that some non-Ags deserve a tip of the Bill Byrne Memorial XXXL Aggie cap. It’s time we get our mind off the loss and honor these gentlemen (and a lady!) the right way:
with induction into the inaugural Non-Aggie Hall of Fame…
#12: Darren Rovell
Rovell (dressed here for furious masturbation to pics of Johnny Manziel) may be the most upstanding “journalist” this side of Connie Chung. He has multiple online degrees in Facts, Satire, and is an adjunct professor in Career Suicide at Northwestern. Existing solely on a diet of Lebanese Scrotum & 5 hour energy, Rovell was able to hammer out an entire page on possible improprieties involving a few strangers who deal in scribbles on paper.
A true workhorse, he is double-employed in College Station alone. He dedicates his days as a full-time personal publicist for Johnny Manziel, and also moonlights in the head position of raking up ton after ton of pigshit in the Swine Research Facility. No one person has brought more coverage to Texas A&M in recent memory, and Aggies everywhere thank him.
#11: Big (Gig ) Tex
Physically speaking, there are no 2 bigger Texas state symbols than Big Tex & Texas A&M. They both cast a broad genital shadow over the land, and both welcome you all to the state with a friendly smile, booming voice, and delicious memorable cuisine. He valiantly held the trademark Gig thumb up for years on his right hand, though in the end… he went Buddhist monk & ended it all in a blaze of bonfire glory. Something about pictures leaking out of him giving LA Gov. Bobby Jindal’s wife a reverse funnel cake?
If only he’d been an Ag, he might’ve been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
#10: Josh Lomers
Total goon but Bears that couldn’t make it in to A&M absolutely slay us. The fact that he got trolled by BCG gives this guy enough sentimental value to make the cut. We hope he is happy back in his village learning about rocks & gravity.
#9: Rip Torn in Freddie Got Fingered
Half-Ag/ half-non-Ag. The acting chops for this mail-in role were clearly honed in Austin, and we don’t recall seeing him anywhere in the stands at 77-0. Regardless, His place in Aggieland lore shall be judged by this piece of American canon.
#8: Rick Perry
We like the rumors of this guy taking over for Powers in Austin. (Though it will likely be Paul Bryant Jr. if you believe the longhorn fans who installed my tile last week.)
#7: Jameill Showers
All that’s happened since Ryan Tannehill handed this guy the keys to the Aggievette is Top Ten Football in Aggieland.
#6: Ann Richards
If you can get past the overpowering smell of Elizabeth Taylor’s “Lady Cutty Sark” & formaldehyde, you can see a warm & even handed motherly figure who has kept it tucked up in her spanks for over 70 almost Baptist years.
Though she now spends her days quietly praying for Robert Griffin to get color change surgery (so that rumors of him sending her those pre-wedding night texts will be false), she was once the most powerful politician in the greatest state in the Union. She is fondly remembered for her sense of humor, once using the capitol floor for her trademark standup routine about Baylor’s status as a highly moral upstanding academic institution of higher learning .
She gifted us the most one sided rivalry in all of SWC & Big 12-2 history, offering us a dowry of a fatted green bear for repeated slaughter. Everyone salutes her efforts to keep us playing a school that tries its best to be BCS eligible and murder free. Gig em, Anne.
#5: Garrett Gilbert
We’ll always have a soft spot for the guy that ended the UT dynasty. We’ve still got hope he pursues a doctorate at Arkansas.
#4: Mississippi State University
Every good soldier needs a place to live out his twilight years in comfort & solitude, and State offered the great & decorated Jackie Sherrill just that after his exodus from College Station.
A warm bed in the pressbox at Scott Field, a friendly bulldog to ward off NCAA investigators, and a bed of rose petals thrown at his feet everywhere he went in Starkville.
They even adopted his favorite colors as a reminder of his long lost true home. That’s dedication to us. Maybe a bit scary like Bridgette Fonda in “Single White Female”, but it was hot and it was for Jackie.
We salute you Staaate.
#3: Mack Brown
After a slow start, he’s come on strong this year. We’re hoping he eeks out 9 wins this year to keep Nick Saban from taking the reins in Aus… LOLdozer!
#2: Kliff Kingsbury
-When a man hits the big time spotlight with the meteoric rise that Johnny Manziel has, people begin to notice more than just football talent. People are shallow, and all that fame& time on television demands fashion sense.
At times like these, it pays to hire a professional fashion consultant. Most preconceived notions would say this is where females shine, but the rainbow adorned salons across the U.S. are putting out some talented young fellows these days.
Enter sweet Kliff Kingsbury, the most in-demand stylist & designer this side of Ssssan Francissssco.
Sumlin didn’t quite know what to title someone, uh..like him at first, opting for “quality control” at Houston. Upon bringing College Station its first openly fashionable staff member, his title was changed to “offensive coordinator”, and the rest is Heisman suit history. Looking good Johnny (not in that way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
#1 (derrr): Johnathan Manziel
Shocking pick for some here, but as Jeff Tarpley says, “No sheepskin, not an Ag.” However, facts are facts, Ags:
- SEC Single Season and Single Game yardage Records
- First Top 5 finish since 1956
- First Freshman Heisman Trophy Winner.
We could go on, but if you’re an Ag and not a fan of Johnny Football, you either long for Uncle Mike Sherman’s honorable March into a 60 point beat down by Kansas State or you just can’t get past all the stuff old Ags don’t do, like untuck your shirt.
We’re just glad the young man finally picked a side. If you listen to college football fans who DON’T have him on their team (which is hard to do without shit your pants laughter), then you’ll hear he was going to replace Blake Gideon. Then he was going to join the Brock-Pachall-Sinaloa Cartel at purplebaylor. Then he was pressured into a cockfighting blackmail scheme and forced to move to Oregon & sell granola. We’ll have a fuck of a time listening to whatever fanbase he plays in the BCS championship game* claiming he almost went there too.
See you in Pasadena.
Aw, fuck it. Gig’ em, Johnny and SUCK BRICK to ALL non-Ags. Enjoy watching JFF and Magic Mike take their pain out on the poor assholes remaining on their farewell tour while continuing to gobble up your CFB highlights. And please, keep the Defense in your prayers.
The pick: Ags 63 – SMU 28
-JimJivitis & GeneParmesag-