I woke up on Saturday morning at 5:15AM. I was excited since this would be my first Aggie football game of the year. I showered quickly, kissed my wife goodbye, and jumped in my car and headed due south on Central Expressway and Interstate 45.
I pulled into my parking space at 9:00AM in College Station and opened a beer and drank it in the car while I listened to some early morning pregame show. Then, I opened a second one and finished it pretty quickly. I opened a third one and began my walk to the tailgate party. On the way I stopped off for a six pack of Lone Star.
I got to the tailgate and ate my first food of the day as I halfheartedly watched Lee Corso try to prove his relevance. I finished off my Lone Star and it was time to go to the game. I borrowed a beer for the short walk to the stadium.
Now, Army is not a world class opponent unless you are messing with our oil. I expected a relatively easy Aggie win. But the thing about these service academies is that they are well coached and they run tricked up offenses that no one else in the country runs anymore. So, the Aggies struggled a bit before pulling out a victory. After the game, I stopped by a second tailgate and talked to some people I hadn’t seen in a while. Then, it was time to go.
I don’t remember much else. I woke up in a hospital in Mexia, Texas. I looked at the smoking hot nurse and asked her what happened. She said that I’d hit a cow and somehow flipped my car off the road somewhere near Kosse, Texas. I asked her what kind of cow it was and she said she didn’t know. I hoped it wasn’t one of those Gateway black and white cows that are featured in the fast food chicken restaurant commercials. I like those cows.
“Do you remember what happened?” the nurse asked, as she was looking in my eyes with a flashlight.
“Not really,” I said.
“What’s the last thing you remember? This is important because you have a concussion, and memory loss is a side effect of concussions. If you can try to remember everything about how you came to the point where you hit that cow, then that could mean you don’t have a serious head injury, but you have been unconscious for about three hours.”
I closed my eyes and tried to remember. I left the second tailgate and walked to my car. I figured I hadn’t had a drink in approximately five hours, so I was okay to drive. I took 46 to 2818 to 6 to 14. I was switching back and forth between the Texas-Arkansas game and Florida State-Colorado game. One of the stations was going out and I was trying to find another game or a clearer signal. I looked up and saw a giant longhorn steer in the middle of the road. I hit the gas and plowed straight into that cow. The impact sent my car flying off the road and my airbag exploded into my head. My car flipped over a few times and came to rest back on its wheels. I closed my eyes and saw a bright light.
I wandered toward the light. It was like I was in a dark bar at closing time and the door showed some light outside. I opened the door and there was this hippie looking dude sitting on a cloud. I sat down next to him and said, “Wow, my head hurts. I just hit a fucking cow.”
With a wave of his hand the pain in my head went away. I looked at him closely and noticed he was wearing a Bucky Richardson jersey. “Who are you?” I asked.
“You know who I am,” he said. “Just believe in me and you’ll be saved. You are very bright, you’re a good person, and I want you up here with my flock and me for all eternity. All you have to do is give me your heart.”
“Look,” I replied, “I don’t know where you got that Bucky jersey, but you can’t buy those anymore. Can you explain to me how we almost lost to Army? Why did we lose to Arkansas State? My power rankings looked a little off after that debaucle.”
“Relax, Deathburger. Your Aggies will be fine. This season you’ll take some lumps, but Coach Sherman is one of the good guys. I’ll make sure he turns it around. What I need to do is break down the team before I build them back up. The J-Train? He really needs to take his diet seriously. He has high cholesterol. The defense? They don’t really know where they’re supposed to be yet, especially the linebackers. Don’t worry, they’ll learn, and they will improve throughout the season. McGee is my favorite, but Johnson will do fine as well, and Bradley Stephens will show you something this season.”
“I’m not convinced,” I said. “I don’t think this team is good enough to be a factor this season, and I don’t really see evidence that we’re really improving.”
The man stood up on his cloud and looked at me. A tear slid down his cheek. “I’m sorry, Deathburger, but I don’t think you are ready to join us up here. I’m sending you back down. Don’t worry, I’ll help fix the team, but it won’t be an overnight thing. You’ll be fine. Did you notice you had 84,000 show up for Army? That’s what you need. Show up at the games, have faith, and I’ll help you out a little. Heck, look for your Aggies to score a big upset this season, and look for the team to be better next year. Now, it’s back down you go.”
The man put his hand on my forehead and I felt myself falling. I was enveloped in darkness once again, but I could still see the light far away. I climbed back toward the light and made it out once again. This time, I was in the hospital.
After I told the story to the nurse, she looked around and lifted up her skirt to show me a Gig ‘em Aggies tattoo on her upper thigh. “I think we should start Johnson,” she said.