Rating the Seriousness of Aggie Headlines

With one-third of the season down the drain and blood alcohol content returning to 9/12/13 levels, it’s time to break down the stories that are sucking the motherfucking life out of the Aggie internet realm making the rounds about this year’s Aggie side. Each year, we’re treated to a buffet of overreactions served hot and fresh by drunk people watching football that decide to post on the internet while getting drunk and watching football. Honestly, it gets a bit old.

Let’s break it down using the @darrenrovell Rating Scale, commonly used to measure the legitimacy of news stories and the excrement consistency of German Shepherds. The unit of measurement is the @darrenrovell:

#shitstain

For example, a story that comes nowhere near justifying the overreaction on the board, but still has a chance to be something talked about in January as having an impact on the season is given 1.0 @darrenrovells. A 5.0 rating is reserved for news on the level of an anally-leaked tweet about compensation associated with a logo on a UFC guy’s shorts that turns out to be so ridiculously wrong that you retract the same story using another tweet on the same night.

Let’s get started…

THE RAZORBACK RUNNING GAME COULD NEUTRALIZE THE AGS’ OFFENSE THIS WEEK!

@darrenrovell Rating: 4.0 @darrenrovells!

Bert Bielema’s got this one circled and has the good guys inaccurately pegged as the closest rung for his team to climb over on the SEC West ladder. A back-up QB, Bielema’s over-the-top football Kenny Powers impression at SEC Media Days, and the Aggie run defense in the first four games have set the stage for a healthy dose of 1950s football when the Pigs’ O is on the field.

We’ll talk Aggie defense later, but Bert’s going to try and replicate what Bama did to the Ags.  The problem is that he doesn’t have Robo-Saban’s process and they don’t have Bama’s precision on offense.

There will be some trickery and some 20 yard rushes by their backfield duo, but there won’t be enough firepower and mistake-free football to keep up. With all due respect to Rutgers and the 2010 Mountain West Champs, he’s never coached against a team with the combination of offensive line and skill position talent that he’ll see on Saturday. Buckle up, middle-aged Butthead.

OUR KICKERS SUCK OMG THEY’RE GOING TO COST US A GAME THIS YEAR!

@darrenrovell Rating: 1.0 @darrenrovells!

There’s some truth to this one. Making fun of kickers is like a speech impediment: It’s kind of funny unless it’s your your own. We’re definitely in for some barn burners this year and Bertoletdown and Lamboghini are just the guys to fuck up this steel ball with a rubber hammer.

Breaking: Rovell tweeted earlier regarding the kicking game “@darrenrovell: Aggie kicker plans surgery, A&M on the verge of lawsuit for biological patent infringement.   #clubfootsurgery #tomdempsey #drmoreau”

BERT BIELEMA’S POWER RUSHING ATTACK IS A RECRUITING ADVANTAGE OVER THE AGS’ AIR RAID ATTACK.

@darrenrovell Rating: 5.0 @darrenrovells!


Just kidding. No one actually thinks this except for dipshits from Arkansas. Texas is spread heavy and Southern recruits don’t know what the shit a cheese curd is. Or why they keep getting them in the mail.  A postcard of Bielema’s strength & conditioning program is included with each package to recruits seen here:

.

Not exactly Jimmy Tango’s Fatbusters.  If you’re going shirtless, mix in some light beer and hit the gym once in a while.*

*Editor’s note: We have less than one year left to idolize Spurrier. And we’re going to enjoy it.

COACH SUMLIN PUTTING IN JOECKEL ON THE SECOND DRIVE OF THE SECOND HALF COST JOHNNY THE HEISMAN!

@darrenrovell Rating: 5.0 @darrenrovells!


This type of thinking is usually reserved for unintentional comedy found searching the dregs of the internet. His performance last year and the double gig-birds he’s been firing at the media since the early summer have pretty much necessitated the perfect season. Johnny is the best player in the college game right now (and if you don’t think so, you’re dumber than a concussed Joe Schad) but he’s going to need 0 losses, Alabama-like performances against Ole Miss and LSU, and pedestrian performances the rest of the way from Tahj Boyd and Bridgewater. Coach Sumlin knows who stirs the drink until we get more talent on defense, and he’s not putting his boy at risk in a meaningless against a bunch of Smoo kids looking to be the guy that ended Johnny Football’s college career.

THE DEFENSE SUCKS! THE COACHES DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING!

@darrenrovell Rating: 2.0 @darrenrovells!


Ugh. That’s the unpleasantly familiar, warm breath of Uncle Shitty Defense breathing on the back of your neck.  Just remember that Misi Tupe and Gary Darnell can’t hurt you anymore.

After a slow start last year, Coach Snyder made the right calls, SEC Coaching Veteran Terry Price let Damontre go sack monster on the QB and harnessed our psychopath at tackle, and Matt Wallerstedt got SEC linebacker play out of three Big 12 guys. So far this year, the unit hasn’t replaced losses to the draft and graduation and has struggled to develop consistency due to injuries and suspensions.

The good news is the staff is making adjustments and the improvement we saw last year between the Louisiana Tech game and the Cotton Bowl means there’s potential for solid defense by season’s end.

DID YOU SEE DRAKE TALKING JOHNNY FOOTBALL AND THE AGS ON ESiPN THE OTHER DAY??? DOES THIS MEAN WE’RE HOOD NOW?

@darrenrovell Rating: 1.0 Roland Martins


#justiceforascots

Not a typo. Banned from CNN, this is the ascot-wearing, Aggie ring-flaunting Roland Martin that takes shit from no one and is the inverse of the @darrenrovell. He, of course, signifies the Aggie lighthouse that beacons with a bright shining ray of trust in the foggy liberal media. Pretty much the opposite of getting duped by some greasy high school sophomore posing as a pimp on gmail that  created your story after you found him by soliciting for sources on Twitter.

This story is legit as they come and it’s time for all Ags to get with the program. Turn the bass down low, roll down the windows of your maroon Suburbans and F250s, and serenade the streets with your ethnic beat of choice, Ags.

THE PICK: AGS 56 – PIGS 24

Coach Sumlin may have been pitched to the locals as an insider from the Coach Slocum coaching tree, but the guy learned his coaching chops from Bob Stoops. The players and staff will stick with the “all games are equal” clichés publicly, but certain opponents will get circled as statement games and some will be made examples. Stoops ended any chance RC had left in 99, slapped around Fran and Sherman before they even had a chance, and he never passes up the opportunity to keep his foot on the gas in a RRS game.

The defense isn’t ready to participate in a both sides of the ball beatdown, but the pace offensively will be too much. We think that the Fresh Prince of College Station won’t pass up the chance to take out the loud new guy like it’s garbage day (!).

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