Turkey Frying Re-Re-Revisited

Ahhhhhh, yes…it’s SO that time of year again, Ags and non Ags (aka “dickeaters”).  Time we when turn inward for a bit, heuristically searching our souls in introspective contemplation for all the good things bestowed on us.  And we give thanks.  We celebrate our ability to thank ourselves and each other (mainly ourselves) for all the wonderful blessings bestowed upon us by stealing an entire continent from groups of unorganized native indigenous peoples thru rape and murder.

Who’s hungry?  I know I am.

For our third year in a row, we give you the old famous turkey frying method made famous in the halls of HSJ.  Enjoy and be thankful, for next year we get to do it all over again.

HA

All The Answers With HSJ

From time to time, we’ll throw the doors open to HSJ Central and let members of our favorite Aggie message board, AggieYell.com, ask us questions.  Normally, we make it a strict rule not to associate while these fellers except on gamedays, but this is a chance for them to ask questions that some of our readers out in HSJLand may be wondering, too.  If you have a question that you’d like for us to address, simply join AggieYell.com’s premium service and wait around until next year when we foolheartedly decide to do this again.

Note:  Questions are asked by those individuals highlighted in maroon.  If they asked more than one question, those are all added under the same handle unless we just got tired of formatting, in which case they’ll just show up randomly throughout the article.  On board for Answers this week, we have Dean Mortimer (DM), King Puppy (KP), Deathburger (DB) and Higher Authority (PW).

 

MMurray88

Which Big 12 coach has the most disturbing condition and why?

a. Mangino’s weight
b. Ruffin’s FUPA
c. Mack’s herpes
d. Stoops no upper lip
e. Gundy’s gelled spiked hair
f. Leach’s love of booze and odd analogies
g. Pelini’s “I have the IQ of a 10 yr old” face
h. Boston Mike’s northeastern accent

 HA – Bob Stoops’ lack of a top lip is well documented on the Internet and in Presidential Libraries across the state of Oklahoma (Note:  HAHAHAHA…Oklahoma could never produce a President worthy of a library).  The most disturbing of all of these is Mark Mangino’s weight, and it’s not for the reason you think.  He knows football really well and if he were 150lbs lighter he would be coaching at a real school and not some basketball training camp for illiterates.  The NCAA needs to take a hard look at the discriminatory hiring practices of its member institutions and why a good man like Mangino is forced to coach in a wasteland like Lawrence, Kansas.

KP – Gundy’s hair.  It’s bizarre that this isn’t in the national spotlight more.  I’m surprised Fox hasn’t gotten Jim Knox to do a focus piece on it.

DB – It’s gotta be Mangina.  Kansas has to bus in a special toilet for him in road games.  When Kansas is playing somewhere, and you see a large 18 wheeler, the truck is there with a piano sized granite toilet seat just so Mangino can cleanse his colon.  There’s a rumor out there that he only has to do the number two once every three or four months, and that storage of fecal matter makes up 45% of his weight. 

DM – Paul Rhoads gamma radiation.

travster23

Who would win a fight to the death, Von Miller or John Roper (assume both are in their prime)?

 HA – I’d give the edge to Roper in a hand-to-hand simply because I don’t want to do any research on the subject.  However, I will say that Von Miller has the Mike Singletary fat glasses thing going on in his profile picture on the aggieathletics.com website, and that’s about as oldschool-brother badass as you can get.

DB – Roper would win.  Von would win any other contest between the two, but Roper would win a hand-to-hand combat assuming both were twenty years old.

DM – Roper would win because he would do anything to get that win. He would do something dirty. Today’s youth is soft.

dcathey
I would like to hear your prediction on who the next 5 star football player to commit to A&M will be?

 HA – Craig Loston

 KP – Martellus Bennett, Jr.

 DB – You need to develop players.  Five stars are window dressing. 

 BC93
Are these questions pre-determine or pre-destined?

HA – Neither.

 DM – yes.

Who is the better QB: Cart McCoy or Jerrod Johnson, and why?

HA – It depends on your system.  They both have their faults (JJ has poor mechanics, McCoy has a tendency to be a flaming homosexual).  If you are looking for a QB who can come in, fire up the players around him, win games all on his own, and do the things that it takes to build a struggling program into a contender then JJ is your man.  If you need a QB who wasn’t that great in high school, but whose family is a bunch of media whores, satisfied with being used as a PR tool while being plugged into a system that makes him look far better than he actually is and make what very little talent he actually possesses look serviceable because you’ve surrounded him with the best players money can buy, then McCoy is your man.  All depends on your system.

 KP – Jerrod.  He’s putting up fantastic numbers behind a horrendous line.  The knock on JJ is that he’s gotten overwhelmed a couple of times, but I think he’s going to be fine.

DB – I’m not sure, but I know for a fact that JJ has not blown or never will blow Brent Musberger.

DM – I read something like 60% of Colt’s throws are for 5 yards or less, he lets the receiver make the play. 50% or so are just to Jordan Shipley. Jerrod likes to go downfield, and he does it well. They have different strengths, but Jerrod is more productive with less talent around him.

A Scottish Proverb goes “he who would eat the fruit must climb the tree”, how far is A&M away from eating the fruit?

HA – As a general rule, we don’t discuss eating fruits on HSJ, Nancy. 

DB – Apples are okay, HA.  We’ll play in Oregon in about five years.  We’ll revisit this question then.

DM – Honeycrisp apples have changed my life. And I get them free through USAA’s health maintenance program. A&M can’t even walk on grass much less climb trees, so lets hope the proverb isn’t literal.

What went on at Mike Leach’s 2:00 am coaches meeting following the A&M beat down of Tech?

HA – He’s a deeply devout Mormon, so I’m sure he did a lot of soul searching and praying.  Possibly engaged in a polygamous marriage ritual.  Possibly called Warren Jeffs’ remaining cult members to see if there were any 14-year-olds he could line up for the holiday season to “help out around the house”.  You know…basic Mormon stuff.

DB – He drank a lot and passed out.  Ho-hum.  Another game, another set of pissed stained black pants and another carpet ruined by vomit.  Same thing, win or lose.

DM – Leach forced the coaches to eats roasted pieces of his flesh so they “could gain his strength”. He then stared at one of those drinking bird toys for 45 minutes while forcing his staff to sit in silence.

DNC
Why can’t we play with 12 men on the field ala the 12th man tradition?

HA – Because that is against the rules.

DB – Fran tried it his last game against Oklahoma, but it didn’t work.

DM – Aggies do not lie, cheat, or steal. And we need no advantages.

 Mr 25 eight
With Iowa coming into Kyle as a Top 10 team, what are the chances of back to back upsets for the Ags?

HA – Unfortunately, I don’t see A&M beating Iowa this week.  However, Deathburger may do a full game preview for that.  Good question.

DB – The Hawkeyes are an excellent team considering they come from a dying part or our country.

DM – I never consider an Ag win an upset.

Walter Peck
Should Billy Pickard ever pass (God forbid), would it be more feasible to re-animate or clone him and why?

HA – Are you INSANE?!?  You do realize that he can read, right?  And you used your real name!  It’s all over for you, dude.

 KP – Redacted

DM – You’re already looking at reanimated Pickard.

 MMurray88
Who was the ‘pitcher’ and who was the ‘catcher’ at the hotel after Cart and Bradford had their game of ping pong, horse, and general homo teabagging contest on Gameday?

HA – I guess this is some sort of ham-handed attempt to say that Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are gay lovers.  Look, just because they act like gay lovers on tv doesn’t mean that they really are.   I mean…I’m sure that Colt asked Sam to mess around with him, but that’s not the type of stuff that Sam Bradford is into.  He’s more into getting used by his no-top-lip-having coach to come back to a team that had little if any chance of being any better than they were the year before while risking injury that would cost him MILLIONS of dollars in the NFL draft.  That seems to be what Sam’s into.

QuickD…Graw77
Bill Byrne has many incentive based bonuses in his contract, but it appears they neglected a win over tceh in football. Should he get a raise to cure the oversight?

 DM – Oh, Byrne got a raise outta the game alright – one that prevented him from standing up for a good 30 minutes!! He’s just excited to think about how much he can charge for that game next year. 

HA – We’ll let you know in five years. 

KP – Big Billy Byrne is doing just fine for himself, financially.  Don’t worry about him in that department.  Keep in mind that despite the classy vibe they give off, cargo shorts and Big Dogs shirts are quite affordable.

hale52

Will we ever be able to go man-to-man with our corners?

DM – I  have no idea what that means, it sounds like you are a deviant. On an unrelated note, A&M CB’s have gone one on one with receivers this year.

KP – Is this a trick question?  Some sort of clever riddle, perhaps?

Will we ever develop a more complicated blitz program that has a definite flair for the unexpected or will we just assign 1 person like a Von Miller to be the designated blitz person that everyone knows is coming. When you watch the Steelers or Giants, it is like there is a match game going on about when they are bringing the house. We need to have that.

DM – If you think A&M just sends VON on a blitz and no one else, then perhaps you need to watch the game closer. A&M has run a variety of blitz packages, numerous players have registered sacks, pressure is brought from different locations, and VON himself is moved around. I think the main difference is we have limitations that the Steelers and Giants don’t have, and we don’t get to the QB in time for many of us to realize there was a blitz. Is the Match Game still on TV? Are you saying you don’t know which blitzer will be paired up with the QB?

Will Anthony Wallace join his teammates and the good guys to bring back the hate and the Wrecking Crew?

DM – The rage needs to return, I still don’t see that enough. I think forcing the team to live together on campus again would help. Preferably in the Commons.

HA – What we need is a good criminal on the team to bring some rage back.  Not a shitty criminal like Vance Smith’s little brother who shouted out racial slurs in the Micky Dee’s drive thru or Jorrie Adams who was slanging rocks in Bryan.  I mean a good criminal that just goes around beating people up all the time.

KP – “What the hell do I have to do to get some fucking attention around here?” – Yemi Babalola

SnoopDarb
Quien es mas macho? The Fightin’ Texas Tra la la Aggie Yell Leaders? O, Colt McCoy?

DM – You’ve asked an incredibly difficult question, I commend you. Perhaps “least feminine” would have been a more appropriate wording, since machismo indicates strong masculine behavior. The Yell Leaders hang around a dog a lot, like every good man should. But, they cuddle during big moments in A&M games, a negative. Colt McCoy lives with Cro-Magnon man, which is kind of manly I guess. But, he lifts his leg when hugging dudes, pretty womanly. I’ve seen both get jumped on by lots of guys during and after games in recent years. This is a draw.

HA – Also, Colt McCoy sits when he pees and his father is writing a book about how hard it is to raise a champion who sits down to potty.

KP – How many gay stereotypes does Colt have to run through (beefy construction worker, Freddie Mercury ‘stache, letting his teammates fingerfuck his mouth, etc.) before the obvious is acknowledged? 

Mac1014
Will win the Cotten Bowl?

DM – I’ll assume you meant the Cotton Bowl and not some bowl belonging to Orson Welles collaborator. No one wins the Cotton bowl, the place is a dump and the game starts at 10AM on New Year’s Day, how ridiculous is that. I know the game has moved to a later start on the 2^nd now, but I’m still pissed from years past. The only winner of the Cotton Bowl is the guy who pays his entire year’s mortgage off of CB parking in his yard.

KP – I agree.  The Cotton Bowl is abysmal.  It’s something suitable only for fans of a team like Rutgers. 

If Von Miller accidentally kills a Quarterback on a sack, is he still elligable for All American consideration?

DM – There are no rules that prevent this. However, if he wears a patch honoring his victim, he will be suspended for the rest of the season.

HA – The Downtown Athletic Club frowns upon in-play murder, so I don’t think he could win the Heisman if that happens.

DB – Let’s pray that doesn’t happen or, if it does, no one tells Von he killed a dude.

Considering the Offensive line’s performance against 52-30, have we cemented our line-up for the year?

DM – I don’t think so. I am sure we will start the ISU game with the same lineup, but as soon as we hit adversity I think Sherman panics and over-manages the line again. Plus, we’re talking about Grimes – he can’t play 5 games straight, can he? That dude is a warrior though.

KP – Of course we haven’t.  Regardless of what happens for the rest of the year, we just flat-out have a number of issues at OL.  I think Sherman’s going to keep throwing different combos out there with the mindset that at certain times, it literally can’t get any worse.  Throw in some inevitable injuries, and you’ll see flux here all season.

DB – Those guys are warriors.  All of them.  They just need to block.

Have we established the fact that if we can run the ball, it opens up the pass well enough for Sherman’s Pro-Style Hybrid attack to be successful?

DM – That was established decades ago and A&M is just another potential supporting argument. However, I feel A&M’s passing has allowed for their run game more than vice versa. Even against Tech we passed more than ran on initial possessions. It left Tech’s D spread out and vulnerable to runs between the tackles. I haven’t seen A&M rack up that many yards between the tackles in a long time. Hybrids are all the rage and Sherman is a liberal yankee.

DB – Again, the threat of the run is more valuable than the success of the run.

lonestarag05

How similar is hunter to Appel performance/skill wise?

DM – They are pretty similar, both seem to excel in run support but perhaps have limitations when covering receivers. Appel made all Big 12 teams once or twice, something Hunter has yet to achieve. Appel gets a bit of a bad rap for some reason, maybe just because he was a bit standoffish with the media and slept with everyone’s girlfriend.

KP – I think Hunter is a little better in coverage.  I love the kid because he comes up like a mother in run support.  Hopefully his style of play won’t break him down physically as his career progresses.

Bill Burden
THIS IS BORING HA

DM – Given our lives are pre-determined, you are correct. We’re just killing time here on the journey to an inevitable end. Which is why I post on AY.

HA – You are absolutely right.  These questions are boring HA, although I hate to talk in the 3^rd person like that.

DB – Fuck you, Bill.  This is important to a lot of Aggies, and you come in here and try to ruin it.

El Burro

How great are the possible ramifications of Epperson taking over the punting duties?

 DM – Wood was the clear cut winner of the August competition. I don’t see how Epperson can be a great improvement, but we’ll see. At least we’re getting some payback on the scholarship.

 HA – I was dismayed to know that the sub-par videography team missed Wood missing the practice net on the sidelines and taking out four rows of Tech fans.  That’s really funny to me.

DB – Wood is a great Aggie.  He’ll be outstanding standing on the sidelines for the entire game.

Why don’t football players wear cups? Does Joe Kines wear a cup? Do they make a cup that would fit Joe Kines? Would it still be called a cup, or would it be more like a bowl or a jug?

DM – Joe Kines does not require a cup, due to the grizzled nature of his junk. It’s gnarled up and calloused due to years of being drug through briar patches and over the stubbly chin of Mike Leach.

HA – You mean like on their heads?  How the fuck would they keep a cup on their heads during a football game, genius?   Christ almighty.

ddhouse1969
Tell me “Who wins a game of washers between with the following players…
Stoops, Gundy, Mac, Sherman, and of course Leach “but he is responsible for ice chest management” and does not get playing time?

DB – Mack wins the washer game.  It takes a special type of person to excel at washers. Stoops gets too jacked to play washers.  Plus, if it’s a big game, let’s say a final game in a washer tournament, Stoops will just lay an egg.  He’ll throw the wrong color washers.  Sherman is too intense to be a great washer player.  He will want to hurl the washer at the pit when the game is on the line.  Gundy is too stupid to be a good washer player.  He is just a dumbass.  We all saw the “I’m a man” debacle.  Leach would probably be a pretty good washer player, but he would be more interested in drinking than playing the game.  Mack, on the other hand, would just blame Greg Davis if he lost, and then remind everyone that Greg Davis was Vince Young’s coach.

DM -  Gundy would win a game of washers. I mean, look at him.

agf221
Ok here goes:

Who does HSJ feel is the meanest, down-right nasty player on the A&M football roster?

DB – Sean Porter.  He ate part of his mother’s vagina on the way out.

HA – Von Miller wearing the Mike Singletary glasses.  Least mean player of all time: Matt Szymanski.  I think he transferred from A&M to be around people who were “more like him” if you know what I mean.

KP – It’s really hard for me to answer this question since Todd Pegram used up his eligibility. 

Is it crucial for this offense to establish the running game to build confidence and keep it rolling?

DB – This isn’t 1979.  It no longer matters how you get yards.  The threat of an effective running game is more important than an effective running game.  For instance, if you have a tear tattooed under your eye, and you get in a stare down with a dude that lives in the Woodlands, you’ve won the battle even if you haven’t really killed anybody.

KP – I’d like to say yes, but it just ain’t going to happen with this year’s squad.  Use JJ and some very capable WRs to get your points through the air.  That’s about all we can do.

Will Von Miller bear-rape Colt McCoy and then Seal-The-Deal with Colt’s girlfriend?

DB – Von Miller is a gentleman.  He was built more in the mold of a Marcus Buckley than a John Roper.  He won’t touch Clit’s girlfriend until she commits fully to Von.

HA – But when she does, he’ll blow a hole in the back of her pelvis.

KP – Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Let’s get this straight.  There is one, and only one “BEAR RAPE.”  That title was rightfully earned by a certain Jorrie Adams, and I’m not about to let that be taken away from him.  One of my proudest moments was when I heard someone holler “Bear Rape” after a Jorrie tackle during a game.  I felt like a father must feel when his son wins a triathlon, or some shit like that.

agchugger
Whatever happened to Jordan Wallace? I asked Tarp and he said he’d check and get back to me.

DB – I killed him.

HA – He was only getting paid something like $7/hr and working 20 hours a week.  It seemed like a lot right out of OU, but he got a sweet job working at the Starbucks over by the state government district in OKC. 

DM – Jordan Wallace was a fictional character Tarp created to take some heat off Troy.

Foghorn98
In the olden days, after locking up the Cotton Bowl the fans would throw hunks of cotton into the air to celebrate. After we lock up a birth to the Texas Bowl, what should the fans throw into the air?

HA – Each other, because Texas Aggies ARE Texas.

KP – Gang signs.  In one of my high school annuals, I managed to throw up the “Bloods” sign for every group photo I was in.  FFA – Bloods sign.  Debate team – Bloods sign.  Fellowship of Christian Athletes – Bloods sign.

DM – Feces.

st97
If we soundly defeat Iowa on Saturday, will Tarp give us more than a free night out? Maybe a weekend pass, and permission to “get crazy”? In order to beat Iowa, what does the defense need to focus on?

KP – Beating Iowa would certainly be an accomplishment for Mike Sherman.  I’m willing to bet that there isn’t a single prognosticator predicting A&M to beat Iowa this weekend.

DB – I’m predicting A&M to beat Iowa this weekend.  All the Aggies need to do is stop the run.  Put 10 men on the line of scrimmage.  I know it’s boring, but that’s they was the do it in Iowa and Micigan and Minnesota and those other dying states.

BQAg
Now that the spread has been “the new thing” in college football for nearly a decade, what will be the life cycle of this trend, or will it be here to stay? 30 years from now will schools run it like a novelty like you now see option offenses occasionally?

KP – One of the funnier arguments I’ve heard against the spread is that it’s a fad, much like the Run ‘N Shoot offenses of yore.  Guess what?  Every team utilizes parts of the Run ‘N Shoot in their offense (e.g. twins and trips, one back sets, etc.).  You’re already seeing pro-set teams incorporating spread concepts into their offense.  In very short order, you’re going to see spread concepts absorbed by everyone to the point where “the spread” is no longer a distinguishable look.

DB – The spread has killed defenses because high schools are running that abortion of a football offense right now.  Every high school team is moving at least two great athletes that used to play defense over to offense.  This is killing the development of defensive players at the high school level.  Ten years ago, the one starting wide receiver on a high school team was the dude with speed that couldn’t tackle.  Now, the best cornerbacks and safeties are on the other side of the ball split out wide or in the slot.

DM – These brain studies showing the long term effects of collisions are going to change football as we know it. In 30 years it will be more like flag football. Enjoy it while you can.

thrownhill
What happened to the rest of Ketchum? Was it thrown away, or recycled? In the pretext of a greener planet I hope it was recycled, but what could it be made into? Slurry for equine, bovine and mammalian consumption? Fertilizer? Implants?

HA – He sold it on Craigslist where some Austin deviant tried to fuck it.  PS-He’s still kinda flabby because of all the excess skin.

DB – An Eskimo stayed warm for the winter.

DM – Stuffed into his waterbed. Burton said it was the best night of sleep he’d ever had.

MMurray88
Who’s the most improved player this year?

a. Von Miller
b. Garrick Williams
c. T Frederick
d. Matt Featherston
c. Courtney Faye

HA – Like Courtney Faye, Von Miller could only enhance his game from last year.  Unlike Von Miller, I’m looking forward to seeing a bit more skin from Courtney at some point, hopefully as a means to “pay for school”.

hale52
Are you and mrlittlejeans brothers?
Could you teach JJ to work with the receivers and teach them how to pass to a covered receiver? Throw low and away from the DB or LB covering.
Is it true that Bill Burden is really Lex James?

Did Hammitron, IE: KingPuppy, move to Louisianna?

DM – Can you believe this guy?

HA – Asswhip.

cpag
Do you think Iowa State’s locker room celebration spells doom for the Aggies this weekend (because they were all like pouring water and yelling and sh*t)?

KP – I have to try damned hard to work up any vitriol against Iowa State.  When people are listing Big XII schools, Iowa State is the one most often forgotten.  “Well, that’s 11.  TCU?  Colorado State?  Shit.”

DM – They are going to have trouble with the dense, humid air of lowland College Station. And with the soft water, of course, it’s very frustrating.  I did get a big kick out of Iowa State pretending to be outraged when Auburn hired Gene Chizik away from them. “We’re outraged?”

 HA – If you look up Iowa State on Wikipedia, you’ll find that they are a rather prestigious school academically with the likes of George Washington Carver attending ISU as both a student and later a teacher.  As well, Troy Davis is the best football player they’ve ever had and he makes Jamaal Charles look like George Washington Carver.

DM – I feel ISU deserves hardships for firing McCarney. That guy was good for ISU.

Basher22
Based on their posts alone, who would you say…..

A) Has the biggest dong
B) Gets the most ass
C) Has killed the most people
D) Has the least chance of getting to heaven

KP – bluelapels

DB – Agreed

DM – C.

Rjolliffe
Hopefully not to late to ask questions?
Thoughts on cheerleaders?
Mike Leachs favorite drink?
Sherms favorite catfish bait?

KP – I’ll touch on the cheerleaders for a second. *ZING* 

In all candor, I do not want to see cheerleaders at A&M.  Sure, the yellboys have acted especially moronic of late.  Hold that against the individuals, not their position.  Let’s examine what Yell Leaders do for a second: They lead yells.

Pretty simple, right?  They don’t do flips or hold up signs that say shit like “Fight.”  They coordinate tens of thousands of Aggies to do yells in unison.  They’re no-frills, efficient, and most importantly, able to positively contribute to the noise levels during games.

What to cheerleaders add?  Titties, and that’s it.  I know this is the unpopular opinion, but I really don’t give a flying cat’s dick about checking out ass during football games.  If I want something to spank off to, I’ll get on the Internet or leaf through a FAO Schwartz catalogue.  When I’m watching a game, I’m dialed in, and I’m liable to stab anyone who gets between me and the Ags.  Let that be a warning.

***************

Well, that’s all the time we have for this week, Ags.  Tune in next week when Dean Mortimer says:

“Sure, she bled a little, but don’t they all at that age?”

HSJ

Dr. Zebbie Dykes Examines Young Mikey Leach

Dr. Zebbie Dykes was a child psychologist doing contract work for school districts in Wyoming and northern Colorado from 1967 to 1971. He disappeared in April of 1971 and has never been seen or heard from since. His last appointment was in an elementary school in Cody, Wyoming. He was seen leaving leaving the school, getting in his car, and driving away.

Earlier this week, authorities found a microcassette recorder in a campsite just north of the Colorado border in Wyoming, along with a wallet and some clothes that were identified as being the clothes Dr. Dykes wore on the day of his disappearance. The cassette was sent off to crime labs in Omaha to try to recover the contents, but the Omaha folks said that all they could really do in Nebraska was judge corn. The tape was then transported to Denver where authorities were able to restore the recording to nearly its original clarity.

The following is a transcript of the recording:

This is Doctor Zebbie Dykes. This is case number 4416. My subject is a fourth grade student by the name of Mikey Leach.

I was called in because of a recommendation from Mikey’s fourth grade teacher, Ms. Loya Hill. The administration of the school and particularly the principal, Mr. Dickey, agreed that an outside opinion was needed. Mikey’s third grade teacher, Darla Ham, had requested a psychological profile of Mikey last year, but the district did not approve it.

After talking with Ms. Hill, Ms. Ham, Mr. Dickey, and Mikey, I was able to make the following conclusions about Mikey’s bahavior:

1. He does not get along with his peers.

2. He is using new math. Cody schools do not use new math.

3. He was kicked out of the chess club for not using all his pawns. He insisted on starting games with only half of his pawns, so the splits could allow the bishops to have open lanes.

4. All the girls in his class hate him. The boys do as well, but the girls called him “throw up” and “slob”.

5. He sings really bad country songs.

6. He does not participate in sports during recess or P.E. They say there is no way he could play sports after high school.

7. He would probably do well on standardized tests, but refused to use a number 2 pencil so all his scores were voided.

8. Never went on a field trip because his parents wouldn’t spend the money on stamps to mail in the permission forms to the district office.

9. Mikey has been caught twice with bottles of cheap bourbon in his locker.

10. He has been in several fights. He never tries to defend himself. He just swings wildly. Sometimes he wins, sometimes he just gets knocked silly.

11. Mikey has been caught twice stealing tortillas from the one Mexican American student in the class.

12. The only time Mike seems happy is when he’s volunteering with retarded students. He really seems to get along well with retarded people.

13. While number twelve is admirable, an off campus incident was brought to the attention of the teachers. Apparently, while spending time with retarded kids on a ranch, Mikey trained a horse to run a certain route that went really close to a barn. At night, he snuck into the ranch and was able to teach the horse to bank right on one of his commands. One day, with a ranch full of retarded people, Mikey got the horse to run its route, then gave the signal for it to bank right. The horse hit the barn and had to be put down.

14. Mikey has a lack of respect for authority.

15. Mikey wants to be in a better place, but never has the initiative to actually leave. He would have repeated third grade if he had been allowed.

16. He drinks out of the water fountain for up to twenty minutes at a time. Once he starts drinking, he can’t stop.

My conclusions about Mikey are as follows:

1. He should not be in a school with normal students. He lives a kind of fantasy life. He pretends he needs an eye patch. He needs to be in an institution. He is dangerous.

2. He needs to stay away from alcohol. He is in fourth grade and he’s already an alcoholic.

3. He won’t be on time. He’s not capable of attending meetings or appointments at a certain time. His time is all that matters.

4. He will always want to work with the mentally challenged. He will challenge all authority, but he will be friends with the mentally challenged. His dream job would be to work in a prison with 20,000 retarded people, even if he could attain so much more somewhere else.

5. He will never be able to hold down a normal job. He will fight with his authority figures continuously until he has worn out his welcome.

6. He should be kept away from public speaking or school plays. He won’t follow the script. He might say anything.

When I get to my office, I will look over my notes and consult some of my more experienced colleagues. This Mikey kid is not suited for society. Right now, my recommendation is to lock him up and put him on heavy medications. Maybe one day, with heavy meds and intensive therapy, he will be able to re-enter society on a limited basis. I believe that is the best we can do with him.

If you have any information on the disappearance of Dr. Zebbie Dykes, please contact your local authorities.

Why Mike Sherman is Coaching the Texas Aggies

A few years ago, when it was universally decided that Dennis Franchione had had enough time to turn around the Fightin’ Texas Aggie football program, various factions of Aggie money started trying to get their guy into College Station to take over the team. Ultimately, this is the athletic director’s decision, but sometimes outside forces can play a big part in major decisions like this.

Bill Callahan was eliminated from consideration by the big money Aggies, so Bill was given four other names by various Aggie groups with money: RC Slocum, Mike Sherman, Steve Spurrier, and Nick Saban. All four of those coaches had a handshake deal in place to leave their current jobs and bolt to College Station. In RC’s case, he would simply move to a bigger office.

The only criteria Bill had to compare the candidates was a Rorschach Ink Blot Test. Here are the answers the four candidates gave, and this may explain why Mike Sherman is A&M’s football coach.

First Blot:

Nick Saban: That’s how I see myself. I have two faces looking in different directions. One says one thing, and the other says another thing.

RC Slocum: Well, that looks like a big ol’ bowl of ice cream with a piece of a waffle in the middle.

Steve Spurrier: It looks like a pair of wolves ready to eat something. Nice.

Mike Sherman: I see a welcome mat for all donors to come on down to my office and talk football anytime.

Second Blot

Nick Saban: Hey, that looks like me, again. I see my eyes and nose and that’s pretty cool. Did someone pay me to use my face in these tests?

RC Slocum: That there is a two person butter churner. See, it has two of those levers so you can make butter faster.

Steve Spurrier: Two monsters have climbed to the top of the world to eat the forbidden fruit. Only one monster will win. Man, I love that picture.

Mike Sherman: That’s a distorted map of Kyle Field. Look at the top of that picture and you’ll see the football offices. You guys feel free to stop by anytime. We could even have some drinks after practice.

Third Blot

Nick Saban: Those are those two sorority girls that carry the game film up to my office every week.

RC Slocum: I love me some banana bread pudding. You can’t get good banana bread pudding everywhere, so I really like this picture.

Steve Spurrier: It looks like the face of the demon glaring me down. That’s nice and all, but let’s see who wins the fight.

Mike Sherman: It kind of looks like a map to me. See, you can either take Highway 6 or 290 to get to College Station in no time, and we can have dinner catered in my office.

Fourth Blot

Nick Saban: That looks just like me when I was a little kid. I used to wear capes around and my mom told me I was Superman.

RC Slocum: That looks like a durn good chicken fried steak. I like my chicken fried steak with a lot of gravy.

Steve Spurrier: That’s a middle linebacker holding up his hands telling the defense the call will come based on the offense’s movements. I teach my quarterbacks to go on an early count when they see this kind of thing. The defense is waiting to shift, and even if you run it right into the strength of the defense, they aren’t ready for it.

Mike Sherman: That looks like a nice host or a greeter or some other friendly person. I’ll hire someone like that to show important Aggies up to my office for coffee and even a glance at some game film. Friendly people are great to have around.

Fifth Blot

Nick Saban: Hey, man, that’s what I would look like if I were a horse. These pictures all look like me. This is cool.

RC Slocum: That looks like my stock pond I have over at my house. We have some bass in there that have gotten pretty dang big. Of course, if you come fishing me, remember, that only one person can catch the biggest fish, and I have a rod and reel just like you do.

Steve Spurrier: Enough of this bullshit test. Ask me about football.

Mike Sherman: That looks like a fake owl I’ll put on top of the football offices to keep pigeons away. When I have visitors, like the governor, for instance, I don’t want him to be inconvenienced in any way, including having to deal with pigeon messes.

Conclusion

Bill Byrne was given just sketchy information and was under a time crunch. Four different groups were pressuring him in different ways, and all he had to go by was this ink blot test. I hope he made the right decision. The jury is still out.

Rock Bottom